too much

im tired. i dont know anymore. i just broke down sobbing, and then i vented frustration and anger at my family. for things that werent even their fault reallly. all i know is that the sun will be down in a while and i dont know if the strength to face another long night is there. i am not going to do anything stupid, i just feel like i am going slowly crazy. the nights are the worst always have been always will be. none of the things i usually do on my list is working, i dont feel strong and i dont feel.....i feel fragile, i dont want to have to be a rock i dont want to have to do anything. i dont want to be the parent all the time i dont want to be the one that is responsible i dont want to have to deal with or make any decisions, i just want to feel safe and i dont anymore. i dont feel safe and i dont feel happy and i dont feel like a warrior. i feel weak and feebl and humiliated and i want it to go away and i want to be sure of myself and i want to be....i just want to be. why does it have to be so hard why does it have to be this way why is it that i put myself in that situation and why did i stay for so long and why did i love him and marry him and what is gods plan for me i want to know im angry that i had to go through that and i am angry that for some reason i was put on this earth and kept here and i havent a clue. i dont want to know that i willl feel this way in 50 years. i dont want to im just so tired i dont want to be taken care of but i dont want to have to decide anything. i dont want to have to make the choice to eat or what to eat i dont want to even have to make the choice on whether to lay down or stand up and fight. i dont want to freeze i dont want to fight and i dont want to lay down and dissappear. i dont wanna do any of the above and i dont wanna i dont want to be brave or scared or anything. i want to be able to live my life without the reminders the triggers the nightmares the sadness the anger i want to be me. the me i was once the me that was confident and not full of problems the me that was becoming less shy the me that i would have been without meeting him. i want to be the one that is so sure of herself. i dont want to be the one that is sitting here bawling over some lame thing. why is it so hard. cant there be a time out called. cant there be a do over where i end up with the same wonderful children and the same wonderful family just without him having ever been a part of it