totally honest

lately I have felt like there's a struggle between the way I can feel when I am optimistic and full of promise and then the way things as they really are. I don't strive for things, I get distracted- I hang out in my room and don't get anything done.
I feel like life is telling me again and again that 'you're sick mark' accept these things about yourself - you're not going anywhere or gonna do anything so figure out a life for yourself within these parameters. It's tough it sucks I don't know what to do.
My impulse is to fight to the hilt. So I need to negotiate it all, and determine a life for  myself as the rules are being dictated to me.
 
I am terribly lonely and want more out of my life - but again, I need to see the writing on the walls and go for what I can...personally create. I'll keep standing for something though. It's just as it is right now.
 
I don't know if that makes any sense. It's a vent.