Tomorrow I would have been 6 months. . .
Everday I wonder how much longer I can do this. It is so hard to explain to anyone sometimes. . . the way that I feel. I connect my loss so much with the loss of my job, and it makes everything more difficult. I had never really dealt with my loss until then, I had buried the feelings deep.
On the day that it happened, I remember very little of what anyone said to me. I hear bits and pieces of the Dr's empty word echoing in my memory. I remember only the things that bring no comfort, the words that no one should hear. He said that most women are fine after a miscarriage, but that some become emotionally scarred and are never the same. The way he said it made these women seem damaged, abnormal, unsaveable, crazy. My poor DH who was also going through a new and horrific experience, thought that these words would help me in some way (really?) and in those first few dark days he repeated them as if to comfort me. I know that he meant well, and that he didn't know what to say, but I really believe that these words are what caused me to bury my loss, my pain, what caused me to try and forget that anything happened. I did not want to become one of "those women." I didn't want to think that there would be no hope for me. I was afraid of letting my husband down, of losing myself, and becoming "scarred."
I pushed the feelings deep down, it was easy to do at the time. There were many other things to be occupied with. The holidays were coming and it was easy to lose myself in the preparations. Looking back I see the moments where I was hurting most. . . the screaming fight that I had with DH a week before Christmas, staying up until all hours cooking enough food to feed 100 more people than would be coming for dinner, crying in the shower where no one else could see. I know now how stupid those words that the Dr. said really were. ALL women are scarred by their losses, no one is ever the same, but this does not make us crazy, it does not make us lost causes.
I guess I was hanging all my hope on another pregnancy. We tried so hard to get pg that 1st month (that only month, that last month) and I was let go 1 day after my BFN HPT. In the car on the way home I wasn't thinking about having no money, about not being able to pay bills, I was thinking about not being able to get pg; about losing my chance. I think that's when it all clicked for me, on that drive home. I felt so lost, so alone, I think that (2 months later) is when the grief finally hit me.
I also think losing my job has a lot to do with the guilt I feel. I truly believe that if I had still been pregnant I would not have lost my job. My old company has a history of not letting people go if the are pg. I feel like when I lost my baby I also somehow doomed myself to lose my job, and that by not getting pg that last month I sealed my own fate. I know that it sounds completely crazy, that everything that happened was out of my control. But the what if's swirl in my brain constantly, especially in the middle of the night or earlier morning when I can no longer sleep.
I think it is because of this that I am having so much difficulty in the job that I am doing now. It is still temporary through an agency, but they have said that if all works out they may hire me full time. The job is nothing at all that I would have pursued on my own, and I don't think a good fit for me on many levels. I think I knew this from the beginning, but was blinded by the idea of getting hired soon, thus getting insurance and being able to try again. If I had it to do again, I am really not sure what I would do. . . I am still looking for something else, but it is difficult to do while working. A lot of nights I am too emotionally drained to even think about going online to apply for jobs. DH does not understand this and he gets frustrated when I say that I feel like I don't have it in me to look sometimes. He says that I have to make time or else my situation will never change. I know that he is right to some extent, but how can I find the strength to look for a job when some days it is a struggle just to get out of bed to go to work?
I know that there is no way to see what will happen in the future; but I feel like sometimes I can't go on if I don't know when this will end. I need to know where the end of this lies. Do I stay here where I hate it because I may be able to try again soon if I do? Would it be good for me to stay here if I hate it? Would future pregnancies be in jeopardy (as my husband says they would) if I stay at a place where I am unhappy and stressed? What if nothing else comes along? What if I can't find the strength to keep looking?
I know that it is pointless to speculate. That there is nothing I can do, and that it just perpetuates my fears and uncertainty. I just feel in limbo in so many ways. I feel like I can not even hope for another pregnacy until I have these other things worked out; and how can I go on without any hope??
On the day that it happened, I remember very little of what anyone said to me. I hear bits and pieces of the Dr's empty word echoing in my memory. I remember only the things that bring no comfort, the words that no one should hear. He said that most women are fine after a miscarriage, but that some become emotionally scarred and are never the same. The way he said it made these women seem damaged, abnormal, unsaveable, crazy. My poor DH who was also going through a new and horrific experience, thought that these words would help me in some way (really?) and in those first few dark days he repeated them as if to comfort me. I know that he meant well, and that he didn't know what to say, but I really believe that these words are what caused me to bury my loss, my pain, what caused me to try and forget that anything happened. I did not want to become one of "those women." I didn't want to think that there would be no hope for me. I was afraid of letting my husband down, of losing myself, and becoming "scarred."
