Too much
Lately everything feels like it's too much. I thought that if I could get to my due date and get through I would feel a little better. That I would feel a little healed. Now it's only a few days away and I am realizing how silly and stupid it was to think that. How naive it was to hope that there would be an end to this somewhere. I now find myself thinking about what it would have been like to come home from the hospital, to hold her for the first time, all the milestones come flooding at once. Then I think "how will I get through a lifetime of this?"
The reminders that I am still not pregnant or even TTC seem to be everywhere. I feel like a broken record every time I ask why it isn't my turn. I feel so horrible for the envy and jealousy that I have. It's not right to feel this way, but it's hard to hold the feelings back. I even find it hard to come here sometimes now (please don't hate me for saying this) I feel like I don't belong in any of these groups anymore. There are times when I feel so healed from my mc and others when it's utterly present. The TTC group feels too hopeful right now, when it's hard to know when my chance will come again.
I feel like I am slowly losing myself again. I don't want to feel this way anymore.
The reminders that I am still not pregnant or even TTC seem to be everywhere. I feel like a broken record every time I ask why it isn't my turn. I feel so horrible for the envy and jealousy that I have. It's not right to feel this way, but it's hard to hold the feelings back. I even find it hard to come here sometimes now (please don't hate me for saying this) I feel like I don't belong in any of these groups anymore. There are times when I feel so healed from my mc and others when it's utterly present. The TTC group feels too hopeful right now, when it's hard to know when my chance will come again.
I feel like I am slowly losing myself again. I don't want to feel this way anymore.
Replies
I\'m so sorry you\'re feeling so terrible, hon. You have every right to feel envious or jealous, and you shouldn\'t have to make excuses for yhow you feel. There WILL be better days ahead....and it will be your turn soon. I know every day seems like an eternity....but you do have time on your side.:) And one day when you have your healthy little one at home with you, all of these down days will seem like a distant memory. Maybe try to focus on the NOW and what\'s here, present, instead of what happened before and what you want to happen. Hard, I know....but I\'ve found that the \"what could have been\'s\" and the \"what if\'s\" would kill me if I let them go on too long. Much love to you...sending you bigs hugs, M
I agree with Meagan Love. The whatif\'s?? They literally drive me to tears every second I think of them. You are loved.
We\'ve all been there. It\'s been over two years since my stillbirth and more than a year since the mc. I\'m not TTC either but it\'s still difficult because there are reminders everywhere. You\'re not alone in this.
Thanks so much to all of you strong women! It\'s nice to feel like there is someone there to \"pick me up\" on these days when I have no strength. I know that somewhow the days will pass and I will somehow make it through. It\'s just so very hard to try and make it through each day sometimes. Again thanks so much for your support, it is so needed sometimes!