Today worse than ever

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when you feel life can't get any worse it does. Yesterday I recalled proposing, then later remembered baking cakes on 5th November, as 6th is her birthday. I had bad dreams in the night. One was that my divorce papers will arrive today - no post yet so will see, then I dreamt of picking up my youngest son from school, something I'll probably never do again and it breaks me. I am broken. I miss my wife, I miss my family, I don't know if/when I'll ever see them again. I can't imagine life without them, I've barely held on in the last 13 months, and whilst not suicidal I'm wondering if this is life, and if so death may be preferable. Please pain go away it hurts so much,it hurts too much