Tornado Season
I am a mess. Still not sleeping well, doc changed nighttime sleep med from trazodone to ambien. I was little leery of the ambien, have heard stories, lol. But anyway, I waited till last night to try the ambien, cuz didnt know if would leave me groggy, so didn't want to try it on school night. Needn't have worried, awake at 4 am as usual :(
I've got dark circles under my eyes and I feel like I've aged 15 years in 4 months :(
I am on verge of tears all the time, but never more than a single tear squeezes through. I cried a lot in the beginning, but now its like the tears wont come. Idk if that is the meds, emotional exhaustion, or walls I'm putting up.
And I do feel like I've been putting up walls, pulling away from H. Sometimes I can't look him in the eye, it hurts too much.
It has been flippin triggerific around here too.
Big one I am having trouble escaping are the tornadoes. OMG it is not freakin tornado season yet, but here we are end of Feb beginning of March and lots of tornadoes already. And I truly am sorry for the families and the lives lost, but it is such a big damn trigger. Last year the massive tornado that passed through Joplin on May 22, my mom's bday btw, her first since passing away, so was rough day anyway. That was what brought H and tow together, they were both from Joplin:(
I kinda knew tornado season would be rough, I do live in tornado alley after all, but its too early damnit, I want more time. Tornado season is typically April/May to July/August.
It's on every news channel.
Tornadoes, tornadoes, tornadoes.
That's what my life feels like, like a tornado hit.
I am suddenly again being bombarded with the mental pictures of them having sex. And worse, of all the lovey dovey crap in the emails between them. And the phone calls, ugh wth did they talk about???????
I get physically ill. I hurt.
I worry. About everything. I don't know how to even put it all into words. I am just really struggling.
And I can't focus.
My fake it till you make it mask is slipping.
I've got dark circles under my eyes and I feel like I've aged 15 years in 4 months :(
I am on verge of tears all the time, but never more than a single tear squeezes through. I cried a lot in the beginning, but now its like the tears wont come. Idk if that is the meds, emotional exhaustion, or walls I'm putting up.
And I do feel like I've been putting up walls, pulling away from H. Sometimes I can't look him in the eye, it hurts too much.
It has been flippin triggerific around here too.
Big one I am having trouble escaping are the tornadoes. OMG it is not freakin tornado season yet, but here we are end of Feb beginning of March and lots of tornadoes already. And I truly am sorry for the families and the lives lost, but it is such a big damn trigger. Last year the massive tornado that passed through Joplin on May 22, my mom's bday btw, her first since passing away, so was rough day anyway. That was what brought H and tow together, they were both from Joplin:(
I kinda knew tornado season would be rough, I do live in tornado alley after all, but its too early damnit, I want more time. Tornado season is typically April/May to July/August.
It's on every news channel.
Tornadoes, tornadoes, tornadoes.
That's what my life feels like, like a tornado hit.
I am suddenly again being bombarded with the mental pictures of them having sex. And worse, of all the lovey dovey crap in the emails between them. And the phone calls, ugh wth did they talk about???????
I get physically ill. I hurt.
I worry. About everything. I don't know how to even put it all into words. I am just really struggling.
And I can't focus.
My fake it till you make it mask is slipping.
Replies
I told my closest friend and my family about it. It helps b/c I can vent to them and not have to beat my H with it all the time. We try to keep our conversations in the present and the future. I am 17 months out and the pain fades.... it really does. Remember, that was what he did, not necessarily who he is.
I agree, you need to talk to somebody, confide in somebody. We are always here for you, but we\'re not physically right next to you, and that matters. When I was going through the worst of it my mom was here (had already planned to visit and had the plane tickets in advance) and the worst night of all I stayed up for most of it and just held onto her and sobbed. I told a few of my close friends here who I knew could be discreet and not spread rumors, although I wish a couple of them didn\'t know about it now because our friendship feels kind of awkward in some ways.
I find that when I journal it is so helpful in getting out all of the thoughts swirling around my head - it\'s like if I can put them on paper they won\'t continually haunt me and have power over me - so I encourage you to keep journaling, no matter how positive, negative, or crazy your thoughts might be.
