Today was a war with my mind!

Today I thought started out really well. Then my mind wouldn't let the A rest. Was at work by 7am and by 10:30 the anxiety started to kick into over drive. It consumed me today and I hated it. Felt like I had no controll over my thoughts. Went home and was ok I guess. Husband was in a good mood and we all went out to dinner and grocery shopping. At dinner he made two different comments (joken) about how I never used to give him sex. I asked him why he brought that up and he sid that it still bothers him. Give me a break....If he's getting it everyday now like new lovers with me then don't feed me that it bothers you mentally that last month or 3 years ago that I turned you down. Is this his way of redirecting the blame? What ever! He still won't move his stuff back in. He says you don't know what its like being kicked out of your own house......He dont want to move back in till he feels secure again...What about how I feel! He needed to be kicked out did he forget what he did? He said oh I guess we just wont talk about how I feel.. What a joke. How about we try to fix the wifes heart that you tore out and left her with a bleeding hole that wont heal before we feel bad for you that you didn't get enough sex so you had to run to some tramp...for 4 months not just once... I guess today is one of those bad angree days:( But I sappose that is part of the process. I am glad counseling is tomorrow. I need to vent:)

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m glad you are going to counseling. Yes the anger can eat you alive and you have plenty to be angry about. In the beginning they try to deflect the guilt they feel by trying to \"blame\" us for causing them to stray. My H used lack of sex as the excuse too. Yes our sex life had dropped off, I was overwhelmed dealing with my daughters drug problems and I let it affect us. After some time he finally did admit that it still didn\'t excuse what he did or make it more ok. That took some time. I read what one counselor said, and I think he got it right. He said that they have to try to place blame on us, our lack of giving sex, or lack of love or whatever they feel because if they were honest with themselves, they would have to admit that it was caused by something lacking in themselves, an insecurity that made them look to someone else to make them feel better about themselves and they would have to admit they had been weak and selfish and had cared more about themselves than hurting the person they were supposed to love more than anyone in the world. He said to admit that to yourself is a very hard thing to do and it takes a long time for some to be able to do that. Anyhow, I hope he learns soon that remarks like that only cause you more pain and damage the relationship more. Hugs to you.
thebeachretreat
thebeachretreat

In the early weeks / months after dday my husband just did not \"get it.\" He thought that by saying he was sorry that all would be well. We also went through a period where he thought that he and the OW could be \"friends\" and stay in contact. He was in a FOG!

When they are in the fog they only think about themselves and they don\'t have the full picture of what they have done to you. Like ronidk said they try to put the blame on you rather than face the fact that they were selfish bastards.

And in the beginning he said a few things that pushed me over the edge. One time he told me to quit worrying about it when I was upset while he was traveling.....I replied back that if he had never screwed another woman there would be nothing to worry about and to not be so damn flippant about my feelings. Several times he tried to laugh off something I said because it was too tender of a subject to deal with and frankly, he just isn\'t equipped to have those \"deep\" conversations but eventually I got him to realize that he had to be mindful for what he said to me and to never try to \"dismiss\" a fear of mine.

My husband eventually came to the realization of what he had done to me - to us - but it took months. I would be angry, have melt downs and leave him standing there flabbergasted. Again, he thought that once he said he was sorry that all would be as normal.

We both now realize that we did not want things to be \"as normal.\" We wanted something different and better.

You will have lots of anger. Is your husband in counseling with you?

One of the best things I did was I told my husband that part of my deal for reconciling was that he had to read at least one book on affairs and how they affect a marriage. He did it. I think because he educated himself on the fall out from affairs that he was better able to understand my wild swings of emotion. I think we would not have had as successful of a recovery if he had not taken the time to understand what was going on with me because some of my anger would have pushed him away.

We also had to do lots of talking and communicating...sometimes through e-mail when I could not talk about it in person. But we got everything out and I shared all of my emotions.

Just know that anger is part of it. The anger seems to be subsiding for me. On occasion it flares up but it is always directed more to the OW for some reason.

Sending you strength.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It took me forcing my H to re-read all the chats with the OW out loud for the fog to clear. For him to really \"hear\" what he had said. I told him to imagine his words in the chats were some OM and her responses were mine. How would he feel. How would he feel if I went to where some OM worked and offered myself up? He got it then.

Unlike Beach my anger is directed at H. Don\'t get me wrong the OW is a nasty skank whore but I didn\'t marry her. She didn\'t promise me anything. What she did to me she would have done to anyone cause she is scum. But my H did promise to love, protect, cherish me.

We also do a lot of talking via email. This seems to help me really thing about my word choices before I go spewing out the anger venom at him.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh how I don\'t miss the early stage of first finding out they have betrayed us. It was so difficult and so unbearable that at times it feels like that I could not have possibly been there. All I can say is that with time it will indeed be less painful and the triggers and mood swings will start to be more spaced out.

I wish your husband knew how delicate this time is and that you need to vent and feel supported. He shouldn\'t bring up the lack of sex because it would make anyone feel as if he\'s putting the blame on you. But agree with it being a defense mechanism, a way of him feeling less guilty.

Try sending him an email telling him how you feel and telling him how him not moving back his stuff makes you feel uncomfortable. It is sometimes easier to write things down than to say them in person because that can lead to an outburst if you don\'t get the response you want. I am sending you a hug today and hopefully today will be a better day for you :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh how I don\'t miss the early stage of first finding out they have betrayed us. It was so difficult and so unbearable that at times it feels like that I could not have possibly been there. All I can say is that with time it will indeed be less painful and the triggers and mood swings will start to be more spaced out.

I wish your husband knew how delicate this time is and that you need to vent and feel supported. He shouldn\'t bring up the lack of sex because it would make anyone feel as if he\'s putting the blame on you. But agree with it being a defense mechanism, a way of him feeling less guilty.

Try sending him an email telling him how you feel and telling him how him not moving back his stuff makes you feel uncomfortable. It is sometimes easier to write things down than to say them in person because that can lead to an outburst if you don\'t get the response you want. I am sending you a hug today and hopefully today will be a better day for you :)
DawnRanae
DawnRanae

I thank you all for the wise words since you have all been there. It means so much to know that I am not alone. That others are exsperiencing the same emotions that I am. I know by him saying that he wishes he could just forget about it, this will help him. But it doesn\'t help the battle that goes on in my mind over this. I never thought something could be so challenging. As for today I feel better because we had a good chat earlier. And also he has agreed to go to counseling with me so I have my session tonight and I will prbably make him a appt. for next week. Hopefully him going will help him work threw why he did this, what it has done to me and how and if we can fix us.
Thank you again for listening:)
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are very fortunate he has agreed to go. I wish so much my H would agree to counseling, Things are so much better for us, so I understand why he wouldn\'t feel it is needed. He doesn\'t realize the anxiety I have that it could happen again. I don\'t understand how it happened to begin with because I do believe he is a good person at heart and not the type that typically cheats-so I worry that he doesn\'t know what truly caused him to do it and until he understands what caused it-how can he be prepared to not let it happen again the next time our marriage goes thru rough times (as all marriages do-there are always hills and valleys). I just feel counseling would help both of us so much. I am both happy for and envious of you!