Too scared to move forward
It's official now if it wasn't already: Emotionally speaking, I'm effectively paralyzed.
A short week next week with the US Memorial Day holiday gifted me a Saturday morning session at work, and I may as well have not been there. I felt bugged the entire time and my performance showed it. It's just been a really bad week for focusing, I'm just too scared about taking any steps from here.
I'm still looking for some reason to drop equating people with monsters, but if I ever do get a paralegal interview I'm not going to be able to avoid telling it like it is, and nobody is going to want me considering that I can't see somebody new without automatically thinking, "You're going to hurt me, aren't you?"
I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Maybe I can't deal with this. I've had two and a half years (the time I spent at community college) to try to make inroads with this but it only seems to have gotten worse.
It's almost as if I have to be shown proof by someone that they don't want my head. But the one video chat I've had at Skype has done nothing towards that end because I haven't been able to repeat the feat since, I'm just so scared. And I think that's a good three months since I somehow managed to do one to boot.
Small wonder, then, that all my attempts to either redo my resume, or do a CE for my pharmacy tech recertification (which I need to get cracking on), or anything else has been lost this week to a wild spree of panic-induced tangents, which just brings me to tears.
A short week next week with the US Memorial Day holiday gifted me a Saturday morning session at work, and I may as well have not been there. I felt bugged the entire time and my performance showed it. It's just been a really bad week for focusing, I'm just too scared about taking any steps from here.
I'm still looking for some reason to drop equating people with monsters, but if I ever do get a paralegal interview I'm not going to be able to avoid telling it like it is, and nobody is going to want me considering that I can't see somebody new without automatically thinking, "You're going to hurt me, aren't you?"
I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Maybe I can't deal with this. I've had two and a half years (the time I spent at community college) to try to make inroads with this but it only seems to have gotten worse.
It's almost as if I have to be shown proof by someone that they don't want my head. But the one video chat I've had at Skype has done nothing towards that end because I haven't been able to repeat the feat since, I'm just so scared. And I think that's a good three months since I somehow managed to do one to boot.
Small wonder, then, that all my attempts to either redo my resume, or do a CE for my pharmacy tech recertification (which I need to get cracking on), or anything else has been lost this week to a wild spree of panic-induced tangents, which just brings me to tears.
Replies
I can understand being too scared to take any steps. Panic can be very paralyzing. Do you feel panic over starting a new job and leaving your current one?
I think it is awesome and amazing that you worked your way through college while working at the same time. You have finished your program, but that doesn\'t necessarily mean at this time you have to do anything.
How is your pharmacy technician job? I used to work in a drug store for 10 years. I was offered to learn pharmacy technician and turned it down, boy I regret that now for me. Some of my friends are working in hospitals making twice the money.
I\'m sorry your panic has you in tears, but I do understand being a fellow anxiety/panic sufferer.
That possibility does scare me. And honestly, while in a dream scenario I\'d actually like to have two part-time jobs, the notion of staying current in two professions is a scary proposition as well. I think I may have mentioned in a previous entry that a basic core competency exam is available for paralegal and taking it is certainly not out of the question, but that possibility just seems to be...clouding the waters.
Even on the nights when my sleep med does work it\'s things like this -- I don\'t take uncertainty well -- that wakes me up in the middle of the night. It\'s very little wonder that my head is a mess right now.