transitions
I have noticed more and more lately that I have a hard time transitioning to being alone
to being with people and to being back alone again. Perhaps my awareness that it's hard is maybe a sign that I am more mindful?
Even so I don't feel so much better to deal with it. But I guess the point that's important is that
I AM dealing with it in a conscious kind of way.
Really tired right now, I go to the office after my shower.
It's really weird but I keep thinking and wondering "HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT!!??" - I am in awe
of strong successful people. Their lives must be like fun beyond belief.
Replies
I am normally alone in my basement, but I am constantly screwing around on the computer. I also have my parents in the same house. I would be kinda scared if I were living alone.
I tried it a bit, years ago. I was kicked out of the house and found myself in an ok neighborhood on the North Side of Chicago Bowman Square just above Ravenswood neighborhood (for those Chicago peeps). It was a super quiet few blocks. I had a cool, old apartment.
However I was out of control of my eating and drinking. Then I had a nervous breakdown at work, and quit. So there was no reason for me to live up there anymore.
My parents naturally took me back. Now I never really want to live in the city again. In the city, you have to watch that noone messes with your car and your stuff. You always have to be aware of others.
I am happy in the suburbs now....
Honest and deliberate awareness was/is a game changer inside my own skin. Emphasis on, "Honest and deliberate." Those fleeting moments of awareness which inspire me to reinforce my denial tactics don't count for me. If anything, the retreat reinforces those repression habits that work better for mere survival than living fully. When I am able to stay honestly aware and deliberate in my responses, I am routinely amazed at how much of my life was influenced by whatever I was repressing and/or denying. The meanest lies in the world are the ones I tell myself.
I am fine. How are you?
Self-Reminder:
Comparing my insides to your outsides is not a fair comparison. Can I be you this week? I have way too much of other people's chaos in my life this week. Making that transition to alone time sounds heavenly to me today. Problem envy comes all too easily. Reality checks needed.
come join me in my treehouse apartment Arfie! I will guide you through what's like a secret garden path that takes me to
the bakery. Just bought a cup of coffee. My usual. Things are better now. I relaxed at the office and now I just feel glad to be.
thanks again arfie. your keen sense of self awareness to not 'go into denial' has inspired me. As I have been home alone now after walking to the bakery for coffee, it has been progressively harder and harder to be alone. Work somehow tells me who I am and what I should be doing every moment.. Here at home, I perch myself on the couch to watch tv or i stuff my face or some such indulgent thing - . Perhaps I should go to the gym or maybe another walk. I'll go get the mail. I think as a youngster I was more prone to indulge fantasy and day dreaming - and now - in the adult and healing life, I have kind of dropped that I keep a tight ship and as close to the sidewalk....I sit in front of the tely - not so much entertained as I am kind of 'ready' - it's ok.
Don't know about you, but not a single one of my indulgent kid fantasies included being a couch potato or a shut in. . . I didn't get to manifest too many of those kid fantasies, but I still find it helpful to review them during those lonely moments, whether I am alone, or knot.
Hope you find peace with the new awareness, my questioner. ^It^ could lead you interesting and surprising places. Maybe even toward finishing that unfinished college project you keep dreaming about.
Things are good Arfie. Minor probs.
So last night, I get home, after going by my boss house and tending his garden, as he's in Turkey for a few weeks, then going to the Grocery Store, because Food is a necessity and I've not bothered with it in a while.... Then get home at 7:45 and have about 30 minutes of daylight to tend to my garden, so ran the groceries in the house, grabbed gloves, my shears and out to my gardens where I hastily, trimmed some flowers and picked some herbs and tried to get through the cucumber patch without grabbing a snake and still get the damn cucumbers that are 2 many and 2 big, because I keep missing them. Get the cukes out, running over to my landlord/neighbor as I've got too many in the fridge, make a lil small talk, blah, blah, blah, wrap up the pruning, break out the hose, water everything, stand very, very still because the hummingbird flits right off behind my head and it's, my favorite part of the day, he stays for a few seconds, and then goes to his feeder, he's a picky lil sucker, he likes it freshly wetted before he drinks. Wrap up the watering, make sure there's fresh water in the birdbaths for the froggies....and it's dark.
