TOUGH DAY!

4-16-09:  Today was tough on so many levels.  Tomorrow it will be twenty-two months since Scott passed away.  Today it has been twenty-two months since I last saw him alive.  I will never forget me telling him to "Be safe, I love you" and him looking over his shoulder, with his cock-eyed grin telling me, "I will, love you, too".   I was sick yesterday.  Chills, hot, stomach, all the ick!  I started for work but did not make it.  I have missed so much. Today, first thing, I had to go to the principal's office for my evaluation.  I got the highest marks on everything except attendance and tardies.  I don't have any excuses, just reasons.  Yes, I believe there is a difference.  Anyway, he had to send a statement to HR that I had been talked to about this.  So, regardless of how I feel, I will go in.  If I throw up on everyone's shoes, so be it.  I have never missed so much work and I am upset with myself for it.  On the other hand, I have never lost a child before, either. Or, had a mother who is fighting a huge fight with colon cancer. Or, a father-in-law who is eighty-seven. Etc., etc.  I don't want to lose my job!  First of all, I truly love it.  Second, I have to have the income!  Anyway, it was impossible to hold my tears in the office and later.  It was somewhat humiliating.  I will just have to do better!  I am going to look up all my prescriptions and doctor appointments, copy them, and send them to HR and the principal.  At least they will know that 95% (or better) of my absences have required attention.  I haven't just been "playing hooky". (If only!)  I don't really know if that will matter.  Maybe it will make it worse.  I just feel like I need to prove myself.  Especially when everything else about my evaluation could not be higher! So, tonight I am really down and crabby.  I am going to work on my book for a bit and try to get to bed.  Well, getting to bed is not a problem....getting to sleep is.  I just lay there and my thoughts start to stray.  First thing you know, I am having flash backs.  I try not to go there.  I try and re-direct.  My mind has a mind of its own!   Once again, I have to remind myself I have already done the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I can/must do this!