Trapt

Actually writing this stuff down is something I've never attepted to do. There's just so much stuff i have to say and i dont know what to start off with. well, first of all i have two friends. both of them are very very special to me.  one i've known for about 6 years and the other only 3 and a half. the one i've known for a longer period of time and i have become very very close and she was the only one i told when i decided i was ready to tell someone. she is still the only one who knows. we have such a deep connection and spend all our time together. i couldn't live without her and she couldn't do the same. we tell each other everything and depend on each other for everything. we hold hands and have little dates, and sometimes we just cuddle and listen to music or watch disney movies... but she isn't lesbian and doesn't want to go there. we can live together, but she likes guys and even had a boyfriend for a while. she says she might swing, but she isn't sure and she wouldn't ever date me, she just doesn't like me that way. This is fine with me, i can accept that. remaining friends is probably for the best. this is were my second friend comes into play. a month after we met and became really really close she got into this relationship and to this day she's still with him, but he's in pakistan right now, and will be forever. over the course of our friendship i've realized feelings for her and would jump at the oppurtunity to be with her, but she not only doesn't know i'm a lesbain, but might freak at the idea of it. my other friend hates that i spend so much time with this friend and feels i give her too much attention. i've explained to her that i have a major crush on this friend, but she just doesn't get it. it's not fair that she's not into me, and i can't be into someone else. she choose to the "friend", but right now, i need more than that and i get something out of being with my other friend. She's just a different type of person, one you could imagine spending a liftime with. there have been so many conflicts between the three of us and i've been asked to chose too many times. i dont know for  how much longer i can keep it up between the three of us. heavens forbid we're in the same room together, the tension's just unabarable. all i really want to say in this journal is: i've had it! i can't be with the girl i want to be with and my friend is being selfish. i want to be close to someone, not friend close but build something real with someone. i have this horrible loneliness within me and my situation isn't helping. sometimes i wish i didn't have to see either of them so i could start over somehow...