Pop in the house, put up the groceries.....and its that lovely time of day that I cannot freaking wait for every single day....peace and quiet. Just me and my house and me....tshirt, sweats, plop on the bed, TV on...relax....out of the corner of my eye....movement....little...black...movement....black...fucking spider on my bed...
I fly off the bed...like a dumb ass instead of killing the little 1 cm large insect while I can see it on the grey sheet....noooo...I fly off the bed so now the 1cm large black spider is somewhere amongst the BLACK PILLOW CASES AND BLACK DOWN COMFORTER AND BLACK WOOD HEADBOARD......DAMN IT!!!!!
I proceed to strip every thing from the bead, the comforter, the sheets, the pillowcases, every single thing and throw them in the laundry room, round up new green linens re-make the bed, which I'd just made Sunday. Find a fresh quilt, everything all nice and neat, new shams on the pillows, new pillowcases....the whole time staring at the black beadboard Headboard, thinking, "Dumbass, you know that little 1cm large spider is going to come back as soon as your ass hits the bed"...
Bed all made, room put right....stood at the side of the bed for a good 15 minutes......God I hate spiders. Finally got in bed, watched TV, relaxed eventually. Every time I woke up throughout the night instant "Spider Patrol". Suckass Night!
Too much self-awareness not always a good thing. I live on a Horse Ranch, logically I know there are bugs in and around my house all the time.....I know this.....but I don't see them and my brain is good. I will take logic over literal any day of the week! Damn spider ruined my people free zone.....
Big hug for you Marky..... I'm not much of a social butterfly anymore.... I was when I was young and then some life experiences changed that....
I'm okay not being around people a lot now... I accept that it's who I am now and to be around people a lot I had to force myself and I really didn't enjoy it
I visit with people more one on one or small groups when I want to and if I feel like being alone I am..... I'm okay with it
OldeC you have been busy!!
Thanks Jan!! And yes Kat you have been very busy!
.....this is why you should think....many, many times before having kids....and wanting them to have a good education....then having to pay for it.....and not just being able to sit at home and be a slug all day.
i'm really envying the slugs in my garden these days and hoping my youngest child will continue to take after his mother and speed through University!!!!!
....its been a "people heavy" week.
I worked for 30 years and have always done volunteer work.... I've never really felt like a 'slug'
I found work much different then socializing
I am not sure what you are trying to say Kat. At one point in my life I was very productive but illness and age has me slowed down a bit. The arc of our lives isn’t always a simple picture and I value my education very much.
BTW I left work to care for my 2 ill parents.... My mom had Alzheimer's not being able to leave the home was when over years I became socially really uncomfortable and I can't afford therapy
And I did finish my education, I just still have nightmares that I didn’t.
Wasn't directed at anyone, didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, sorry...mouth open, prying foot out.... Sorry that was a thought that should have staid in my head....I've just had too much people this week. When the boss and sales folks are on buying trips in Europe the business falls on me....we're growing into a bigger company than the "lil company" I came to work for when I semi-retired....there didn't used to be so many people to deal with.
I'm never happy if my brain is dormant or not busy...the "slug envy" was just a nod to the way they don't have to be social or physically busy, just kind of hanging around the garden trying not to get eaten.
I'd just like a few days of just trying "not to get eaten" please....no contractors pouring cement slabs and building metal buildings, with plans constantly changing because of 1 issue or another, no multiple gardens to care for, no dealing with Customers because the 1 Sales person who was here had a death in the family....no seeming to keep getting the only mean person that works at Homeland Security, why do I get the same damn lady that hates her job???? Get a new freaking job!!! Sorry, lil vent, there.
...actually...though if I'm being completely honest it was a bit of a slam at my loser ex-husband and his white-trash wife who profess to be God's Gifts to parenting....who think kids are "Grown Ass Adults" at 18 and get completely cut off in any way but, "bless you and we'll pray for you". So yeah I get a little peeved at having to foot the bill again, 100% for child number 2's College expenses...but shouldn't be as I paid for everything we ever had when we were married anyway. So, yeah, got that rant out of my system too.
Mouth shut.
...i'll never not work or not volunteer...as much as I don't like the psychological intricacy of dealing with people my brain would blow up....or kill me.