Traitor
I feel like a complete traitor! I haven't been on her for OVER six months and here I am about to ask for advice and support :(
There is good news and there is bad news.
Good news - I did it! I went a year manless and it didn't kill me as you can plainly see. At first it was soooo hard but by the end I barely noticed I wasn't dating because I had finally got my own life off the ground I was so busy. I read and read and read self-help books and I'm still reading. I got a counselor and did a lot of work. I expanded my social life and spent lots of time with friends. It wasn't always easy. I wavered but I stuck to it! Maybe it's more important to share our successes than our downfalls but when you're content it's easier to believe in yourself:)
So to the bad news and what prompted me to write on here again. So my counselor thought I was pretty stable and might be able to date again. So okay...I went on a couple dates ... no sparks, okay conversation, was able to analyze and dechiper and moved VERY slowly and there was no one so far who I was interested in but I was very proud of myself for realizing this on my own and making a good decision. However through all these dates I didn't feel much but was using my head. This lack of feeling kind of bothered me....was I deadened now?
Downfall happened when I went out for my 40th birthday (yes I turned 40 in December and that's a whole other thing!) with friends (and yes drinking was involved). So we went to a club and you guessed it...there he is...that guy that makes me weak in the knees. My friend's boyfriend propelled me towards him (also a whole other story) and we ended up dancing and hooking up that night (no sex involved just to make that clear). Well suddenly I felt that old feeling that I hadn't felt in forever where my whold body just seemed to come alive. I was euphoric. I could feel again!!! Well he texted me the next day but now I haven't heard from him in a week.
Slowly over that week I could feel the old obsession "should I call him", "why isn't he calling me?" "is something wrong with me?" "will I ever learn?"
So now I'm scared....have I truly learned nothing?????? And I'm pissed at myself for making such a COLLOSSAL (is that how you spell it?) mistake. I am so mad. I have done so well worked so hard for what? Just to go back to the exact same place I was before.
Any comments greatly appreciated ...
There is good news and there is bad news.
Good news - I did it! I went a year manless and it didn't kill me as you can plainly see. At first it was soooo hard but by the end I barely noticed I wasn't dating because I had finally got my own life off the ground I was so busy. I read and read and read self-help books and I'm still reading. I got a counselor and did a lot of work. I expanded my social life and spent lots of time with friends. It wasn't always easy. I wavered but I stuck to it! Maybe it's more important to share our successes than our downfalls but when you're content it's easier to believe in yourself:)
So to the bad news and what prompted me to write on here again. So my counselor thought I was pretty stable and might be able to date again. So okay...I went on a couple dates ... no sparks, okay conversation, was able to analyze and dechiper and moved VERY slowly and there was no one so far who I was interested in but I was very proud of myself for realizing this on my own and making a good decision. However through all these dates I didn't feel much but was using my head. This lack of feeling kind of bothered me....was I deadened now?
Downfall happened when I went out for my 40th birthday (yes I turned 40 in December and that's a whole other thing!) with friends (and yes drinking was involved). So we went to a club and you guessed it...there he is...that guy that makes me weak in the knees. My friend's boyfriend propelled me towards him (also a whole other story) and we ended up dancing and hooking up that night (no sex involved just to make that clear). Well suddenly I felt that old feeling that I hadn't felt in forever where my whold body just seemed to come alive. I was euphoric. I could feel again!!! Well he texted me the next day but now I haven't heard from him in a week.
Slowly over that week I could feel the old obsession "should I call him", "why isn't he calling me?" "is something wrong with me?" "will I ever learn?"
So now I'm scared....have I truly learned nothing?????? And I'm pissed at myself for making such a COLLOSSAL (is that how you spell it?) mistake. I am so mad. I have done so well worked so hard for what? Just to go back to the exact same place I was before.
Any comments greatly appreciated ...
Replies