4-16-09: Today was tough on so many levels. Tomorrow it will be twenty-two months since Scott passed away. Today it has been twenty-two months since I last saw him alive. I will never forget me telling him to "Be safe, I love you" and him looking over his shoulder, with his cock-eyed grin telling me, "I will, love you, too". I was sick yesterday. Chills, hot, stomach, all the ick! I started for work but did not make it. I have missed so much. Today, first thing, I had to go to the principal's office for my evaluation. I got the highest marks on everything except attendance and tardies. I don't have any excuses, just reasons. Yes, I believe there is a difference. Anyway, he had to send a statement to HR that I had been talked to about this. So, regardless of how I feel, I will go in. If I throw up on everyone's shoes, so be it. I have never missed so much work and I am upset with myself for it. On the other hand, I have never lost a child before, either. Or, had a mother who is fighting a huge fight with colon cancer. Or, a father-in-law who is eighty-seven. Etc., etc. I don't want to lose my job! First of all, I truly love it. Second, I have to have the income! Anyway, it was impossible to hold my tears in the office and later. It was somewhat humiliating. I will just have to do better! I am going to look up all my prescriptions and doctor appointments, copy them, and send them to HR and the principal. At least they will know that 95% (or better) of my absences have required attention. I haven't just been "playing hooky". (If only!) I don't really know if that will matter. Maybe it will make it worse. I just feel like I need to prove myself. Especially when everything else about my evaluation could not be higher! So, tonight I am really down and crabby. I am going to work on my book for a bit and try to get to bed. Well, getting to bed is not a problem....getting to sleep is. I just lay there and my thoughts start to stray. First thing you know, I am having flash backs. I try not to go there. I try and re-direct. My mind has a mind of its own! Once again, I have to remind myself I have already done the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can/must do this!