I think it is also so important to have a good cry... it is as cleansing for me as journaling, although in a different way. I can\'t necessarily cry at the drop of a hat, but once the floodgates are open it all comes rushing out. Certain music and movies get me going, and at times I\'ve watched them on purpose just to start the process. Now, I\'m not saying you should do this every night like a routine, but set aside some time when you know you\'ll be alone and do something that pushes you over the edge on an emotional level and lets the tears come. Give yourself permission to let it out and feel safe about it.
I am now in the month when the A started last year and it is chock full of birthdays, including mine. I am hoping it is not too triggeriffic but I know there is a good chance it will be. Don\'t expect too much from yourself, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and periodically look up and see where you\'re at. I know my emotions have changed a lot since this all started, and I went from feeling only hurt to now feeling the anger... I have no idea how long it will last or what will come next, but I am keeping my eye on the prize of a peaceful mind and personal strength, I will keep you in my prayers for the same!
((hugs))
Question for all of those who advocate telling someone. Has it ever backfired? I\'ve told no one either for a variety of reasons, pride, wanting to protect him, etc. But also because I don\'t want this to be my identity and because I don\'t think people would understand my decision to stay. That is, I think people who love me would be very upset with him, and I don\'t know how productive that would be.
Okay, hijack over.
KG, here\'s another thought (albeit 3:30am and potentially incoherent). I think for me there\'s a fair amount of apathy that\'s set in and that is almost more terrifying than the shock of the initial discovery. Somehow my acceptance (and ambivalence) that this may end is the saddest thing I\'ve dealt with. Let\'s you and me call this a stage and muscle through! More hugs!!
I\'m sorry about the tornado triggers, and can only imagine, how bad that has got to be. Some of us trigger on D-day, or certain holidays. This must really suck, cuz the tornadoes are unpredictable, and makes the triggers unpredictable, too.
And I\'m particularly sorry that now it has forced that visualizing all that crap, as well as those \"fricken love letters\". It does suck, indeed, and well.... I\'m exhausted now, even to think. My insomnia left me working a jigsaw puzzle from 9 pm to 9 am, this morning! I should have checked the computer, we could have chatted. But you know I\'m not a big fan of chat, but we could have talked on the phone, where you have no \"ears\" around! lol
Anyways, sweetie, after working 4 hours with kids, I have a migraine, so after some Tylenol, I\'ll try to come back and read some of these responses, which I usually do. This time I couldn\'t. I\'m gonna grab something to eat, first time all day, and see about coming back.
Methinks, tonight I will sleep like a baby, after being sleep deprived, and my back aches like hell due to 12 hours of bending over! Silly me, but does beat the insomnia, and I\'d recommend it, for anyone who wants to overcome triggers, lol, for one day anyways! lol
Love ya girl! Peace!
i have many friends i have told but here at ds seems to be the besst place. i understand where you are coming from as far as pulling away. ive been doing that too lately. I begin to raise my expectations and then watch and feel hurt over every little thing he does. it is annoying. he is getting to lax in the trying department but i am getting too sensative too.
not sure what you can do to make things better but i do think you need to find a way to help with the anxiety during the day. maybe ask your husband to have a 10 min talk before bedtime to help settle your triggers and get some emotioinal comfort. also have you tried melatonin (liquid form) or unisom? both work wonderufl for me and are non presecription.
prayers for sleep and peace for you here.
kgirl - I too reached a point where I knew I was sad and on the verge of crying and the tears just wouldn\'t come. It was almost like I was literally \"cried out\". I think we do reach a point where exhaustion and walls take over.
Yea, the weather has been crazy. Might talk to a counselor about those triggers and what you can do to fight them off. Are you and the H still in marriage counseling? If so, maybe bring it up then.
I hope that the meds kick in and help you sleep and relax a little and that you can keep moving forward. You have made great progress so far. Wishing the best for you!
Looked for a new journal, guess not yet! Was great to chat with you last week! Boy, we sure do cover a lot of topics, don\'t we?
Looked for another new journal, nope, not yet!