Traitor
I feel like a complete traitor! I haven't been on her for OVER six months and here I am about to ask for advice and support :(
There is good news and there is bad news.
Good news - I did it! I went a year manless and it didn't kill me as you can plainly see. At first it was soooo hard but by the end I barely noticed I wasn't dating because I had finally got my own life off the ground I was so busy. I read and read and read self-help books and I'm still reading. I got a counselor and did a lot of work. I expanded my social life and spent lots of time with friends. It wasn't always easy. I wavered but I stuck to it! Maybe it's more important to share our successes than our downfalls but when you're content it's easier to believe in yourself:)
So to the bad news and what prompted me to write on here again. So my counselor thought I was pretty stable and might be able to date again. So okay...I went on a couple dates ... no sparks, okay conversation, was able to analyze and dechiper and moved VERY slowly and there was no one so far who I was interested in but I was very proud of myself for realizing this on my own and making a good decision. However through all these dates I didn't feel much but was using my head. This lack of feeling kind of bothered me....was I deadened now?
Downfall happened when I went out for my 40th birthday (yes I turned 40 in December and that's a whole other thing!) with friends (and yes drinking was involved). So we went to a club and you guessed it...there he is...that guy that makes me weak in the knees. My friend's boyfriend propelled me towards him (also a whole other story) and we ended up dancing and hooking up that night (no sex involved just to make that clear). Well suddenly I felt that old feeling that I hadn't felt in forever where my whold body just seemed to come alive. I was euphoric. I could feel again!!! Well he texted me the next day but now I haven't heard from him in a week.
Slowly over that week I could feel the old obsession "should I call him", "why isn't he calling me?" "is something wrong with me?" "will I ever learn?"
So now I'm scared....have I truly learned nothing?????? And I'm pissed at myself for making such a COLLOSSAL (is that how you spell it?) mistake. I am so mad. I have done so well worked so hard for what? Just to go back to the exact same place I was before.
Any comments greatly appreciated ...
There is good news and there is bad news.
Good news - I did it! I went a year manless and it didn't kill me as you can plainly see. At first it was soooo hard but by the end I barely noticed I wasn't dating because I had finally got my own life off the ground I was so busy. I read and read and read self-help books and I'm still reading. I got a counselor and did a lot of work. I expanded my social life and spent lots of time with friends. It wasn't always easy. I wavered but I stuck to it! Maybe it's more important to share our successes than our downfalls but when you're content it's easier to believe in yourself:)
So to the bad news and what prompted me to write on here again. So my counselor thought I was pretty stable and might be able to date again. So okay...I went on a couple dates ... no sparks, okay conversation, was able to analyze and dechiper and moved VERY slowly and there was no one so far who I was interested in but I was very proud of myself for realizing this on my own and making a good decision. However through all these dates I didn't feel much but was using my head. This lack of feeling kind of bothered me....was I deadened now?
Downfall happened when I went out for my 40th birthday (yes I turned 40 in December and that's a whole other thing!) with friends (and yes drinking was involved). So we went to a club and you guessed it...there he is...that guy that makes me weak in the knees. My friend's boyfriend propelled me towards him (also a whole other story) and we ended up dancing and hooking up that night (no sex involved just to make that clear). Well suddenly I felt that old feeling that I hadn't felt in forever where my whold body just seemed to come alive. I was euphoric. I could feel again!!! Well he texted me the next day but now I haven't heard from him in a week.
Slowly over that week I could feel the old obsession "should I call him", "why isn't he calling me?" "is something wrong with me?" "will I ever learn?"
So now I'm scared....have I truly learned nothing?????? And I'm pissed at myself for making such a COLLOSSAL (is that how you spell it?) mistake. I am so mad. I have done so well worked so hard for what? Just to go back to the exact same place I was before.
Any comments greatly appreciated ...
Replies
HUGE HELLO arat38...Gees I thought you just had to go and forgot to end your membership.
So, you are asking exactly what? why you are going into shaky land when mister most desirable doesn\'t phone back in a good amount of time?
Here is a little tale that might say something. When I was with \"mr. wrong\" I had the hots for his friend. This was out of the ordinary for me.
