Trauma to compassion

Sometimes I wonder when is my life going to settle down from the divorce. It's been 2. 5 years already and granted I'm known to be a "slow learner" and a "late bloomer" too but still, certainly there will be a turning point. There is so much struggle to dig out of the financial hole, to repair my broken heart, to keep cheering on my kids, to make new friends. I'm safe now and far happier than before. And I give myself credit for that change because I took resonsiblity for my life and that was the golden key that released me from my own prison. I stopped focusing on what HE was doing, where HE was, who HE was with. What he was saying/doing to me. I let go of those neurotic obsessions. This is my life and if I'm not at my own helm, who is? If I'm too busy sailing his boat, my loses navigation. Fast. When I confronted my fear of taking charge of my life, to engage my personal power (not aggression, not arrogance, pure sweet personal responsibility), I realized I had been checking out of my own accountability for my life for a long time. I cannot blame him for that. Why did I care where he was or what he was doing? Why did I not want to let go of my anger so I could harness that energy for my own growth and new pursuit of life? Why was the obsession so fixated on HIM and not my own best interest? For the life of me, I refused to see it for a long while. Call it co-dependency, call it avoidance. Call it anything. What it is, beneath all that is my refusal to be personal accountable for my emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual health. Instead I licked my wounds about "How could he?" or "Why did he?" or even the best one, "He is going to regret losing me." OMG, so messed up. He doesn't miss me at all. I MISSED ME. I realize he was not able to love me and so it is okay to let it go. I don't need to emotionally assassinate him for his lack. He couldn't love me and that is that. Why is his journey, and is really none of my business. My truth was that while I could forgive him, I don't want to be with someone I can't trust and that was that. On we go. Now I'm free to take care of myself and find someone, someday, who will respect me and love me from that respect. In the meantime, I continue to hike uphill. The view is going to be awesome from up there.