Transitions

i went to work today and felt a lot of paranoia and upset. I just felt like I wanted to end my life at times. But I kept on with the work, wishing I had a different life. I say this because I feel like lability of my mood and identity of sense of self changes a lot, often. I came home from work and saw my face in the mirror. I looked like hell and my lower jaw was hanging open and I was mouth breathing uncontrollably. I am writing this as I settle down and ready for the office. I wonder what central wisdom can I find here. I don’t feel great but I kind of feel like a warrior. I can try and remember what things I had been thinking about yesterday in terms of goals and personal activities. I can reread my lists and journals and keep on top of life even if it is a bumpy hell-y road. Sometimes I feel like I am headed back to an assisted living facility but maybe I need to just take it moment to moment. Even if that makes me want it to end. I don’t know if I can aspire to much more, doing that and saving scrupulously will help me live well prepared.