tomorrow

hi to my friends.i have been very sick this week. last week they were going to put up jessys tombstone and i REALLY wanted to be there to watch. but it was the last week of school and i was needed at this school and that school and kids prize givings and concerts etc.  i tried to be so happy for them, and i was PROUD of them (besided the sadness i felt in myself that they had not achieved well this year). but in any case i thought maybe it just wasnt meant to be that i HAD to be with them for all their stuff and maybe it was just not meant to be to be at the cemetary to watch the stone  getting put up. everyone was telling me, its not a good idea, it is a good idea, its not the done thing, no one can tell you, blah blah blah. i had wanted to be and thats what mattered to me. well, at the end of that long busy week, my hubby got a call to say that the truck bringing the tombstones to Joburg, broke down,  and will only be able to do it next week. HOW WEIRD IS THAT!!!  i was convinced jessy and G-d arranged that as they saw what it meant to me. meantime in the last 3/4 days i have become so sick. sore ears throat and dizzy. doc said ear and throat infec and vertigo, put on anti biotics and other stuff. i was in a terrible state. i couldnt describe it to any other human being. like i was sick nauseous, and even going crazy in my head. anxiety couldnt breathe took a tranqiliser.  later happened again took another tranquiliser. then ears so sore took pain killers. couldnt keep any food down, after 3 days not eating in actually think i was experiencin a slightly psychotic state. felt insane, uncomfortable, agitated, couldnt cry, felt out of touch, freaked out, couldnt eat. and this feeling of weirdness was absolutely terrifying to me.  my family tells me its stress about the tombstone going up. i dont know. today it was so bad i prayed to G-d. i said please give me strength, please let me do without these tranquilisers and not feel such unbearable anxiety attacks. please give me apetite, i think its affecting my brain. i asked Him and Jessy to help me. i really needed help and i did not know who to turn to. i came hom from shopping, i was tired, nauseaus, anxious. i said im just going to have a cup of tea and lie down for an hour which i did. when i woke up this evening. i felt BETTER! i got up. i made supper for everyone. i took just my regular meds. i was HUNGRY, and ate a good healthy supper. i knew that G-d and Jessy were smiling at me, and i smiled in my heart back at them. so anyway, thank G-d i feel physically a bit better now. now tomorrow the tombstone is going up. my mom will come with me. mabye khaely and jarod too. i have no idea how i am going to feel.  its another confirmation that jessy is gone. i dont know if it will feel secure and safe FOR her and us, or if it will feel frightening and traumatic for us. May G-d be with us.lots of love always, jan