Transformations of the Heart
February 14th one of my grandson's turned four Yes he is a Valentine's boy. My son drone the hour and half on Friday the 12th to pick me up, so I can spend time with my grandsons and help him with the two toddlers. As soon as I got into his car he started to complain to me about me. We weren't even a mile from where I rent a room, when he challenged me by saying, "Do you want me to turn around now and take you back?" I just stayed quiet as I usually do because I truly desired to be with my grandson on his birthday. My birthday is the day after Valentine's Day and my son said last month we can celebrate both together, which he had no intentions of following through.
But I don't care much because I get to be with grandchildren! There was a birthday party for my 4 year old grandson at Chucky Cheese with his friends and their parents. He had a blast.
Unfortunately my son was bombarding me with awful verbal abuse from the time he picked me up. A 17 yr old girl at the party even asked my son... Why he was so mean to me? Imagine a stranger and a young girl was pointing out his behavior. Because I go to Alanon I usually ignore my son's abuse ...but this time around he was worse than ever and I noticed him drinking more alcohol ...
He is a narcissist and quite self centered. I love him deeply and know he is truly suffering within himself or he would never behave in this manner. I can see his suffering on his face. But this doesn't give him a license to abuse me consistently and order me to clean etc at his home, when I can barely take care of myself with CFS and breast cancer added in March. Geeeeezzz
I couldn't stand to hear another dispassionate order or abusive comment. So the 5th time he threatened me with going home I called his bluff! I said, "YES, I AM DONE!" I think he was shocked and got quiet while I packed and then when the car came to pick me up he literally threw all my bags out the front door in a rage. I had my computer and I bring my own foods for health reasons.
My 16 yr old grandson came out and helped me pick up my bags and bring them the my ride.
I did say, and I mean it... "I will NEVER come back here again!" I must protect myself from this horrific stress for my own wellbeing. My son has supplemented my Social Security Disability Income and has also held this over my head for the past few years as his illness of drinking and druging has advanced ...
Now he doesn't have to give me a penny and I feel free! Yes it will be difficult, but with God I can manage my funds as best as possible and live.
I had gotten soooo tired of his threats to stop helping me or his orders to do what I can't do for myself.
He is no longer the son I knew. My heart was broken on Valentine's Day. And I stayed alone in my rented room on my birthday. He hasn't turned off my cell yet, which he threatened to do. I an
M on his family plan due to it being more expensive to drop the mother of his second son than keep someone else on the plan, which is how I got on on the first place.
He has zero respect for me. He like most people don't comprehend CFS and thinks I should be working and helping him.
Well... I have accepted this a pong time ago and just shook off his comments, but this time it was more hurt than I could shake off.
I had my cry while praying for my son, for he needs to wake up. I can't change him, not even with unconditional love. I must forgive and let go. I can't do this anymore it's more painful than not seeing my grandchildren.
I am hoping to visit my dearest friend in Arizona and strongly considering moving back there. The only reason I moved to humid Florida was for my son and grandsons and it's too expensive living here on the east coast. At least in Arizona I can afford my own little place and the desert is quite healing. My friends are mostly Native Americans and going to the sweat lodge and other ceremonies of prayer always helped me when I lived there for 6 years.
I love the desert. Yes the summer is hot, however staying out of direct sun and always having water is paramount..
When it rains in the desert you can smell the Mother Earth and it fills me with passion for God's Grand creation. The sunrises and sunsets are awesome to meditate on. I could go on and on. I pray for guidance because I know I am all my son has. I want to be here for him, but not at the cost of my own life ....stress is really bad for cancer too.
I am praying for guidance and to live one day at a time in the present moment. I am down, but will be up again.
I like the saying: "Fall down 7 times and get up 8."
But I don't care much because I get to be with grandchildren! There was a birthday party for my 4 year old grandson at Chucky Cheese with his friends and their parents. He had a blast.
Unfortunately my son was bombarding me with awful verbal abuse from the time he picked me up. A 17 yr old girl at the party even asked my son... Why he was so mean to me? Imagine a stranger and a young girl was pointing out his behavior. Because I go to Alanon I usually ignore my son's abuse ...but this time around he was worse than ever and I noticed him drinking more alcohol ...
