Too much

Lately everything feels like it's too much. I thought that if I could get to my due date and get through I would feel a little better. That I would feel a little healed. Now it's only a few days away and I am realizing how silly and stupid it was to think that. How naive it was to hope that there would be an end to this somewhere. I now find myself thinking about what it would have been like to come home from the hospital, to hold her for the first time, all the milestones come flooding at once. Then I think "how will I get through a lifetime of this?"
The reminders that I am still not pregnant or even TTC seem to be everywhere. I feel like a broken record every time I ask why it isn't my turn. I feel so horrible for the envy and jealousy that I have. It's not right to feel this way, but it's hard to hold the feelings back. I even find it hard to come here sometimes now (please don't hate me for saying this) I feel like I don't belong in any of these groups anymore. There are times when I feel so healed from my mc and others when it's utterly present. The TTC group feels too hopeful right now, when it's hard to know when my chance will come again.
I feel like I am slowly losing myself again. I don't want to feel this way anymore.