Tougher shell...
Well I have to start with the negativity to get it out of the way. I have stuff in the garage of my old place with the Exn. Some stuff mine and some stuff I had dealings with a local Pawn shop there in town. I figured he would return it as he wanted this deal with us over but apparently he's not returned any of the stuff. I sent his sister a msg on Facebook and asked her to find out and if she was uncomfortable to let me know and I would find another way to get word to him to return it. She asked and sent me a msg this morning that he was considering on having a sale with the pawn shop stuff (which is what I did with it and he would make sure to get them their part) and was miffed that I didn't contact him myself to let him know to return it. I replied that after the last conversation we had I wasn't planning on ever talking to him again and that I had already talked with my guy at the pawn shop and they made it clear that they didn't want me doing any sales just to get the stuff returned. Ended up I called her because she was still awake and we talked for a bit. Hadn't really talked with her since our split and I was pretty candid with her on where I am at.
Now I try really hard to keep things in control, my feelings, hiding the anger, hurt and resentment for the most part, sometimes I do have my moment's and I will say I've considered suicide. Not that I am ill or that I can't get out from under this but in the fact that I don't know if I want to. Since I was 17 all I really wanted to do was to be with him. That's it. I busted my ass to "prove" it to him for him to tell me continuously in many ways I wasn't good enough. I've considered it over many options because of not being able to find my path. My kids have their dad and I know they would be taken care of. I've talked it over with my mom and a few other family members. My mom has also thought of suicide over the years, she was in a physically abusive relationship with my father and than an alcoholic relationship with my ex step dad. Now I haven't take it to the extreme's of how to do it, just the thoughts of if things would be better off. I've started taking some St. John's Wart which is suppose to help my mood and memory so we'll see how that goes but I hide it well. Feel as tho I've been beaten like when someone takes a rug out and hangs it on the line and smacks it with a broom, lol. So we talked a little bit about things and I know she knows how the situation was with her brother and she feels bads for his kids that they have to live with it. She was very comforting and upbeat about things, the he didn't deserve you comments and how I deserve so much better. It was a relief in some ways.
Now onto more positive things. Went for a 3 mile walk, getting ready to jump into sauna for a bit then I got to get the car packed for the lake trip this weekend. My little brother left for the marines a few weeks ago and a letter came in the mail and I want to open it up but it's addressed to my mom, got to wait to ask. Hope he 's doing well. I finished the touch ups on my mom's kitchen walls yesterday, it turned out really well. Still trying to get use to not having much hair, most of it's gone, had a hard time putting it up this morning for the walk. Anywho gotta go and get ready, got to leave this afternoon after sister gets off work. Will be gone all weekend, hope everyone has a great weekend.
Now I try really hard to keep things in control, my feelings, hiding the anger, hurt and resentment for the most part, sometimes I do have my moment's and I will say I've considered suicide. Not that I am ill or that I can't get out from under this but in the fact that I don't know if I want to. Since I was 17 all I really wanted to do was to be with him. That's it. I busted my ass to "prove" it to him for him to tell me continuously in many ways I wasn't good enough. I've considered it over many options because of not being able to find my path. My kids have their dad and I know they would be taken care of. I've talked it over with my mom and a few other family members. My mom has also thought of suicide over the years, she was in a physically abusive relationship with my father and than an alcoholic relationship with my ex step dad. Now I haven't take it to the extreme's of how to do it, just the thoughts of if things would be better off. I've started taking some St. John's Wart which is suppose to help my mood and memory so we'll see how that goes but I hide it well. Feel as tho I've been beaten like when someone takes a rug out and hangs it on the line and smacks it with a broom, lol. So we talked a little bit about things and I know she knows how the situation was with her brother and she feels bads for his kids that they have to live with it. She was very comforting and upbeat about things, the he didn't deserve you comments and how I deserve so much better. It was a relief in some ways.
Now onto more positive things. Went for a 3 mile walk, getting ready to jump into sauna for a bit then I got to get the car packed for the lake trip this weekend. My little brother left for the marines a few weeks ago and a letter came in the mail and I want to open it up but it's addressed to my mom, got to wait to ask. Hope he 's doing well. I finished the touch ups on my mom's kitchen walls yesterday, it turned out really well. Still trying to get use to not having much hair, most of it's gone, had a hard time putting it up this morning for the walk. Anywho gotta go and get ready, got to leave this afternoon after sister gets off work. Will be gone all weekend, hope everyone has a great weekend.
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