Trapped.
I feel like I'm trapped. I moved to a new city may 2014. I'm living on my own for the first time.
I'm back in school & half way to having my grade 12 diploma.
I've been feeling trapped for the past couple of months, first physically because of a really shit winter, now mentally. I don't know what to do. School is almost over for the summer. The guidance counsellor left & they didn't see a reason to replace her since the year is almost out. It seems like every time I start to trust someone to help me, they leave. I've become a much more private person. I'm just the sarcastic, coffee addicted girl who always shows up late to class. It's a struggle to even leave my apartment most mornings. I just don't want to be anywhere else but my bed. I use to romanticize this city, now that I live here I hate it. Maybe it's just where I live & where I'm forced to spend my days.. I feel like I'm in prison. I'm not allowed to do anything. No drinking, no drugs, no men, no pets, no visitors unless it's my mother. I help other people with their happiness, what about me? I'm not going to do anything stupid but every once in a while I'd like to at least have the option of getting drunk & maybe some casual sex or at least friends over. I'm not going to hurt anyone, I just want to have fun. Why does it feel like that's illegal? I'm tired of helping other people with their shit... I'm not saying I'll ask for help but it'd be nice to have someone who can/wants to/will help me if I ever do ask for it. This seriously sucks. I can't do anything right. I can't talk to anyone in my life because I'm the one they come to for help or they just don't care or they don't know how to help. I don't want to live here & do this anymore.
I swore I wouldn't go back to making bad decisions & being self-destructive but honestly, I think I was happier then. I crave a drink. I crave casual sex. I still have kleptotendencies. I see that car & crave it.... But I just can't do it. I don't want to lose control no matter how damn tempting it is. I just want the excitement of having the option of doing it, because I can.
I'm back in school & half way to having my grade 12 diploma.
I've been feeling trapped for the past couple of months, first physically because of a really shit winter, now mentally. I don't know what to do. School is almost over for the summer. The guidance counsellor left & they didn't see a reason to replace her since the year is almost out. It seems like every time I start to trust someone to help me, they leave. I've become a much more private person. I'm just the sarcastic, coffee addicted girl who always shows up late to class. It's a struggle to even leave my apartment most mornings. I just don't want to be anywhere else but my bed. I use to romanticize this city, now that I live here I hate it. Maybe it's just where I live & where I'm forced to spend my days.. I feel like I'm in prison. I'm not allowed to do anything. No drinking, no drugs, no men, no pets, no visitors unless it's my mother. I help other people with their happiness, what about me? I'm not going to do anything stupid but every once in a while I'd like to at least have the option of getting drunk & maybe some casual sex or at least friends over. I'm not going to hurt anyone, I just want to have fun. Why does it feel like that's illegal? I'm tired of helping other people with their shit... I'm not saying I'll ask for help but it'd be nice to have someone who can/wants to/will help me if I ever do ask for it. This seriously sucks. I can't do anything right. I can't talk to anyone in my life because I'm the one they come to for help or they just don't care or they don't know how to help. I don't want to live here & do this anymore.
I swore I wouldn't go back to making bad decisions & being self-destructive but honestly, I think I was happier then. I crave a drink. I crave casual sex. I still have kleptotendencies. I see that car & crave it.... But I just can't do it. I don't want to lose control no matter how damn tempting it is. I just want the excitement of having the option of doing it, because I can.
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