Tornado Season
I am a mess. Still not sleeping well, doc changed nighttime sleep med from trazodone to ambien. I was little leery of the ambien, have heard stories, lol. But anyway, I waited till last night to try the ambien, cuz didnt know if would leave me groggy, so didn't want to try it on school night. Needn't have worried, awake at 4 am as usual :(
I've got dark circles under my eyes and I feel like I've aged 15 years in 4 months :(
I am on verge of tears all the time, but never more than a single tear squeezes through. I cried a lot in the beginning, but now its like the tears wont come. Idk if that is the meds, emotional exhaustion, or walls I'm putting up.
And I do feel like I've been putting up walls, pulling away from H. Sometimes I can't look him in the eye, it hurts too much.
It has been flippin triggerific around here too.
Big one I am having trouble escaping are the tornadoes. OMG it is not freakin tornado season yet, but here we are end of Feb beginning of March and lots of tornadoes already. And I truly am sorry for the families and the lives lost, but it is such a big damn trigger. Last year the massive tornado that passed through Joplin on May 22, my mom's bday btw, her first since passing away, so was rough day anyway. That was what brought H and tow together, they were both from Joplin:(
I kinda knew tornado season would be rough, I do live in tornado alley after all, but its too early damnit, I want more time. Tornado season is typically April/May to July/August.
It's on every news channel.
Tornadoes, tornadoes, tornadoes.
That's what my life feels like, like a tornado hit.
I am suddenly again being bombarded with the mental pictures of them having sex. And worse, of all the lovey dovey crap in the emails between them. And the phone calls, ugh wth did they talk about???????
I get physically ill. I hurt.
I worry. About everything. I don't know how to even put it all into words. I am just really struggling.
And I can't focus.
My fake it till you make it mask is slipping.
I've got dark circles under my eyes and I feel like I've aged 15 years in 4 months :(
I am on verge of tears all the time, but never more than a single tear squeezes through. I cried a lot in the beginning, but now its like the tears wont come. Idk if that is the meds, emotional exhaustion, or walls I'm putting up.
And I do feel like I've been putting up walls, pulling away from H. Sometimes I can't look him in the eye, it hurts too much.
It has been flippin triggerific around here too.
Big one I am having trouble escaping are the tornadoes. OMG it is not freakin tornado season yet, but here we are end of Feb beginning of March and lots of tornadoes already. And I truly am sorry for the families and the lives lost, but it is such a big damn trigger. Last year the massive tornado that passed through Joplin on May 22, my mom's bday btw, her first since passing away, so was rough day anyway. That was what brought H and tow together, they were both from Joplin:(
I kinda knew tornado season would be rough, I do live in tornado alley after all, but its too early damnit, I want more time. Tornado season is typically April/May to July/August.
It's on every news channel.
Tornadoes, tornadoes, tornadoes.
That's what my life feels like, like a tornado hit.
I am suddenly again being bombarded with the mental pictures of them having sex. And worse, of all the lovey dovey crap in the emails between them. And the phone calls, ugh wth did they talk about???????
I get physically ill. I hurt.
I worry. About everything. I don't know how to even put it all into words. I am just really struggling.
And I can't focus.
My fake it till you make it mask is slipping.
Replies
\"Ensure the bar is locked in place, and keep all hands and feet inside the cart at all times.\"
Working through this stuff isn\'t easy. Seek out H\'s help here. He needs to help you. I hope he\'s man enough to do it.
Honey I am so sorry... Try the ambien, is is ok.
The thing is you could be like me - your sleep issue may be from anxiety over what happened and in my case sleep meds only knock me out fOr a few hours and then I am awake and groggy.
I figured out that I have to target my emotions vs targeting my body.
I take anxiety - reducing meds for sleep when it gets bad. I ve tried Xanax and Ativan. One pill box lasts me almost a year.
Also if you can, try eating less before bed and taking a walk right before you are ready to sleep.
I hate to say it, but it is all in our heads....
(((HUGS))). Alot on your plate right now. The tornado analogy is spot-on. You SHOULD feel this way, it\'s ok! The tornadoes will come- so what do you do? Work on your shelter. Figure out what you need, and build it. You cant do it all on your own, so ask for help, particularly from the man who so thoughtlessly opened the door & let the storm in to do so much damage.,
Meds are good, but so is crying. I\'ve been at that point, where the meds damn up the tears. Not good. You need this release so consider adjusting the dose.
Ambien: i get mybe 3-4 hrs sleep on it. But, i can also fall asleep quickly on
1/3 dose (about 3.5 mg). If i wake up inthe wee hours I cantake another third to get a few more z\'s. It can take some adjustment at first but once yougrt used to it, it doesnt really affect your waking hours. And having the lower dose in your system is definitely a plus when you do hear all those stories about ambien zombies walking the streets at night. LOL
I dont like to use it more than 2 nights in a row if possible though.
I hope your counselor can help you with the intrusive thoughts. Time alone can help but you do need skills to minimize their impact when they occur. Think of your shelter. When you sense another storm coming, take yourself there, assess that you have all you need to get thru it nearby, and slam the door. You know this storm- been there, done that- it\'s in the past. It can come back & do more damage if you dont open the door.
