Tried to get close to him... worked ? kind of...

Well today was another " mix " of emotions exchanged with him. A few times he got angry at me for NO good reason at all, and then only ten, or fifteen minutes later he was calm and as nice as can be with me. Of course no matter how unreasonable, cruel, cold, and heartless, he was during the time he was angry towards me.... still when he calms down it never fails that he does NOT apologize !

I suppose it's just as well that he doesn't apologize, since frankly I don't feel that I'd believe he was being sincere at all. I would highly doubt it. 

I made an attempt to get " close " to him tonight, but as usual he STILL wanted MORE than I could physically do with him, and he knew it before trying to " MAKE ME " do it ! He's known about it for many years now, and STILL he will TRY to make me do what he wants to, HIS WAY ! Never mind that it makes me completely uncomfortable, and that it frankly scares me ! Aparrently all of that doesn't matter one damn bit to him. 

I want to actually be " allowed " to touch him, hug him, hold him, and kiss him, whenever I want to. But I doubt that will ever happen, since he constantly keeps me away from him - a certain physical distance between us. I feel like there's a constant invisible wall that he puts up between us - every day, and every night, always. Talking to him about this situation gets me nowhere at all, since he always refuses to talk about it. I've tried to talk to him about it many times, with no success at all ! 

Right now he went to bed. As usual he's in the bedroom, while I'm out here on my recliner chair. I wish we could actually " sleep " together, but I don't see that happening. One reason it won't happen is because he's already admitted that he takes over the entire bed. The Other reason is because I know my back would start hurting either right away, or after only about 30 minutes or so, if I tried to lay down on the bed. I didn't used to be that way, but I'm thinking it's got to obviously be connected to the arthritis in my back. The arthritis in my back must have gotten somewhat worse over time. So he's in the bedroom right now, while I sit here in my recliner chair. He went to bed tonight around 1:30 AM 11 / 13 / 18 - Tuesday. 

I'll try to go to sleep soon, but it won't be easy for me since I slept till around 3 pm, or 4 pm, today after being unable to sleep most of the night before. Somehow I've got to get my sleeping turned back around to something closer to normal.