Tried to post this yesterday....**TW**

To weigh myself…or not? Those were the words that I awoke to in my mind. Carlos called me and that was all that came to my mind. He said he was on 355 coming home. I tried to calculate how much time I had to pee, undress, take my scale out, weigh myself, hide it, redress and go back to bed and wait… Do it. Go Steff go. I ran, undressed and then froze. No. Not enough time. I stood there frozen. Frozen in time. It felt like hours, days, months- I didn’t know what to do. I ran to bed. Scared. I am afraid. I know Jill said that I lost weight, but not as much as the prior week. I have promised myself that I will weigh myself tomorrow.
Another thought that has run though my head is whether I see Joanna or Jill first on Thursday. I am trying to decide if I am going to skip seeing Jill or not. I decided that I don’t want to see her…or maybe I do?...I still can’t decide. I know if I don’t go, she and Joanna will think it’s for attention. I see Joanna at 2pm on Thursday and Jill at 3pm. So I can just leave after Joanna instead of waiting to see Jill. I am going to weigh myself daily between now and then. If I gain or stay the same I will see her. If I lose according to my scale I am not going. Though I doubt I will lose. If I don’t want to go I am leaving her a voicemail saying, ‘there is no point in coming. According to my scale I lost and so nothing is going to get accomplished and It doesn’t matter if you get my weight because I just told you I lost.” Ahh I don’t’ know what the fuck to do.
Everyone keeps saying that I need to gain weight. I disagree. Strongly. Yesterday Jill asked me how my body image is. I said bad and her response was “really?” I felt like I said the wrong answer. As I look back- it was potentially. I like my chest, I like seeing my sternum. My shoulders and back are perfect, no fat and sexy little bones showing. Makes me happy. My Ares are slender, I feel like I can see definition between my muscles. My face is nice; I love my jaw bones now. I still need to work on my legs and the pooch in my lower stomach. No matter what I do it doesn’t go away. It never has.
The other week I saw 98.8 on the scale. That doesn’t even seem low. If I went to 90, maybe 95, then it would definitely be too low. You know what? Maybe I’m trying to push Jill and Joanna’s buttons. Joanna said that no matter whether I was 100, 90, 80, 70 pounds, she would not make me go anywhere. She would only have me to a hospital if I was a danger to my health and needed to go to the ER. I then made it clear to Jill that I am not going anywhere…EVER. But secretly I do want to have to be admitted or driven to the ER for some medical reason, then all the people who don’t talk to me anymore will noticed me and feel bad. I want to hurt all those assholes who kicked me out of my god damn mother fucking boat senior year. They all need to rot in fucking bloody hell. I need them to feel fucking sorry for me. To make them feel guilty, bad, terrible. They are horrible mother fucking assholes that deserve some pain. Any pain that they could possibly ever feel will never be even close to what they put me through.
I have made my decision now. I am not going to see Jill. I am wasting her time and I don’t want to put her and her job at risk if something were to happen to me. Even though that is not going to happen.
I can confirm that it is when I am alone that I become sad, depressed, upset, and start to cry. I feel like I have no one and I am all alone in this large scary world. I spent the morning visiting a kitty, walking dogs, and running errands. (On a side note, how come I go into Bed Bath & Beyond I always come out with at least twice as many items than I went in to get?!) I then met my mother at my apartment (Carlos was there as well). We went out to lunch at Panera Bread (I talked non-stop) and then went to a Bridal Shop to look at wedding gowns. EEEEEEK. That was the scariest, most anxiety provoking, and overwhelming experience of my life! I walked in and had no idea what to say or do. So many dresses. Woozers. Tried on a few, definitely decided that I like the Ivory color better than Bleach white! Otherwise I have no fucking clue what I want- I just want someone else to pick it out for me!
After coming home I received two pieces of fantastic news. Well, fantastic for me. In fact, just more examples to show my level of competition. First the nurse, Linda, from Home Instead Senior Care (where I worked as the staffing coordinator for two years prior to returning to school) starting talking to me via GChat. She is practically my adopted mother (among many) and we talk quite frequently. During our conversation this evening she said to me that Rachael quit yesterday. I had to ask who Rachael was because I had no clue! Linda said that she was hired as a staffing coordinator about a month ago and resigned because she said the position was too stressful. Another bites the dust! Linda and I looked back and counted the amount of Staffing Coordinators that had been hired and fired/quit since I left August 01, 2010. SIX! Six people have tried out my position and none of them have stayed. Damn! That makes me so happy and makes my smile huge. It boosts my confidence for a little bit knowing that I was able to perform and handle the position better than others. Even though I feel good now, I am fairly confident that later it will be gone. But yes- my competition has put me ahead of others! This is what I strive for!
The second piece of great news that I had this evening was in regards to my end of the year coaching evaluation as Langley’s Novice Men’s Crew Coach. Marian, the President of the team, called me to talk. She called me as I was about to walk into the bridal store. I was scared out of my mind as to why she was calling, I told her I had to call her back. I eventually did call her back and right when she answered she said, “just so I don’t cause you more stress, we do want you back next year.” Oh thank god. A huge relief went through my body, but immediately afterwards I started worrying about what they were going to say that I did wrong. I let her talk. She told me how I brought a lot to the team. They were very impressed with the success of my guys and the talent that they ended the season with. She said I worked extremely well with all the coaches and my communication was wonderful. She said I dealt with more crap from parents and athletes than any other coach on the team did- I was dedicated and went beyond my job description. Over all my boys and I had a very good and positive year. Marian told me the one thing that I needed to work on- but that was one of the things that I said in the evaluation of myself. I know I need to work on it and so does she. Marian is Blair’s mother (my new best friend) and she knows everything that went on with me this past year- so both her and I know that this one thing is something that will come with time.
Okay- I can’t believe I just ended the day with this. The coxswain that was my best friend in college with me, Nikki, was always small/tiny. Tonight I needed to know what she weighed. What she weighed in college our senior year (she had the 2nd boat and I had the 1st before the mother fucking jack asses kicked me out) and then now. I needed to know. I had to have an answer. She answered after I refused to take anything else. 115-120 during our senior year and about 124 now. No fucking way. She is so beautiful and small- no way she can weigh that much. No way.

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Well hello Ed, can\'t find Steff anywhere. You know what happens when you go to the er. They will stabelize you as fast as possible medically and don\'t care about refeeding slowly. They will tube you and you will have to deal with a quick weight gain. Sounds like fun doesn\'t it. Seeing bones is not sexy by the way, I never even believed that. Actually my hubby told me once: It\'s no fun making love to a skeleton. And you are really dillusional if you think your senior boat people will feel guilty or bad for you. If anything they will probably be glad you\'re not be on their team anymore because you are obviously physically not capable. You know people who don\'t truly love us just don\'t give it shit.
Kudos for being so honest but the way you reacted to your follow staffing coordinator makes you sound like a really nasty person. Why be glad about other\'s misery. And just maybe they have a life they want to live instead of working all the time.
Well congrats on your good review. That is something to be proud of. Good for you.