Sure its easier said than done, but it can be done. You just have to resolve not to let the past intrude on the present & take back your life. I promise, it will get easier.
Stay safe!
Cross
...it \'can\'t\' come back & do more damage
Sorry for all the iphone typos
I still have trouble focusing, too.... Trouble sleeping.... Do you have someone to talk to? Besides H?
we are going to mc, but no, I have told noone else IRL . Kinda sucks.
kansas, you have us. You are not alone! Try to remember that the lovey dovey crap was part of the drugs...the high. He didn\'t mean any of it. The more he spewed that crap, the more he got back. That\'s all that was! You have to reframe your thoughts. Challenge the negative ones. Repeat positive mantras in your head. The battle truly is in the mind. I also agree with Cole, your H needs to help you. You are a team! Sending you hugs and support.
I agree with Z. Plus I think being tired and not sleeping well is just compounding the sadness surrounding you. Your H is with you, lean on him and let him try and help you and I\'m saying try because he\'s going to do something right and other things where your going to think GTF away from me. Try to stay in the moment and I couldn\'t then either but now 2 years out it does amaze me how much more I am and don\'t even realize it. Being there for you and helping you through this is your H\'s responsibility and he needs to feel what your going through, otherwise how is he ever to really know the damage that was done. And, more importantly how are you as a couple to know/share in the progress that you have made. That progress will be the basis of new memories and a stronger core which is needed to move forward.
REPEAT - YOU HAVE US, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
KS, I\'m sorry your going through this.
KG - my heart goes out to you. May I make another suggestion? In my IC appointment on Friday, my therapist had shared with my that she felt my turning point in all this is when I went to a group therapy session. We (you and I) have\'t told many people in our families and friends. Being able to go to this group session allowed me to tell my story to a group of women that had faces and imput. I ended up going to 3 meetings and that was enough for me. It felt like a ton of weight had been lifted form me.
Lean on your H, lean on your friends here on DS - you are not alone!
Love you KG!
I am so sorry you are struggling Kansas. I felt really sad when I read that you sometimes cannot look into his eyes because it hurts too much. I don\'t know why but I felt that. I agree with Destined. It is time to share this load with some sympathetic listeners. I have told very few people about my ex\'s appalling behaviour but when I have really needed to, I did. Big kiss to you.
I\'d like to add that after over a year of keeping H\'s actions to myself & honoring his desire to not tell the friends who could offer the most help & support, I found myself stuck on a recurring, empty place & feeling I\'d enabled him to continue \'gleaming\' in their eyes while myself feeling thrown under the bus.
That all changed a couple of weeks ago when the shit hit the fan & I called this counselor friend, B, forhelp. She flew down here, supported me, held H accountable & he had no option but to come completely clean with his best friend, (B\'s husband), who also held him accountable.
B confirmed for me how important having a couple of close friends is to let it all out. A counselot once a week isnt enough, neither is DS, neither are meds.
B was amazed at the depth if what I\'d been dealing with on my own & said quite honestly she doesnt know how I did it. Looking back, neither do I . All I know is that regardlesz hoe strong you are, this takes sn incredible toll & you MUST unburden yourself with a trusted friend or family member- someone with a personal interest in you. Do Not sacrifice your well being to protect H. You have us here on DS & its a great asset, but ultimately you need more.
H needs to understand this. True remorse also means accountability.
I really wish I had a do-over & had gone with my gut rathet than withholding it so long. But what\'s done is done & I hope others can learn from it.
Actually funny H said whoever I felt I needed to tell he was ok with it, but I havent felt comfortable telling it.
I know what u mean. H had also said he\'d inderstand if i told people but HE didnt want to do it. It was a step-up moment that I felt would gauge if he was really willing to do \'anything he could to help\', & he stepped down instead. I chose to finally do this for me, because the effort i\'d made (ie silence) for him, to preserve his image, had only wound up backfiring.
I so understand how mortifyingit is to be BS, but true friends care about what happens next & want to help. Pride can get in the way of healing big-time.
You have a lot to think on- just do what you feel us best for YOU - thats the most important tjing.
Kansas... I was in the same situation, not telling anyone. I finally started telling friends that we were having severe marital problem. Just that helped! I needed hugs from close friends. I told them that we were going to MC and trying to save our marriage so I wouldn\'t share details, but I needed their prayers and support. It has made a huge difference to me! I now have several friends who send me \"how are you doing?\" texts and give me extra friendship. My SIL found out (MIL told her) I didn\'t want her to know, but it actually has been a blessing to be able to talk to her. I also found a local BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) support group that meets once a month. It was amazing to sit in a room with others that are struggling with the same thing. There was no pity, just support. We all cried some, shared pain and I went home happier to have shared this and realize I am not alone in this horror. Triggers suck though. Sending lots of hugs and support.
Hugs, kg. We are in the EXACT SAME SITUATION!! I\'m so sorry for your pain. I\'ll keep you in my prayers.