todays thoughts

I usually have a note book I write in from time to time.  I make sure it is well hidden of course.  I was going to use it to write down bits and pieces about my daughter as she grows up, but in the past two years I've used it on and off to write where my headspace is at. 
I have known for a long time that hey this relationship is dangerous and it wont work out but at the same time, I keep hoping, just maybe, things will get better and it'll have been worth me hanging in there.  But as each day, week and month passes, nothing changes, nothing gets better.
I use the notebook now to write down bad moments.  They are usually about my partners rants or his threats and the few times that he has hit me.  I do this in the hope that one day when all this is over with, and my daughter feels like it was my fault for taking her away from her daddy away, she can read this and understand what I went through and why I did what I did and not hate me.
Coming across this site has been a positive step.  I'm around people in the same situation or have been there.  People who understand where I'm at and why I'm just accepting this at the moment.
I was thinking last night after I wrote my advice blurb, why do I hang in there.   I hope to make it better for him, to take away all the pain from his past, the abusive and violent upbringing that he had, to give him a better life and a happy family that he so wants.  But thats not going to happen.  And I need to get pass the guilt about not being able to do that for him, and to get pass the guilt about "ruining his life".  He's a survivor, hes a charmer, he'll charm someone else,  he'll tell them what a nasty selfish piece of work I was just like he tells me thats how his previous wife was.  I need to get pass the guilt of taking our daughter away from him.
And if anything happens to him, I need to not feel guilty about that too.