too small of a space to update with hugs so i think ill start journaling here again :)

Those on my friends list whove been here for a few years know some about me but there has been so much in life thats happened and changed, some better some worse, but it is quite the journey.

I am going to start pretty close to the beginning so i can just get everything out and leave no confusion.

I was diagnosed Bipolar type 2 in 2010 at the age of 18 years old. i had known something was up, as early as 13 years old maybe even a couple years prior but i never understood it. i knew what depression felt like but i didnt understand why at times there was these "highs" that i felt. so when i was diagnosed at 18 years old i was relieved. it finally made sense. Then i started with meds, struggling to find the right cocktail. In 2012 i self admitted myself to the hospital in the city i was living in. I stayed there three weeks, it was the best thing i had done for myself at the time. I however, did not like the psych doc that was dealing with me. a month after i was out of the hospital i moved to another city, left the guy i was with for a guy that i had been friends with for a long time but realized i really liked more then a friend. i went to stay with my sister, and me and this other guy got together (hes now my fiance). we got our own place November 2012. i stopped my meds july 2012 as i moved to another city and didnt like the doctor i had so i stopped cold turkeky. and i managed for a while. i mean things were hard but i more or less managaed. i got a job babysitting for a family of 5 girls, and for a while i also worked another part time job around the babysitting hours. looking back now i have no idea how i managed that haha. i babysat for this family up until 2014 and occasionally still do but much less often. like once or twice a year. but were good friends now.

in 2013 my fiance (we werent engaged than) decided to try for a baby. since i was already off my meds i didnt have that worry there. we did get pregnant and found out in may 2013. we were due januay 11th 2014. as the pregnancy progressed things were going well. mentally i was absolutley amazing. it was incredible actually. we found out later on that we were having a daughter. we were both so excited. january 11th came and passed and she was being stubborn. she arrived 6 days late on january 17th 2014 at 8:26pm after over 24 hours of labor. we welcomed a healthy 8lbs 22inches long baby into the world and we named her Kassandra. Kassandra Raelynn. I chose not to breastfeed less then 24 hours after giving birth to her due to my own personal feelings of dreading feeding because it hurt. so i made the choice that formula was better for our daughter because it was better for my mental health. 

2015 june i finally admitted to my doctor that i needed help with my mental stuff. i had been struggling, a couple months after giving birth to my daughter but i didnt go in because i was affraid they would think i was weak. i was affraid they would think i wasnt capable of caring for my daughter and then try to take her. i was wrong. they did not think i was weak and they did not feel i was uncapable of caring for her. so i started counseling, and i started new meds...... fast forward to today.... its been one hell of a year. struggling to find the right meds with little to no luck. its been hell. and hard. and my mental health has caused so much strain in my relationship and family in general. July 2016 i saw another psych doc for another eval as my doc thought there might be something else there. turns out along with my social anxiety and bipolar type 2, there is also generalized anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder traits. suddenly it ALL made sense. i was reffered to CBT classes which i started last week and so far so good. i finally agreed to add lithium to the mix of drugs i am taking, about a month ago and it has done wonders. my relationship isnt straining any more, things are going well. im functioning and content. something i have never felt before...content.

july 2016 my partner and i made our engagement official. though we had bought the ring earlier in june as it was a good sale and the ring i wanted. so i was already aware of it. we dont have a set date or any plans or even any savings so no rush there. but i wear my ring proudly every day and every night.

my daughter is 2.5 years old, well shell be 3 in january, and she has grown into an amazing, outstanding, smart, beautifful strong willed girl. she is developmentally advanced. she has been speaking full sentences since she was 18 months old, which is impressive in its own because an 18 month old usually knows about 50 words. she is 2.5 and knows her colors, shapes, ABCs, she can point out every letter to you and tell you what it is, in random order. she can count to 13 unassisted and like 50 assisted. she is just outstandingly smart. and then to throw physical aspects in there.. she is fast, speedy, strong. she can hang off a monkey bar without anyone holding her for at least 10-20 seconds. its rather scary but also impressive. she can climb ladders without help though i am right there incase she needs a hand. she is just so amazing.

But she has spent pretty much her whole life sick, coughing, common cold, wheezing, etc. she catches every cold there is out there (shes also in daycare since she was a 9 month old baby). She has never needed emergency medical attention thankfully, and weve never had to take her into the emergency room. so we have been lucky. but she has spent pretty much 2.5 years coughing constantly, every night, all night. In may this year my doctor suggested possible asthma but they cant diagnose till shes at least 6 and maybe not even until she is 8, because the test it requires is not accurate in young children. So he did give us inhalers for her to take. an emergency breather one for immediete relief, and a preventative inhaler. and we start them up as soon as she gets sick. shes just getting over another cold thats kicked her ass, but thanks to the inhalers shes not spending every night all night coughing. this kid will cough and cough and cough until she pukes. its sad. and the wheezing. thats another story. but shes doing alright and it doesnt slow her down in the slightest.

ok i think thats all i had for updates, oh i had my second CBT class today, and last week i had met a girl whose 18, so we became friends instatnly. and we sat beside each other today and exchanged phone numbers, etc.its nice to have a friend who knows what your going through because they are going through it too. though she is 6 years younger then me, that is ok.

Ok all done for the night, i got to go take my pills and feed my cats. one of those cats will be my million dollar kitty. found out he was sick in Feb of this year, chronic renal failure. so hes on expensive meds and expensive good but hes only 6 years old. hes my baby so i gotta try. hes doing well it seems anyways.

Night all.