Tomorrow I would have been 6 months. . .
Everday I wonder how much longer I can do this. It is so hard to explain to anyone sometimes. . . the way that I feel. I connect my loss so much with the loss of my job, and it makes everything more difficult. I had never really dealt with my loss until then, I had buried the feelings deep.
On the day that it happened, I remember very little of what anyone said to me. I hear bits and pieces of the Dr's empty word echoing in my memory. I remember only the things that bring no comfort, the words that no one should hear. He said that most women are fine after a miscarriage, but that some become emotionally scarred and are never the same. The way he said it made these women seem damaged, abnormal, unsaveable, crazy. My poor DH who was also going through a new and horrific experience, thought that these words would help me in some way (really?) and in those first few dark days he repeated them as if to comfort me. I know that he meant well, and that he didn't know what to say, but I really believe that these words are what caused me to bury my loss, my pain, what caused me to try and forget that anything happened. I did not want to become one of "those women." I didn't want to think that there would be no hope for me. I was afraid of letting my husband down, of losing myself, and becoming "scarred."
I pushed the feelings deep down, it was easy to do at the time. There were many other things to be occupied with. The holidays were coming and it was easy to lose myself in the preparations. Looking back I see the moments where I was hurting most. . . the screaming fight that I had with DH a week before Christmas, staying up until all hours cooking enough food to feed 100 more people than would be coming for dinner, crying in the shower where no one else could see. I know now how stupid those words that the Dr. said really were. ALL women are scarred by their losses, no one is ever the same, but this does not make us crazy, it does not make us lost causes.
I guess I was hanging all my hope on another pregnancy. We tried so hard to get pg that 1st month (that only month, that last month) and I was let go 1 day after my BFN HPT. In the car on the way home I wasn't thinking about having no money, about not being able to pay bills, I was thinking about not being able to get pg; about losing my chance. I think that's when it all clicked for me, on that drive home. I felt so lost, so alone, I think that (2 months later) is when the grief finally hit me.
I also think losing my job has a lot to do with the guilt I feel. I truly believe that if I had still been pregnant I would not have lost my job. My old company has a history of not letting people go if the are pg. I feel like when I lost my baby I also somehow doomed myself to lose my job, and that by not getting pg that last month I sealed my own fate. I know that it sounds completely crazy, that everything that happened was out of my control. But the what if's swirl in my brain constantly, especially in the middle of the night or earlier morning when I can no longer sleep.
I think it is because of this that I am having so much difficulty in the job that I am doing now. It is still temporary through an agency, but they have said that if all works out they may hire me full time. The job is nothing at all that I would have pursued on my own, and I don't think a good fit for me on many levels. I think I knew this from the beginning, but was blinded by the idea of getting hired soon, thus getting insurance and being able to try again. If I had it to do again, I am really not sure what I would do. . . I am still looking for something else, but it is difficult to do while working. A lot of nights I am too emotionally drained to even think about going online to apply for jobs. DH does not understand this and he gets frustrated when I say that I feel like I don't have it in me to look sometimes. He says that I have to make time or else my situation will never change. I know that he is right to some extent, but how can I find the strength to look for a job when some days it is a struggle just to get out of bed to go to work?
I know that there is no way to see what will happen in the future; but I feel like sometimes I can't go on if I don't know when this will end. I need to know where the end of this lies. Do I stay here where I hate it because I may be able to try again soon if I do? Would it be good for me to stay here if I hate it? Would future pregnancies be in jeopardy (as my husband says they would) if I stay at a place where I am unhappy and stressed? What if nothing else comes along? What if I can't find the strength to keep looking?
I know that it is pointless to speculate. That there is nothing I can do, and that it just perpetuates my fears and uncertainty. I just feel in limbo in so many ways. I feel like I can not even hope for another pregnacy until I have these other things worked out; and how can I go on without any hope??
On the day that it happened, I remember very little of what anyone said to me. I hear bits and pieces of the Dr's empty word echoing in my memory. I remember only the things that bring no comfort, the words that no one should hear. He said that most women are fine after a miscarriage, but that some become emotionally scarred and are never the same. The way he said it made these women seem damaged, abnormal, unsaveable, crazy. My poor DH who was also going through a new and horrific experience, thought that these words would help me in some way (really?) and in those first few dark days he repeated them as if to comfort me. I know that he meant well, and that he didn't know what to say, but I really believe that these words are what caused me to bury my loss, my pain, what caused me to try and forget that anything happened. I did not want to become one of "those women." I didn't want to think that there would be no hope for me. I was afraid of letting my husband down, of losing myself, and becoming "scarred."
I pushed the feelings deep down, it was easy to do at the time. There were many other things to be occupied with. The holidays were coming and it was easy to lose myself in the preparations. Looking back I see the moments where I was hurting most. . . the screaming fight that I had with DH a week before Christmas, staying up until all hours cooking enough food to feed 100 more people than would be coming for dinner, crying in the shower where no one else could see. I know now how stupid those words that the Dr. said really were. ALL women are scarred by their losses, no one is ever the same, but this does not make us crazy, it does not make us lost causes.
I guess I was hanging all my hope on another pregnancy. We tried so hard to get pg that 1st month (that only month, that last month) and I was let go 1 day after my BFN HPT. In the car on the way home I wasn't thinking about having no money, about not being able to pay bills, I was thinking about not being able to get pg; about losing my chance. I think that's when it all clicked for me, on that drive home. I felt so lost, so alone, I think that (2 months later) is when the grief finally hit me.
I also think losing my job has a lot to do with the guilt I feel. I truly believe that if I had still been pregnant I would not have lost my job. My old company has a history of not letting people go if the are pg. I feel like when I lost my baby I also somehow doomed myself to lose my job, and that by not getting pg that last month I sealed my own fate. I know that it sounds completely crazy, that everything that happened was out of my control. But the what if's swirl in my brain constantly, especially in the middle of the night or earlier morning when I can no longer sleep.
I think it is because of this that I am having so much difficulty in the job that I am doing now. It is still temporary through an agency, but they have said that if all works out they may hire me full time. The job is nothing at all that I would have pursued on my own, and I don't think a good fit for me on many levels. I think I knew this from the beginning, but was blinded by the idea of getting hired soon, thus getting insurance and being able to try again. If I had it to do again, I am really not sure what I would do. . . I am still looking for something else, but it is difficult to do while working. A lot of nights I am too emotionally drained to even think about going online to apply for jobs. DH does not understand this and he gets frustrated when I say that I feel like I don't have it in me to look sometimes. He says that I have to make time or else my situation will never change. I know that he is right to some extent, but how can I find the strength to look for a job when some days it is a struggle just to get out of bed to go to work?
I know that there is no way to see what will happen in the future; but I feel like sometimes I can't go on if I don't know when this will end. I need to know where the end of this lies. Do I stay here where I hate it because I may be able to try again soon if I do? Would it be good for me to stay here if I hate it? Would future pregnancies be in jeopardy (as my husband says they would) if I stay at a place where I am unhappy and stressed? What if nothing else comes along? What if I can't find the strength to keep looking?
I know that it is pointless to speculate. That there is nothing I can do, and that it just perpetuates my fears and uncertainty. I just feel in limbo in so many ways. I feel like I can not even hope for another pregnacy until I have these other things worked out; and how can I go on without any hope??
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