too much

did you ever feel the trauma is so much that your brain cant even comprehend it, absorb it, didnt know WHAT to do with it?! part of what i didnt tell you all about my dad's leaving, is that my mom claimed some monies he owed to her from over the years for maintenance.  now both my mom and my dad are dignified, intelligent, decent people, who have always maintained a very good relationship. my dad had told her about a year ago to get "stuff sorted out before he leaves", so she went to a lawyer to help.well, my step mom nearly went off her head, in the last week before they left nothing had transpired so my mom persued the issue, and the step mom went bollistic. to the point that she wanted back gifts they had given to ME!! they could shove their gifts, it wasnt about that, it was just very humiliating and hurtful.the last week they wouldnt come to my house, they didnt see the kids, nothing. we went to say goodbye the night before they left. it was very strained. my dad is quite far in his illnesses, he pretends he's not, but i can see he is. she wrote an email to my sisters and me, telling us what a terrible thing it was that happened to them before they left and it was the worst week she'd had with my dad in 24 years, and he was very distressed..... HELLOOOOO - my child is dead. yes! DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!!!   #$%$^&*!  my other 3 children are CRYING and traumatised, their sister died in April 2008, their father went to live far away in December 2008, and now their "pa" (grandpa) has left.  %^*&!  what about USSSS!!!i have lost my child, my other children are suffering, i am sick (thats another story), and my dad is GONE!!! and she had the worst week in 24 years because she had to pay out some MONEY!!!  boo hoo, oh shame.  she wrote to us about "her story".  she has even asked me ONCE, NOT ONCE, how i feel about my dad leaving the country to go live with HER family, WITH HER kids.  she has not asked how I AM DOING, how MY KIDS ARE DOING!! and we arent doing okay! not by a long shot!  i have been very ill, i dont even want to go too much into it. i guess suffice it to say for now, that there is damage to the hypothalamus and pituatary, which is not producing the hormones it should be. the question is, is there a tumor. and also, full replacement risks cancer.but in the meantime i can barely function, sleeping chronically. i am tired, i am hurting, i am sad. i am missing jessy very very sorely. her FIRST angel day is coming up, on 24th April.  i want to scream and scream and scream out to the world, "MY CHILD IS DEAD AND I CAN'T BEAR IT !!"   have i regressed to the beginning phases of grief? i dont know what is going on. all i do know is that my heart and brain are FULL FULL FULL.  of pain for jessy, missing and longing for her;  for khaely and her bipolar and being called upon 24/7 for her needs;  and jarod, 9 yrs old, ADHD, who is a sad little boy, traumatised and doing all that i humanly can to be there for him and encourage him with his school and karate. and 5 year old tali, who suffers severe exceman, which no doctor can help anymore. they say she cant have anymore cortisone. and i am aching all over, and my emotions are explosive, and i DO cry. and my dad and all this crap, i just dont know how to incorporate it into my thoughts and brain and heart. for now its just giving me anger and anxiety attacks all the time, and seeping into my dreams every night. HELP!!love jan