today's journal

I had an interaction with my Dad yesterday that lingered with me in the sense that it felt like "I should" be doing more with my life.

My Dad was really "out of sorts" yesterday, so maybe I should not give his words so much power. I tend to make little things
into 'negative mental opera."
I was at work today and it is a fun and very simple job - but the notion crept in "that I should be doing more"
with my life.

I am at home now and I am trying to give some time to addressing what to do - but I can't really imagine anything.

My history has made most of my personal efforts in life to keep emotionally stable. When it comes time
to thinking about what to do with my life I come up with a big blank - I fantasize about winning the lottery
and taking care of my family. But in seriousness I just feel personal trajectory is a big blank.
And I feel like I am just really uncomfortable. I am not irresponsible but perhaps I could risk more to take
care of life.

This is probably a conversation to have with a therapist - but in truth I guess I can't rely on their insight
and then have my own insight would be - that I have to do this on my own. I guess they could help answer my own
questions - which would be a relief. I get caught up in perfection - and when that notion is 'brought down
to earth' inside me (in other words bang up against imperfect stuff), I tend to not push past it - but this is my insight now and I think that
I am better off to think not just about the imperfection but to also know acceptance in all stuff,

all qualities,
and personal pursuits.