Too much
Lately everything feels like it's too much. I thought that if I could get to my due date and get through I would feel a little better. That I would feel a little healed. Now it's only a few days away and I am realizing how silly and stupid it was to think that. How naive it was to hope that there would be an end to this somewhere. I now find myself thinking about what it would have been like to come home from the hospital, to hold her for the first time, all the milestones come flooding at once. Then I think "how will I get through a lifetime of this?"
The reminders that I am still not pregnant or even TTC seem to be everywhere. I feel like a broken record every time I ask why it isn't my turn. I feel so horrible for the envy and jealousy that I have. It's not right to feel this way, but it's hard to hold the feelings back. I even find it hard to come here sometimes now (please don't hate me for saying this) I feel like I don't belong in any of these groups anymore. There are times when I feel so healed from my mc and others when it's utterly present. The TTC group feels too hopeful right now, when it's hard to know when my chance will come again.
I feel like I am slowly losing myself again. I don't want to feel this way anymore.
The reminders that I am still not pregnant or even TTC seem to be everywhere. I feel like a broken record every time I ask why it isn't my turn. I feel so horrible for the envy and jealousy that I have. It's not right to feel this way, but it's hard to hold the feelings back. I even find it hard to come here sometimes now (please don't hate me for saying this) I feel like I don't belong in any of these groups anymore. There are times when I feel so healed from my mc and others when it's utterly present. The TTC group feels too hopeful right now, when it's hard to know when my chance will come again.
I feel like I am slowly losing myself again. I don't want to feel this way anymore.
Replies
hey sweetie, this is the roughest time you\'ll face through this journey ... beyond those first few weeks. It is impossible not to count what\'s lost at this point, to imagine those moments and milestones and feel as cheated and as despairing as you are. It\'s not naive at all to count the good days and hope the bleakest are behind you, that\'s how we survive. This date, and no doubt other key ones too will leave you feeling upset and the loss will return, but nothing will ever feel as raw as the date you should have held your daughter - even ours bodies are programmed to feel this way. These feeling will return at times, but I promise you, it wont always be this tough to handle. There are times when the loss of my \'older\' babies still creeps up on me, but it\'s a sadness not a despair, and I am certain that as your family grows, these feelings will be more manageable. For now, be kind to yourself. Remember how those early days of grief felt so overwhelming, but you coped. You will too with this grief. If it helps to mark her birthday in some way, then do that. If curling up in a ball on that sofa is all that helps, then that\'s fine too. Just remember, we\'re here with you and this will pass. It doesn\'t matter which group you belong to (and nobody will hate you for saying you\'re not sure where you belong - I think that applies to a lot of us), the most important thing is you DO belong with this amazing group of women who get you and care about you. Whether you dip in and out, visit forums or just maintain your journal when you need to - those of us who care so much about you will always be here when you need us. Lots of Love and virtual chocolate covered french fries coming your way xxxxx
Thank you so very much for your response (and for all of your responses). Your words are so true and mean so much to me. I cried when I read what you had written because I know that it comes from a place so similar to my own. I truly appreciate your words and know that I will some how or another make it through. Thank you for always listening and taking the time to respond. Knowing that someone truly understands means so much to me.
Yeah, I cried reading Abi\'s response as well as your post. I\'m so frightened for this day.