Today sucks..

Today has been obsurdly difficult...
I woke up feeling exhausted. From 4am on I could not sleep... My stomach felt empty so I weighed myself...99.0...went down 1lb. Yay! I felt an overwhelming shot of joy throughout my body!
I have eaten breakfast, lunch and a snack today...Mainly because of my appointment with Joanna early this afternoon. I did not like the session today at all and I feel like we got NOTHING accomplished. She asked me how my weekend was- I said good. How things were going- I said good. Nothing was really bad so I did not really have anything to say that would be relevant to talk about. So she asked me how eating was going and if I was still following Jill's plan. I laughed and said no. So...after that the entire fucking session was about food/weight/my eating disorder. It sucked. Joanna said that if I am not trying to eat more, then I don't care about getting better...aka I don't want to get rid of my eating disorder and if I don't want that then they can't help me. I disagreed. I get scared when I have to eat more. I try for a little bit, then go back to old habits. I told her that I am working hard and am really trying in therapy and feel like I am moving forward...I'm just not working so hard in the eating field. Her response was, "that is not possible. If you are not trying in there then you can't be trying in here." Disagreed again. I feel that before I can change my eating I need to figure things out in therapy...then I can work on my eating. Apparently I have to work on both hand in hand. UGHHHH.
We tried coming up with multiple different ways to work hard in therapy and try to work on eating at the same time. First thought was I had to eat 3 meals a day and if I don't then I can not come to therapy the next session...after thinking we decided that would not work for various reasons. Perhaps I should join a intensive DBT group where there are multiple people in the group and you work together on things and then you would see an individual therapist that they have. Absolutely not was my response. I will not do that. I had that at SP and Renfrew and hated it. I got nothing accomplished at all. She agreed and we came up with a plan that will work. Since I can not lie (well not when someone asks me a questions directly, apparanelty I lie all the time about things) when people directly ask me a question as to whether I did something or not... So each time I come in for a session she is going to ask me if I have had 3  meals a day since the last session...3 real meals. If I say yes then we will work on things. If I say no, then we will have a session today talking about food/weight/my eating disorder. Since I hate sessions like today focusing on that, that is my reason to eat. I am hoping that if I do this that eventually I will become accustomed to eating like that and it will eventually be natural.
Maybe I am not really caring enough to eat more because of the competition. I feel as though, yes I want to be the smallest of everyone I know. But I know I am already so why am I continuing to lose/not wanting to eat more? Is it a competition within myself to prove to myself that I can lose more? I always say that there is no way I can lower, yet I manage to find a way and I do. Or do I possibly want to lose more weight so that I have a cushion? A cushion so I have room to gain. If I am lower and then I gain some weight it will not be as bad as being where I currently am and gaining weight.
I do not know the exact reason, but I want to find out. I have been thinking of this all afternoon and it is frustrating to not be able to come up with answers. I have been so busy thinking about this and my session earlier that I do not even want to study. I want to focus all of my time figuring things out. My mind keeps thinking about this- that is all that is swarming around my head at the current moment.
I did not send the previous journal entries to Joanna. I just could not. I hate actually talking about my eating disorder specifically. Mainly because I am eating fine.
Lastly, I sent an email to Jill to cancel Thursday. I said that I do not see a point in coming and wasting both her time and mine. I said that it would be more worthwhile to schedule a time for next week. We shall see.