too much writing today

I wonder if I am guilty of falling into the status trap

when it comes to evaluating my life and my achievements.

I find myself aware of the fact that I am fulfilling my needs by

going for certain things in my free time - some of those impulses

seem to be at opposition to what is good for me and to what is effective

towards achieving that end. So I am waking up to what is good, what works

and what doesn't.

I've said this a couple of times but I find myself happy with the life

I have here right now. Part of me doesn't know what to do with this reality.

How do I think about it -? - how do I measure it?? quantify it?

How do I keep sure or ensured that I am doing enough? That I am safe?

Why do I feel that my life can't be comfortable - it must be harder?

I think I feel like it is at this point that I am falling kind of into a status

trap. Being comfortable in life is the goal - I can be smart about this kind

of tendency of mine to feel it should be harder - I can measure my efforts

in terms of their financial prudence. I don't have it all figured out

but I do want to be sure I am taking care of myself - perhaps both in terms

of practicality - and emotional well being. Perhaps there's the idea of

letting go and letting god. Of just trusting the process....

and as my Dad said to me the other night 'it's ok to just get comfortable

and enjoy some relaxation at times.' So maybe that's just something to think

about - trusting the process - trusting in god - and trusting that it's totally legit

and good to have a relaxful time. (I love that word relaxful - i don't think it's real but

my Dad and I have used it for some reason.)