TOUGH DAY!
4-16-09: Today was tough on so many levels. Tomorrow it will be twenty-two months since Scott passed away. Today it has been twenty-two months since I last saw him alive. I will never forget me telling him to "Be safe, I love you" and him looking over his shoulder, with his cock-eyed grin telling me, "I will, love you, too". I was sick yesterday. Chills, hot, stomach, all the ick! I started for work but did not make it. I have missed so much. Today, first thing, I had to go to the principal's office for my evaluation. I got the highest marks on everything except attendance and tardies. I don't have any excuses, just reasons. Yes, I believe there is a difference. Anyway, he had to send a statement to HR that I had been talked to about this. So, regardless of how I feel, I will go in. If I throw up on everyone's shoes, so be it. I have never missed so much work and I am upset with myself for it. On the other hand, I have never lost a child before, either. Or, had a mother who is fighting a huge fight with colon cancer. Or, a father-in-law who is eighty-seven. Etc., etc. I don't want to lose my job! First of all, I truly love it. Second, I have to have the income! Anyway, it was impossible to hold my tears in the office and later. It was somewhat humiliating. I will just have to do better! I am going to look up all my prescriptions and doctor appointments, copy them, and send them to HR and the principal. At least they will know that 95% (or better) of my absences have required attention. I haven't just been "playing hooky". (If only!) I don't really know if that will matter. Maybe it will make it worse. I just feel like I need to prove myself. Especially when everything else about my evaluation could not be higher! So, tonight I am really down and crabby. I am going to work on my book for a bit and try to get to bed. Well, getting to bed is not a problem....getting to sleep is. I just lay there and my thoughts start to stray. First thing you know, I am having flash backs. I try not to go there. I try and re-direct. My mind has a mind of its own! Once again, I have to remind myself I have already done the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can/must do this!
Replies
Oh dear, I am only 5 months into this thing, so I have no words of wisdom. All I can say is that I am here for you, know your pain and will be here for you whenever you need me to be. Love Belinda
I feel the pain you feel I\'m getting to where when I go to bed I start thinking of Justin I don\'t know if it\'s the weather (he loved this time of year)but it takes me forever to go to sleep and I take sleeping pills.Just know I\'m here.Love Vicki
Oh Ginger, I know it\'s hard. Somehow, someway we have to try to not dwell on what we have no control over. I wear a bracelet every day with the serenity prayer on it. We must find serenity to accept the things we cannot change. It reminds me that I have to go on. I can\'t stop living even though I want to sometimes. This is our life now. We can only move forward and find something good to live for. Those kids at school need you. Remember, you make a difference. You might be the one comfort or smile that they have on a particular day. I know we just want our sons back, but it cannot be. They are flying with the angels and they\'re happy. I hope you find some peace and happiness in the days to come. Love, Julia
Oh Sweetie! I know exactly how you feel! As you know I am disabled, but fought to keep my job because I loved it,..well, my attendance was bad towards the end (when everything else was the highest grade) so I finally did have to quit. But, I remember so well, the humiliation and shame I felt about being \"talked to\". That aside, I was no longer working when Jamie died, but there is no way that I could have worked much, the grief has taken such a toll on my health. I had issues before but they are much worse now. I was just talking to another mom recently about this and we were recounting all the health issues of we Moms who have lost a child. I believe with all my heart that our health is compromised through our grief. That said, I wish I had something more positive to share with you. I am trying to live as though to make my son proud of me, because our sons do see us and they know. They want our happiness more than anything, so make each day something to do for your son, and in your mind, see him smiling at you!--Love and tight hugs, Judy
Yes I know it is hard & when you have a job they just don\'t understand what we are going through. I know that they will see you as a good person & a good worker & will take that in to consideration...See you tomorrow, Hugs Connie
I am amazed at the courage and strength that you have. Going to work is something I sure would not be able to do. I did not even leave my house for months after my second son died. I would go if James was with me, and I only went to things for my grand kids. I feel they need me. I feel like I am a bridge from them to their Dads. My husband even had to go to the grocery store. I think you are going to succeed at what you want to do. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You just keep on taking baby steps one at a time and you are going to get better every day.Love Peggy
You are doing great just to still be getting such high marks on your performance at work with all you are going thru. I\'m sure they will understand the absences. Hope you are feeling better. Sending good thoughts your way.....Love, Kim
I think of you every time the 17th rolls around since that is also the date we lost Weston (only in July instead of June). We seem to be so close on this journey in so many ways. I hope you\'re feeling better now. I\'m so looking forward to your book. I wish you lots of luck in that major task. Love and hugs, Cyn
Hope you are feeling better and that HR understands the reason for the absences. Who know how it would effect our lives. Sending strength to carry on. Love and hugs Cathy
I know you wrote this a while back, but we moved and I have been out of the loop...anyways...those anniversaries...they suck. Mother\'s Day is the anniversary of the last time I saw Alex. Stirs the saddest of memories...love to you...Karen