today, so far
I stayed up much later than I expected to last night. I think that the increased dosage of Cymbalta, which seems to get me buzzing, had me up. On the positive side, I was reading about books I might be interested in. I have always loved to read, but recently have found it hard to sit still and concentrate. I didn't realize that restlessness can be part of depression. And of course, when I was fighting the constant anxiety, I definitely couldn't sit still. So I take it as a positive sign that I was even interested in researching books and authors last night. Whether or not I'll be able to read them when they come to the library is another story entirely.
I have been feeling mildly anxious since I got out of bed, but I was able to get up at the same time as yesterday (before noon!) again despite not having gone to bed until very late. My fiance noticed that I actually initiated a conversation with him this morning rather than just staring with my coffee morosely out the window (apparently my norm). He said I seemed to have some of my spark.
So far, I've been able to stay out of bed today. I have had some really touching and encouraging messages of support that have me feeling good about myself and definitely not so alone. Isn't it amazing that all we really need sometimes is to feel like we're not all alone? I guess even when we isolate or are isolated, we need to feel like someone understands and is on our side. Truly on our side, not just going through the motions and saying what they think they should. Sometimes it takes the kindness of a stranger. The internet is amazing in that way. I am lucky to have resources like DS and research at my fingertips the way those before us didn't. I honestly think it would be so much worse not to have the option to get online here.
It is raining and darkly gloomy outside. My fiance suggested I go with him to the store for some milk and eggs, but I declined at first. It would have been so easy to just stay home where it's warmer and dry. He offered to go by himself when he saw me hesitate and let him know it's raining. But as I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I managed to convince myself that getting out, even in the rain, is important. So I did! I went to the store in the rain. It wasn't so bad on the walk there, but it was raining/misting sort of sideways when we headed home. I was not happy, but hey, who would be happy during that? The point is, it's a small victory that I went out despite the weather, which would have been such an easy out.
And now I'm trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the time I'm supposed to be awake today. My fiance has plans to meet a friend in a little while. I know in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "When he goes out, I can go back to bed!" But I also hear my doctor and my sister's voices telling me not to. It's amazing how easily that voice jumps into my head, trying to lure me back to sleep where it feels safe.
I put myself under a microscope in this journal, because at the heart of it, I do want to be better. Or I want to feel better I should say. But then I think, the biggest indicator will be when I'm not constantly thinking of ways to get out of and stay out of bed. I will just be able to wake up and do things. But, I will try not to let the negative voice that's trying to tell me I'm not better, get the best of me. I have to remind myself that's part of the depressed part of my brain. I will keep looking at the small things that seem to be changing and hope they are truly indicators of better things to come.
I have been feeling mildly anxious since I got out of bed, but I was able to get up at the same time as yesterday (before noon!) again despite not having gone to bed until very late. My fiance noticed that I actually initiated a conversation with him this morning rather than just staring with my coffee morosely out the window (apparently my norm). He said I seemed to have some of my spark.
So far, I've been able to stay out of bed today. I have had some really touching and encouraging messages of support that have me feeling good about myself and definitely not so alone. Isn't it amazing that all we really need sometimes is to feel like we're not all alone? I guess even when we isolate or are isolated, we need to feel like someone understands and is on our side. Truly on our side, not just going through the motions and saying what they think they should. Sometimes it takes the kindness of a stranger. The internet is amazing in that way. I am lucky to have resources like DS and research at my fingertips the way those before us didn't. I honestly think it would be so much worse not to have the option to get online here.
It is raining and darkly gloomy outside. My fiance suggested I go with him to the store for some milk and eggs, but I declined at first. It would have been so easy to just stay home where it's warmer and dry. He offered to go by himself when he saw me hesitate and let him know it's raining. But as I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I managed to convince myself that getting out, even in the rain, is important. So I did! I went to the store in the rain. It wasn't so bad on the walk there, but it was raining/misting sort of sideways when we headed home. I was not happy, but hey, who would be happy during that? The point is, it's a small victory that I went out despite the weather, which would have been such an easy out.
And now I'm trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the time I'm supposed to be awake today. My fiance has plans to meet a friend in a little while. I know in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "When he goes out, I can go back to bed!" But I also hear my doctor and my sister's voices telling me not to. It's amazing how easily that voice jumps into my head, trying to lure me back to sleep where it feels safe.
I put myself under a microscope in this journal, because at the heart of it, I do want to be better. Or I want to feel better I should say. But then I think, the biggest indicator will be when I'm not constantly thinking of ways to get out of and stay out of bed. I will just be able to wake up and do things. But, I will try not to let the negative voice that's trying to tell me I'm not better, get the best of me. I have to remind myself that's part of the depressed part of my brain. I will keep looking at the small things that seem to be changing and hope they are truly indicators of better things to come.
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