Today's outlook... A LOT BETTER

Well, today started out very nerve racking.  I still havent heard from my wife or kids.  I was haveing a huge @$$ nicotine fit.  I NEEDED THAT SMOKE SOOOOOOOO BADLY.  But the great news is, i did not have one!  I miss my family so much that i just feel so friggen empty inside.  But, today's counseling session proved yet again, amazing.  Thank you Dr. Tom.  I feel better with getting things out that i have never thought about, or had that amount of perspective towards.  In Retrospect, i never thought about the things that really have torn my head apart for years.  Now that we scratched the surface, i see a lot more clearly, and am thankful for that.  I can now try to heal those 'wounds.'  Some of the things that are affecting me, are the losses in my life.  I have lost some good friends and family, but the thing that really sticks out, is my career and family.  I originally planned to go into the Marines and make a career out of it.  i was supposed to go in for 4 years active duty, go to school, become an officer in the Corps, and be a helicopter pilot.  I didnt stay in, and i never had the oppurtunity to go to school because of deployments and training.  My career now is very bleak, and that contributes to it.  I lost my direction, which has severly tormented my judgement, my thoughts, and my ability to be with my family.  because of my back surgery almost two years ago, i never got to be a cop in Phoenix.  Now that the back is better, they are not hiring in any city here.  I am not even sure if that is what i want to do anymore.  I really wanted to continue to serve my country.  All of my life i wanted to serve.  ever since i was a boy, i wanted to continue the family tradition and serve the country.  I joined the Civil Air Patrol when i was 11 years old, and did that until i left for the Marines.  The military is all i have ever known.  My father was in the Air Force for 22 years.  My stepfather was in for 22 years also.  My grandfathers both served also.  So on and so forth.  I really did not know what else i wanted to do.  Now that i am out, i have really no clue what i want to do with myself.  I liked working on helicopters, so i have recently applied (and god willing i get one of the jobs) for several Aviation Avionics positions here in the valley.  I know i have lost respect from my wife, becuase i chose flakey jobs and had no real happiness with them.  I spent several nights working away from my family.  I missed out on several warm nights in bed with my wife, waking up to saturday morning cartoons with my boy.  I missed out on dinner and a movie nights (my own family tradition).  I HATE THAT I MISSED THAT CRAP!  i thought nice and hard about it this weekend, and realized that i am truly unhappy working nights.  I missed out on a lot of fun nights with my wife and family, and now regret it. I have lost a lot of time with them, that i can never get back.  i got sidetracked, lol.  my momma called me.  Well, i will finish these thoughts later.  I will continue to pray about these things.  STILL SMOKE FREE!!!! WOOT WOOT!  I also can justify moving my fix me bar and better husband bar up 5% becuase i truly recognize some of the problems and will work on them.  Knowing is half the Battle!!!!! GI JOE!!!!! lmao.