I pushed the feelings deep down, it was easy to do at the time. There were many other things to be occupied with. The holidays were coming and it was easy to lose myself in the preparations. Looking back I see the moments where I was hurting most. . . the screaming fight that I had with DH a week before Christmas, staying up until all hours cooking enough food to feed 100 more people than would be coming for dinner, crying in the shower where no one else could see. I know now how stupid those words that the Dr. said really were. ALL women are scarred by their losses, no one is ever the same, but this does not make us crazy, it does not make us lost causes.
I guess I was hanging all my hope on another pregnancy. We tried so hard to get pg that 1st month (that only month, that last month) and I was let go 1 day after my BFN HPT. In the car on the way home I wasn't thinking about having no money, about not being able to pay bills, I was thinking about not being able to get pg; about losing my chance. I think that's when it all clicked for me, on that drive home. I felt so lost, so alone, I think that (2 months later) is when the grief finally hit me.
I also think losing my job has a lot to do with the guilt I feel. I truly believe that if I had still been pregnant I would not have lost my job. My old company has a history of not letting people go if the are pg. I feel like when I lost my baby I also somehow doomed myself to lose my job, and that by not getting pg that last month I sealed my own fate. I know that it sounds completely crazy, that everything that happened was out of my control. But the what if's swirl in my brain constantly, especially in the middle of the night or earlier morning when I can no longer sleep.
I think it is because of this that I am having so much difficulty in the job that I am doing now. It is still temporary through an agency, but they have said that if all works out they may hire me full time. The job is nothing at all that I would have pursued on my own, and I don't think a good fit for me on many levels. I think I knew this from the beginning, but was blinded by the idea of getting hired soon, thus getting insurance and being able to try again. If I had it to do again, I am really not sure what I would do. . . I am still looking for something else, but it is difficult to do while working. A lot of nights I am too emotionally drained to even think about going online to apply for jobs. DH does not understand this and he gets frustrated when I say that I feel like I don't have it in me to look sometimes. He says that I have to make time or else my situation will never change. I know that he is right to some extent, but how can I find the strength to look for a job when some days it is a struggle just to get out of bed to go to work?
I know that there is no way to see what will happen in the future; but I feel like sometimes I can't go on if I don't know when this will end. I need to know where the end of this lies. Do I stay here where I hate it because I may be able to try again soon if I do? Would it be good for me to stay here if I hate it? Would future pregnancies be in jeopardy (as my husband says they would) if I stay at a place where I am unhappy and stressed? What if nothing else comes along? What if I can't find the strength to keep looking?
I know that it is pointless to speculate. That there is nothing I can do, and that it just perpetuates my fears and uncertainty. I just feel in limbo in so many ways. I feel like I can not even hope for another pregnacy until I have these other things worked out; and how can I go on without any hope??
Replies
I almost feel like I cannot be completely \"healed\" until I know I can try again. . . does this make sense?????
Sweetpea, this makes complete sense and I understand and share so much of what you feel. I think because you pushed things down and got on with \'coping\' in those early days, you are going through that paralyzing grief phase now, and trying to deal with things on so many fronts. I think the work thing is an issue to be delayed slightly if you can - maybe just for a few weeks while you\'re in this phase of grief. Maybe you could browse online for a new job, but only to check you aren\'t missing out on that wonderful opportunity - maybe let yourself apply for one job a week that you just can\'t pass up. And if that job doesn\'t appear before you this week, let that week go by. You only need delay the search for a few weeks to focus on your grief coping right now - but maybe knowing in one month say, you will resume job searching properly, then you wont feel so stuck and that will be your hope for the work situation?
In the meantime, don\'t give up hope on getting pregnant. I understand your husbands fears about your stress at work if you do fall, but hey - wouldn\'t it be easier to go into a horrible jib knowing they\'re just picking up your pregnancy costs and that you\'ll be out of their as soon as you\'re too big to fit behind your desk? Use them - they pay your costs while you\'re trying to conceive, if you\'re still there when you fall, then they\'ll pick up those costs too - and then they\'ll be no more. In the meanwhile, you may well find something else you like more.
