Topsy-Turvy

What a strange new life...gratitude, grief, love, sadness, pride, guilt...every emotion and it's equal and opposite emotion overtakes me several times a day. It might sound really sad to those who are not on this journey, those not belonging to the "sisterhood", but let me assure you, those positive emotions are precious gifts...the negative emotions??? Well, they are precious gifts too, because they are the results of losing my child, after HAVING my child. She was awesome...there is no amount of pain that would even slightly lead me to regret having her. That would be impossible...so even during the depths of despair, I realize, for 22 1/2 years I had a really great kid...one of a kind. There never was, will never again be, another Cassi. For those who never knew her, or who knew her but not well, I feel sorry for. No one could make you laugh harder, cry harder or think deeper. It's such a shame the world is now deprived of her but I will never let anyone forget about her. I will never stop talking about her. I will never stop sharing stories about her. You might hear the same ones over and over again. It is healing for me and a blessing for you. Cassi Leann Churchwell was a very important person and a powerful force.
Love my job, love my teammates, my "crew"...the days I get overwhelmed and discouraged happen because I take on too much sometimes, want to help more people in a day than is possible. There is never enough time, money, resources...however, there is always enough love. I never run out, the well never runs dry. The more love I give the more love I have to give...it's a lesson older than time but it took a tragedy to make it real for me.
Even after everything...I believe life is good, people are good...even I am good. I get sad a lot, have some days I fall into the emotional well of despair but I linger as long as I feel is necessary, then climb back out...look around...see the light in everyone I meet. It makes me feel like I am going to be okay. I have to remember, though, that the dark, scary times will come. This is NOT a linear journey that we are on. I think about Rhonda Sellers Elkins...On 4-11-13 she lost one of her daughters to suicide. To help cope, she began writing a blog, just like I did. Hers became very successful and she even published a book, "My Bright and Shining Star". Things seemed to be going so well for Rhonda, she was even thinking about returning to work, she was a R.N. She posted a blog on August 26, 2014...seemingly in good spirits, very happy with the sales of her book. Three days later, August 29, 2014, she took her own life. It can sneak up on you, the horror...when your child had died, especially by their own hand. For me, I believe that being aware, being open with my feelings and emotions and refusing to put on a happy face when I am not feeling it is the best way to cope...that's for me, I would never presume to tell another mother how to grieve.
I didn't choose this, at least not consciously in this life...and as I said, there are times I am overcome with despair. When it happens, no matter where I am or who I am with, I let the despair wash over me and through me...I cry...I suffer. At some point, I come out of it, I feel better. This is how it happens and how I hope it continues will happen. I believe my sanity and even my life has been saved because of my ability to express my emotions, my fearlessness in showing my vulnerability...in embracing the pain and sitting with it as long as necessary. So far, once it has been given it's time it begins to ease off...I wear my heart on my sleeve...I am very sensitive and very emotional....and that's okay...just one aspect of who I am, the essence to what makes me, me. I love me.