He is a narcissist and quite self centered. I love him deeply and know he is truly suffering within himself or he would never behave in this manner. I can see his suffering on his face. But this doesn't give him a license to abuse me consistently and order me to clean etc at his home, when I can barely take care of myself with CFS and breast cancer added in March. Geeeeezzz
I couldn't stand to hear another dispassionate order or abusive comment. So the 5th time he threatened me with going home I called his bluff! I said, "YES, I AM DONE!" I think he was shocked and got quiet while I packed and then when the car came to pick me up he literally threw all my bags out the front door in a rage. I had my computer and I bring my own foods for health reasons.
My 16 yr old grandson came out and helped me pick up my bags and bring them the my ride.
I did say, and I mean it... "I will NEVER come back here again!" I must protect myself from this horrific stress for my own wellbeing. My son has supplemented my Social Security Disability Income and has also held this over my head for the past few years as his illness of drinking and druging has advanced ...
Now he doesn't have to give me a penny and I feel free! Yes it will be difficult, but with God I can manage my funds as best as possible and live.
I had gotten soooo tired of his threats to stop helping me or his orders to do what I can't do for myself.
He is no longer the son I knew. My heart was broken on Valentine's Day. And I stayed alone in my rented room on my birthday. He hasn't turned off my cell yet, which he threatened to do. I an
M on his family plan due to it being more expensive to drop the mother of his second son than keep someone else on the plan, which is how I got on on the first place.
He has zero respect for me. He like most people don't comprehend CFS and thinks I should be working and helping him.
Well... I have accepted this a pong time ago and just shook off his comments, but this time it was more hurt than I could shake off.
I had my cry while praying for my son, for he needs to wake up. I can't change him, not even with unconditional love. I must forgive and let go. I can't do this anymore it's more painful than not seeing my grandchildren.
I am hoping to visit my dearest friend in Arizona and strongly considering moving back there. The only reason I moved to humid Florida was for my son and grandsons and it's too expensive living here on the east coast. At least in Arizona I can afford my own little place and the desert is quite healing. My friends are mostly Native Americans and going to the sweat lodge and other ceremonies of prayer always helped me when I lived there for 6 years.
I love the desert. Yes the summer is hot, however staying out of direct sun and always having water is paramount..
When it rains in the desert you can smell the Mother Earth and it fills me with passion for God's Grand creation. The sunrises and sunsets are awesome to meditate on. I could go on and on. I pray for guidance because I know I am all my son has. I want to be here for him, but not at the cost of my own life ....stress is really bad for cancer too.
I am praying for guidance and to live one day at a time in the present moment. I am down, but will be up again.
I like the saying: "Fall down 7 times and get up 8."
Replies
Wow! That sounds terrible! I would be conflicted as well. I mean, you want to see your grandkids, but this kind of abuse is so out of line. I\'m so sorry. I have not faced that from my kids and I hope I never do. You are doing the right thing, though, to protect yourself. I\'m glad you have learned good boundaries and know how to face this situation. Love you.
You\'ve fallen down seven times now! Time to get up and move to Arizona! THERE!! Words from the old lady in Joisey!
You do have that option. I am so happy about that. I\'m so sorry your son has this drinking and drugging problem. It is the source of his obnoxious behavior towards you, I\'m sure. How dare he treat you like that???? I don\'t get it. But then again, I do! My daughter got into drugs in her twenties and ran away, and I lost her for two years. I had to give her to God. I couldn\'t deal with the stress of worrying about her. You have to commit your son to God. The Lord doesn\'t want us to be abused. EVER! The Bible says to \"Honor they father and mother that thy days may be long on the earth\". I think your son needs to be told that God judges harshly when we disrespect our parents! Not a lecture, dear friend. I know that you know all these things.
I pray that you are able to put your son\'s behavior aside....know the source, it is drugs and alcohol abuse speaking and not the son your bore. May God direct you if you seriously consider moving to Arizona. I don\'t know why, but when I heard you describing the atmosphere there....I wanted to go with you.
