Touch of Crazy
Today I kinda lost it again for a bit... I don't know how long it's going to take for this to go away, but I can't wait. The akathesia also came back, but I took my pill for it and it's calmed down. I just have to go lower on the Risperdal. I've been hallucinating a bit, but I didn't hallucinate when I was off of it, so it might be causing the hallucinations. The Risperdal is the drug that my doctor originally wanted me off of in the first place, so it's okay. It was only when he mentioned going off all my meds that I got excited. I don't ever want to be how I was without them ever again. I'm worried about tonight. I have trouble in the dark. My mind takes me to places I don't want to go. I don't know where these places are, I can't describe it (insanity is not easily written) but I just know it's where I don't want to be. It's a scary place, scarier than any movie. Scary movies make it worse, but I've been avoiding them. Anything scary, in fact.
I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow, but I have to. I didn't go in today but I could have. I was just tired. I slept like crap last night, waking up every couple hours and not getting the deep sleep my body needs. I spent most of the day trying to nap, and the rest of it trying not to barf. I had one of the Marie Calendar pot pies for lunch, and it was too much. I don't know if my body did a mental calorie count, but I almost puked a couple times after I was done with it. I don't know if there is food for me in the kitchen, but I don't think so. I'm not hungry, anyway. I don't know if I could eat now... it's almost 9pm and my stomach has settled for the most part, but I'm still burping pot pie. I was just trying to get above 1,200 calories for the day. I'm not sure how many are in the pot pie... I though the box said one box was a serving, but Spark People counts it as 2. If it's 2 servings, then I made it well over 1,200 calories and I'm in range. But if it's only 1, then I'm way low on my calories again (930). I'm just going to count it as 2, since that's what Spark People says.
I can't stay on topic. I'm just tired, but I don't think I will be able to fall asleep easily tonight. I wish I could... I might take a klonopin, in fact. I should do that in a bit. I don't want a repeat of earlier, when I was trying to nap and slowly losing my grip on reality instead. I wish I could describe the feelings... it's like I'm fighting against something that's not there, that I'm going to be gone soon if I don't do something to stop it. Gone where? Insane, of course. I can't describe it.... words just don't do the feeling justice. I just read Black House, where they use the term “slippage” and that kinda fits. Like I'm sliding between this reality and insanity, and I have to do everything I can to make sure I come out on the right side. I really hope this stops soon. I don't know what I'm going to have to do to stop it... I'm back on my pills and they should be kicking in by now.
Mood today was bad. I was tired all day and although I made it to the gym, that's all I managed to do today. Since I was feeling like I was going to puke, Geo made spaghetti for dinner and ate alone. He was watching a scary movie with dinner, anyway, and I'm trying to avoid those. I don't know why but they make the feeling of slippage worse. I think it's the whole alternate reality thing, where things are horrible. I don't need to watch a movie to feel that way, I've got it in my mind already. I'm trying to stay in this reality, thank you very much. I think reading or getting too into something right now is not a good idea. I get really into books, so that's why I have a problem with reading. I might get lost in a book and never come back. That almost happened with Black House, and I'm still not free from it's grip. I find myself going back to the word “misherfun” which is what one of the characters calls the serial killer in the book, the Fisherman. He just says it once, but it's been in my head like a plague. I hope I can get it back out soon. I'm tired of it.
Food today was okay... I made my calorie range, like I said above, but it was a hard fought battle. I only ate 2 meals.... a mini bagel with strawberry cream cheese; and the pot pie. That horrible pot pie. I swear, I will never buy them again, and if I do, I will let Geo eat them. I don't know how I ate them before... they have so many calories and stuff anyway, I'm better off without them. Stress today again was high (losing your mind does that to you) and sleep last night was bad. I hope for my sake I can sleep well tonight and start regaining my sanity.