But for now, try not to look too far ahead ... I totally go under when I do that. The thought of working horrible jobs when all you want to do is be at home with your baby is just too much. So try to think only of now - of this week and no further. It\'s all about coping with your loss right now sweetie - I know you have to work to eat but just do what you have to to get through those days and don\'t let yourself think about that being the long term OK.
Oh hon....I\'m right there with you. The loss of your baby and a terrible job situation - probably seems almost too much to bear. I think Abi\'s right....just one day, one week at a time. If what gets you through is knowing that it will give you peace of mind to get pregnant, so be it. Maybe there are small things you can do, games you can play to get through each day. In the meantime, I totally understand how looking for new jobs is too much at the end of the day. Maybe you and your husband can set aside an hour each night, each week whatever - to look together? It may help you stay on track to have his support, extra time for the two of you together to plan, dream (\"If I got this new better job, then....\") Consider it a new form of \"date night\" :) Maybe if you told him you really needed his help with this,. at least for a little while - it could help get out of the cycle that\'s brining you down. I know - I\'m there with you sometimes. Applying for three different jobs this week, even though I will lose out on all of the sick time I accrued over the last 8 years at my current job that would be my maternity leave. Sometimes we have to keep moving, because sitting still will kill us, you know?
Did you have you last counseling session already? Did they have another referral/follow-up for you? I wonder if that can be a place to vent too? I know I miss my therapist from years ago when I was going through a rough patch.
Anyway, thinking of you....Monday\'s over...before you know it, we\'ll be celebrating Friday!
XO,
Meagan
My blessing to you sweetie. I believe that we never are really the same again, but we are definitely not crazy, just eventually a lot stronger. I totally understand your feelings on not being fully healed, until you try again. I am stuck in a similar dilemma. Deciding on whether or not to try again???? My Doc has said ok, but just so petrified. I feel that once I make a decision, I will truly start to heal. Stay strong.
Meagan,
Thank you so much for your support. . . a lot of the time it is soooo difficult and it always seems like in the most difficult times I log on here and some one has written so message of caring or support. I have been trying to apply to at least 5 jobs a week, but I am afraid that it\'s not enough. The job market in my area is really oversaturated with people looking for jobs. Before I got this job I applied for 200 jobs in about 5 weeks; I got all of 2 interviews. Looking for a job is so draining on so many level, even during the best of times, and with everything else that\'s going on it seems like Mt. Everest sometimes!
I guess I was just hoping that feeling better would stick around a little longer. . . i have discussed this a little with my counselor, but she is from pregnancy loss support program and kind if tries to steer around anything that isn\'t really too directly related. Don\'t get me wrong she has been really helpful, but it\'s not the same as having a \"real\" therapist or counselor. It always comes back to the health insurance. . .
Anyway, I hope your job search goes well! And hopefully soon we will both be in better places. . .
Thanks for listening,
Shannon
cath,
I am soooooo ready to try again, which is why this whole situation gets frustrating. I am terrified, but ready to take that leap, and yet here I am completely stuck. I feel like I am almost there, almost feeling better, like I just need to be able to have the choice whether or not to try . . . at least that is one good thing about this horrible job; if they do hire me I will be able to try again. At least that\'s something. . .
i think it\'s completely normal to be afraid to try again. At first I wouldn\'t even entertain the idea, because I could not fathom having to go through this all over again. Then my husband asked me if I was more afraid to try again or more afraid to never have a chance to be a mom. It really helped me put everything more in perspective, because I would totally regret not having taken another shot. Everyone is different though, and you have to make sure that you do what\'s right for you.
Here\'s hoping for better days. . .
Thanks for listening and for caring enough to post!
Shannon
Hi Shannon,
I haven\'t been on in a few days, & just saw this. I\'m sorry that you\'re feeling down, but I agree with what others have said. It sounds like you supressed the grief, & are just now dealing with it. I know you don\'t want to answer this directly on here, but if you\'re doing temp work you ought to check out Kelly. I\'m not sure about other Kelly branches, but Kelly Educational DOES offer insurance!!! The economy is so difficult right now, & everybody is struggling. It\'s a rough time to look for new work - especially when dealing with grief. If you can hold off for a little while it might be for the best, so that you can focus on yourself. (((HUGS)))