I\'m here! xo
you make the desert sound so beautiful, you must really love it. abuse is never worth it. if he offered you a billion dollars to stay nearby it wouldn\'t be worth it. there is a meme that goes:
\"be picky about who you invest your time in, wasted time is worse than wasted money\".
let your grandsons know they will be welcome in arizona any time (as i\'m sure your son is a brutal with them as he is with you and probably everyone everywhere else) but that you have to leave for health reasons. and then just pack the basics, photographs, paperwork and minimal clothing (you can also mail things to arizona if you think you really need them). starting over is easy. go to public storage auctions and you can often purchase an entire house/apartment of furniture for a couple of hundred dollars or less and that is much cheaper than trying to move things.
life is too short to go through anything bad. so sorry this is happening to you and happy birthday! xxoo
p.s. you are living in a very expensive area of florida. st. petersburg and cocoa are about HALF the price of where you are right now. if you decide to stay because of your grandsons, you may want to just move a couple of hours north and that way they would have easier access to you if its ever necessary.
st. pete is so cheap, i bet you could actually BUY a house there. seriously. way cheaper than you think. 3% down and you get a mortgage. they also have many sliding scale housing areas for people on disability if you simply wanted your own apartment - both areas have that.
Setting boundaries with someone you love dearly is very hard.Having had to do that recently, I know just how hard. Your son sounds like he is coming from a place where the emptiness seems bigger than he is, and he distracts himself from that awful feeling poor attempts at putting others down. When I am around people like this - I always ask myself \"what is here for me to learn\"? Usually (in my case - not saying this is true for you!) I can find places where I too have behaved in ways I could improve on. So I (mentally & spiritually) thank the person. And then ? I work on those areas AND I choose other people to spend time with!
I LOVE how you chose to leave rather than suffer any longer. And the idea of moving to Arizona (something I too toyed with some years ago) is SO appealing! Can we all come visit in the spring???
Thank you Dear DC Family for your supportive comments. I am alone and it gets old... All I have is DC and Alanon meetings. I don\'t get out much and truly appreciate your support.
I am doing better with this issue, as I went to a few Alanon meetings and journaled it off my chest and heart. My son is suffering and I continue to pray for him and grandsons....
My lesson here was to protect myself and set that boundary... I have permitted his disease to abuse me too long and it\'s the disease of addiction I hurt from and not my dear son. However as long as he chooses to drink and/ or drug I must stay away...
I have started to learn to love myself unconditionally from dealing with illness and going to Alanon meetings and it has taken me many years to get to this point of unconditional self-love. I refuse to permit my son or anyone else to thwart this journey of discovery...
We are all special in our own ways and deserve love and respect, especially from ourselves first
It is really, really inportant that you protect yourself from your son. I agree with all the other good feedback you\'ve gotten. You have so much of your own suffering to cope with it is just sad that your grandchildren are mixed up in this. PErhaps something will sort it self out when you set limits and or move to Arizona which seems healthier for you. Perhaps the kids will come visit. In the meantime, be gentle and loving of yourself and know youare doing the right things to protect yourself.
Hugs,
Denise
You have no choice but to remove yourself from all the abuse and heart break. You deserve love and it certainly isn\'t coming from him.He will destroy you if you don\'t disassociate.You must heal so you need all the right medicine.This situation is so terrible.I really feel for you.I am caught up in a lot of family stress at present and wish I could go with you to Arizona for a while. Just disappear.
It\'s no doubt the drugs are causing your son\'s aggression.Saddest part is being separated from your darling grandchildren. However hold faith that you will see them on a regular basis in the near future.Love will find a way. All is happening for a reason.Your karma is calling you to the desert for healing.Keep smiling despite all obstacles.The journey is testing.My heart is with you.Much love kindred soul.xoxo
So sorry your birthday was lonely and sad.So belated Birthday wishes and love.
Plenty more to come, and happy ones too.hugs xo
Glad you are going to Alanon. hope it will give you the strength to take care of yourself. you have gotten a lot of good advice here, so i will just remind you of the Serenity prayer & send you my prayers as well
there is a pattern of emotional abuse, where did that script come from (don\'t tell me- its a question for u to ask yourself) my brother sounds like your son, I spent years not speaking up- its all those things we hold inside that eat us alive. That\'s where all the pain comes from , dis-ease causes disease. No matter how old any of us are, its never to late to be the person u needed when u were a child, what would that person be like? can u be that for yourself now? (again, questions for yourself) find the thorn within and pull it out.