I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow, but I have to. I didn't go in today but I could have. I was just tired. I slept like crap last night, waking up every couple hours and not getting the deep sleep my body needs. I spent most of the day trying to nap, and the rest of it trying not to barf. I had one of the Marie Calendar pot pies for lunch, and it was too much. I don't know if my body did a mental calorie count, but I almost puked a couple times after I was done with it. I don't know if there is food for me in the kitchen, but I don't think so. I'm not hungry, anyway. I don't know if I could eat now... it's almost 9pm and my stomach has settled for the most part, but I'm still burping pot pie. I was just trying to get above 1,200 calories for the day. I'm not sure how many are in the pot pie... I though the box said one box was a serving, but Spark People counts it as 2. If it's 2 servings, then I made it well over 1,200 calories and I'm in range. But if it's only 1, then I'm way low on my calories again (930). I'm just going to count it as 2, since that's what Spark People says.
I can't stay on topic. I'm just tired, but I don't think I will be able to fall asleep easily tonight. I wish I could... I might take a klonopin, in fact. I should do that in a bit. I don't want a repeat of earlier, when I was trying to nap and slowly losing my grip on reality instead. I wish I could describe the feelings... it's like I'm fighting against something that's not there, that I'm going to be gone soon if I don't do something to stop it. Gone where? Insane, of course. I can't describe it.... words just don't do the feeling justice. I just read Black House, where they use the term “slippage” and that kinda fits. Like I'm sliding between this reality and insanity, and I have to do everything I can to make sure I come out on the right side. I really hope this stops soon. I don't know what I'm going to have to do to stop it... I'm back on my pills and they should be kicking in by now.
Mood today was bad. I was tired all day and although I made it to the gym, that's all I managed to do today. Since I was feeling like I was going to puke, Geo made spaghetti for dinner and ate alone. He was watching a scary movie with dinner, anyway, and I'm trying to avoid those. I don't know why but they make the feeling of slippage worse. I think it's the whole alternate reality thing, where things are horrible. I don't need to watch a movie to feel that way, I've got it in my mind already. I'm trying to stay in this reality, thank you very much. I think reading or getting too into something right now is not a good idea. I get really into books, so that's why I have a problem with reading. I might get lost in a book and never come back. That almost happened with Black House, and I'm still not free from it's grip. I find myself going back to the word “misherfun” which is what one of the characters calls the serial killer in the book, the Fisherman. He just says it once, but it's been in my head like a plague. I hope I can get it back out soon. I'm tired of it.
Food today was okay... I made my calorie range, like I said above, but it was a hard fought battle. I only ate 2 meals.... a mini bagel with strawberry cream cheese; and the pot pie. That horrible pot pie. I swear, I will never buy them again, and if I do, I will let Geo eat them. I don't know how I ate them before... they have so many calories and stuff anyway, I'm better off without them. Stress today again was high (losing your mind does that to you) and sleep last night was bad. I hope for my sake I can sleep well tonight and start regaining my sanity.
Replies
larissa, i am so sorry you are still suffering so much. have you tried contacting your doctor to see if all this is normal.i feel so bad for you. great job on not throwong up the pot pie, it is so hard not to and you fought hard to keep it in. i dont think you have to much to worry about in the calories, you will get back to your normal once your body is better, dont beat on yourself. i cant imagine what it must be like to feel your going insane, but i agree, stay away from scary movies. hugsss
Sending wishes for you to get your meds regulated. I echo Ann in saying you might do better with the guidence of your doctor.
I love the Marie Callendar pot pies but like you said - too many calories! So they only get served occasionally here.
I hope it doesn\'t take much longer for your meds to be in order and doing what they are supposed to be doing. I hate nightmares, they stay with you all day and haunt you even though you know it was just a dream. I hope those go away. Sorry the pot pie gave you so much trouble.
I love to read and it makes me sad that you can\'t because it draws you in too much. Maybe read something funny or a biography about somebody you admire. Skip the fiction for a while.