Today May 3rd

Today is supposed to be my 13th anniversary, technically it is since technically we are married by a technicality and not fully divorced.  I was actually doing ok all weekend, I hung out on the boat and tried to forget I didn't see my kids all weekend and all in all it was great.  I even actually woke up this morning feeling ok but I had a feeling I would need to take an "emotional shit" today, so I decided to call in sick, not only for the saddness I feel but for other reasons, too.  I feel a little guilty but I knew between the rain and my feeling just plain shitty, I knew I could not concentrate on doing a good job.  Doing a good job not only in my work but also hiding how I felt.  They know what is going on and I can't let them see me upset b/c I know I am walking on eggshells there.  I cannot afford to lose that job for now...just can't.  I don't even know what to say or how I should feel.  I look back at what we used to do...I used to spend a long time looking for that right card...sometimes a funny one, sometimes serious, sometimes both, but it was always the right one.  We often went out to dinner...and took the boys or just Aidan..therein was the problem that I own.  We never had our time, which drew us apart according to him.  I could not even find a sitter so we had a few hours of our time b/c I didn't trust anyone enough to watch my kids.  I am looking back reflecting where and how my life has gone...I wish I could go back and change things on my end.  I wish I made more time for us and took that for granted...that our vows were forever.  That is something I cannot not change or ever get back.  I wish he would have had enough respect and thought for me to communicate that he wasn't happy and how we could change what we were doing wrong.  Now instead, today, I reflect, on what was and what could have been.  How we talked about growing old...what our plans were for the future...even death and where we were going to be buried together.  Today I reflect on what I lost in a spouse, best friend, lover, and father to my kids.  I think back to my wedding dress and how beautiful I looked and how handsome he looked and how the day went soooo extremely fast, how tired we were and how we had so many to thank and spent our whole reception trying to do so.  I laughed at how we both would put a drink down to take a pix and our drinks would be gone....frustrating but laughable.  I think about our wedding song and the song I danced with my dad to and how I danced the final bridal money dance with most of the guests.  I just felt so happy then and happy up to the day I found out he was cheating. 
Now I just wonder what life has in store for me and my boys...how they will grow up affected by all this moreso what the judge will award and where I will go and live.  I just want a home for my boys and me...something with a yard but that may not be possible.  I am trying my best, trying to move on as best I can..it's a slow process but it is getting better.  When you start accepting what crap has been thrown your way, and you have to, things do get better.  You see what the person has become instead of the person YOU thought they were...the fantasy you lived.  But still it hurts...it hurts and anyone that says it doesn't a year after finding out is a better person than I am. 
Funny, my mom told me a few days ago I am too sensitive.  She is not...she is mean and nothing phases her and just runs her mouth, even when not called for.  I am the complete opposite and wish I could be more like her.  I am sensitive and have a big heart.  I look to "fix" everything, even when in my heart I know it's not possible but I try and try and try.  I wish at times I could be more like her but it's just not me.  And I know I have always looked for her to support me or just hug me at times like this or just be a little sensitive.  I have looked for her acceptance all my life...something I may never get.  I feel that because I was NOT a planned child vs my brother being planned, that somewhere deep inside that was held against me all my life.  Maybe I read into things but she has always been so hard on me all my life...funny I see me doing that to my first son, but he WAS wanted and I don't ever want him to feel like he wasn't.  He is a sensitive boy, just like me...I fear he will grow up like me and be overly sensitive and find the wrong person in his life. 
But....back to my day today, May 3rd.  It is a day I would, for today, like to forget, but cannot.  I pulled my wedding dress out to look at it...thinking how pretty it was.  I was 28 1/2 when I got married and we dated for 7 years before we did.  We were married 6 years before Aidan was born, so had 13 years together and did stuff with no kids.  Why wasn't all that time together enough before the kids came.  Good grief...kids require patience, nurturing, and time...why wasn't I good enough, is what I am asking?  I guess I will never know that answer because anything that will ever be explained regarding that will just be a lie, as I see it, anyway.  I miss being a stay at home mom, now, being there for the boys...I think, for me, that is the thing that upsets me the most.  The fact I am so tired and can't do the stuff with them now, can't go on the class trips, and can't get my act together regarding trying to get them to practices and homework, and just other stuff in a matter of 3 hours a night before bedtime.  Funny today, I didn't let him see me cry I held those tears back and he didn't know I even called in.  I got ready for work, made coffee,  and the kids ready for school like I always do.  Didn't even acknowledge I knew what day it is...how do you acknowledge something like that...it is too awkward.  I don't even know if he knew or knows but I am sure he does.  I am sure he feels bad too, somewhere in that rock of a heart of his.  At least I would like to think he does.  He is on 16 hours today, whether is was intentional or not but I bet he can't face me today and is relieved because I will be asleep when he comes home.  Then it will be tomorrow and May 3rd will be over....with nothing said or acknowledged about it.  However I do go back and forth about sending him a text saying I am sad for today...just to see his response.  Dont' know if that will do any good or not.  I thought about writing him a letter, and maybe I will do that.  I don't know...that will just be something for them to make fun of me again...maybe not but that is how I see it.  So, on this May 3rd, my first anniversary separated...I am ending this journal entry with tears, sadness, and crappy weather.  I think I am entitled to just reflect on the day and feel this way.