Now the thing is I really enjoyed having that feeling for some one with out having to make the person mine. i still like the memory of it . I like the memory best because it proved to me that I could feel that way ... be tremendously attracted with out making it into I have to have it because ... because WHY?
Now for me it was obvius I was physically attracted to him ... OK so that part works and that part is exciting.
Next came the personality which I was all over. Just talking to him was enough to set my heart a flame. GREAT!
But then nothing. All I got to do is become stimulated and not pursue in that the other person was going to ultimately be THE ANSWER.
What I knew and then what I grew to REALIZEis that What was contanined in that attraction was a part of myself I needed to know and I didn\'t need the other person to do this just a catalyst.
I think the whole idea of not getting to have is the key to looking at the switch that still is present in the dark.
I am also a strong believer that any person or man that seems too good to be true... IS, too good to be true. There is huge illusion going on which would include the appearance and disappearance of your focal point (man).
His phone call is not about you. You are about you. He doesn\'t even really know you. Truth is NO one will ever know all about any other person.
Now for the part you might not want to know about. This mr perfect.. well, if he spent time with you .. then texted and a week later he has not phoned to make a date.. you didn\'t sleep with him tells me he is playing. He is putting a strng on you if you allow it and so far that is working fine. Getting you ready to burst when he finally does make contact which he will.
It will not come and hasn\'t in the appropriate timing which tells me he is
Throwing YOU crumbs.
So, instead of thinking \"what is wrong with me\" try on a new pair of shoes qand ask what hell is wrong with a man who doesn\'t know when he has bumped into a fine woman and is missing the train.
So, to me this story already would tell me this guy is a wraper and with no subst5ance.
It reads like the methods men list to get a woman in the palm of their hand in order to control. It isn\'t fourth right , slightly manipulative even if there is a handsome excuse.
A man who wants the woman makes that phone call.
Last but not least do not give your meaning of self to his behavior and choices. Again he doesn\'t KNOW you. He isn\'t god in that he chooses the best. Just a man . and in general men are not that emotionally intelligent.
But yes if this is the week end and he hasn\'t asked for a date.. I would say, he has something going on. Even a man going out of town who intends to court a woman phones!
This has nothing to do with what/who you are or what you are not. At best it is about his agenda, at middle place it is about a disappointment and to an extreme (distortion) it is about self criticism.
I\'m confused about where the weak knees guy came from? He wasn\'t one of the ones you had recently been on a date on from what I understood because you felt no sparks with them?
I am not sure about what advice to give. My natural reaction would be that this is the first \"test guy\" and that he is like the previous guys you\'ve been attracted to, hence the intense passionate feelings up front, his lack of contact (big red flag), and your fear of abandonment kicking in due to his lack of contact.
I went through this about 6 months after my latest \"relationship\" ended with the last Narcissist abuser I was involved with. He was the cop who took advantage of me. 6 months down the road I met another cop, a local cop. Right from the start I had the instant attraction, going out of my way to try to get his attention, ignoring all the red flags (he\'s a typical N as well), he was playing me, another women, and his wife (whom he didn\'t want to leave) all at the same time. And of course HE was the victim and wanted us all to feel sorry for him. Unfortunately I let it drag on for too long. But I NEVER did anything with him, I at least had enough sense at that point, 6 months into recovery, to not jump into anything. Finally, when he started the pulling away games, it became obvious to me that he was like the rest and I didn\'t need that shit again. So I walked away. I actually spent a week writing a well thought out email to him about how I didn\'t appreciate the way he treated me, the games he played, etc. I didn\'t verbally attack him, but I assertively stated what I needed to get off my chest. He came back with the \"I never had feelings for you, I just like you as a friend\" bs (this after he had asked me to be in a relationship with him...guess he forgot about that part). I didn\'t even waste any energy responding to his nonsense. He is 40 yrs old, good career, but a total loser. Sleeping on a twin size mattress on the floor of an empty apt because he was an N and couldn\'t take care of himself. But point is, I ignored all those red flags while my head was spinning and I was thinking this is the guy of my dreams. When sense finally came to me, I was able to see the light and realize he was EXACTLY like the exes I had gotten away from.
It has been about 2 yrs since then and I haven\'t been attracted to ANYONE. No narcissistic abusers at all. I don\'t get that passionate instant attraction to any men. Which is good because that\'s a red flag in itself. But the unfortunate part is I haven\'t felt anything for anyone else either. I don\'t know if it\'s just a slow process going from being attracted to losers to being attracted to good guys, or if I\'m stuck in between somehow, or if there\'s just so few good guys that I haven\'t stumbled across one yet...
But I consider that loser cop to be my \"test guy\", the first N I had try to lure me into his games after I began this journey of recovery. I don\'t consider it a failure. It would have been nice if I hadn\'t been drug thru the mud for MONTHS before I finally realized what was going on. But the point is I didn\'t go too far with him (and you didn\'t go too far with this guy), and I was able to see it, realize I was repeating old patterns, and walk away. Now you realize it, now it\'s time to walk away as well. And be proud of yourself for coming so far as to see this for what it is and not get sucked too far in again. I think it\'s a big step forward, not backward.
Pageo - I had forgotten how wise you are in these months but you just reminded me how fortunate I am to hear your words. You are sooooo on point. He did text me...on Friday and just like you said he is giving me crumbs and a string so that later, if he wants to he can pull it. He texted me and then abruptly said he had to go and to \"give him an hour\"....never to be heard from since. These are games I know so well except this time I am not going to play. You reminded me that I am not him and that I still have things to learn. Thank you.
AgentSmith - the weak in the knees guy was a guy I met out with friends...not any of the ones I have been dating. I have managed to keep my balance with these other men, but this one got me all a tingling which I hadn\'t felt in a long time. Your second paragraph says it all...this MUST be my test guy because all the feelings and patterns from my previous relationships have come up and the horrible since of abandonment has arisen. The head spinning thing I can relate to so much. I can relate to you saying you don\'t feel anything because that\'s exactly how I have been feeling lately and I wondered what the heck was going on? Can you be cautious and fell at the same time...it is all so hard. You really made me feel better saying that by realizing who this guy is I am changing. It is amazing the kind of damage these N relationships have on us for so long after. Thanks:)
In a book by John Bradshaw says if you get all that tingling and crap....RUN. Its familiar. The more tingling and euphoria the more dysfuntional the relationship will be.
My therapist also told me that the Universe will send you out \'test\' guys to make sure that you have learned what you needed to learn.
Since you have been obessing about him after a night of pure physical chemistry, that would indicate to me that you went straight to fantasy thinking. Obviously he has not give you any real indication of his character, so the obessing must come from fantasy (or let me know if I am wrong).
My therapist said to remember the feeling that I thought was excitement about xn and know that later on, if I ever get THAT feeling to know it means danger. And that what I mistook for excitement was probably anxiety.
In the book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin DeBecker also states the same thing, that our body will not let us down.
There are feelings which have to do with excitement of meeting someone new and there are feelings of danger and anxiety. We must learn to differenciate between the two.
You are soooo right (Hi by the way:) Hope you are well - I will be catching up on journals soon). I was already obsessing about him and the fantasy and all that makes so much sense. It was amazing to me how quickly I went into that pattern again. I really do think this guy was a test guy...I had been doing so well otherwise...really keeping perspective and not jumping into things. I am dating VERY casually...more to get practice and a feel of where I am really at with this stuff. And don\'t worry I ran....but it\'s so helpful and supportive to have advice:) Hope to talk to you soon.
The good news is, even though it was painful to go through the \"test guy\" thing, which lasted probably 4 months, and I cried and couldn\'t get out of bed and obsessed and all that crap, once I did finally say ENOUGH, I never looked back. I wrote him my email stating how I didn\'t appreciate his behavior, etc, and that was it. I never contacted him again. There were some tense moments because I am an auxiliary police officer in my city now, where he works as a police officer, and I was CONSTANTLY worried about bumping into him or being assigned to patrol with him. And about a year later that happened. We were assigned a traffic detail at the same intersection, he tried the typical flirting with me like we had never stopped talking thing. I was polite and professional, and there was nothing beyond that. I never contacted him again. He never tried to contact me again.
Since that 4 month period, I have never had the crazy obsessive, tingly, excitement, obsession crap with ANY man. Well except for a celebrity or some such thing, but that is pretty harmless I think and keeps me out of trouble :) So once you get past the test guy, hopefully you\'ll be in the home stretch like me.