Today May 3rd
Today is supposed to be my 13th anniversary, technically it is since technically we are married by a technicality and not fully divorced. I was actually doing ok all weekend, I hung out on the boat and tried to forget I didn't see my kids all weekend and all in all it was great. I even actually woke up this morning feeling ok but I had a feeling I would need to take an "emotional shit" today, so I decided to call in sick, not only for the saddness I feel but for other reasons, too. I feel a little guilty but I knew between the rain and my feeling just plain shitty, I knew I could not concentrate on doing a good job. Doing a good job not only in my work but also hiding how I felt. They know what is going on and I can't let them see me upset b/c I know I am walking on eggshells there. I cannot afford to lose that job for now...just can't. I don't even know what to say or how I should feel. I look back at what we used to do...I used to spend a long time looking for that right card...sometimes a funny one, sometimes serious, sometimes both, but it was always the right one. We often went out to dinner...and took the boys or just Aidan..therein was the problem that I own. We never had our time, which drew us apart according to him. I could not even find a sitter so we had a few hours of our time b/c I didn't trust anyone enough to watch my kids. I am looking back reflecting where and how my life has gone...I wish I could go back and change things on my end. I wish I made more time for us and took that for granted...that our vows were forever. That is something I cannot not change or ever get back. I wish he would have had enough respect and thought for me to communicate that he wasn't happy and how we could change what we were doing wrong. Now instead, today, I reflect, on what was and what could have been. How we talked about growing old...what our plans were for the future...even death and where we were going to be buried together. Today I reflect on what I lost in a spouse, best friend, lover, and father to my kids. I think back to my wedding dress and how beautiful I looked and how handsome he looked and how the day went soooo extremely fast, how tired we were and how we had so many to thank and spent our whole reception trying to do so. I laughed at how we both would put a drink down to take a pix and our drinks would be gone....frustrating but laughable. I think about our wedding song and the song I danced with my dad to and how I danced the final bridal money dance with most of the guests. I just felt so happy then and happy up to the day I found out he was cheating.
Now I just wonder what life has in store for me and my boys...how they will grow up affected by all this moreso what the judge will award and where I will go and live. I just want a home for my boys and me...something with a yard but that may not be possible. I am trying my best, trying to move on as best I can..it's a slow process but it is getting better. When you start accepting what crap has been thrown your way, and you have to, things do get better. You see what the person has become instead of the person YOU thought they were...the fantasy you lived. But still it hurts...it hurts and anyone that says it doesn't a year after finding out is a better person than I am.
Funny, my mom told me a few days ago I am too sensitive. She is not...she is mean and nothing phases her and just runs her mouth, even when not called for. I am the complete opposite and wish I could be more like her. I am sensitive and have a big heart. I look to "fix" everything, even when in my heart I know it's not possible but I try and try and try. I wish at times I could be more like her but it's just not me. And I know I have always looked for her to support me or just hug me at times like this or just be a little sensitive. I have looked for her acceptance all my life...something I may never get. I feel that because I was NOT a planned child vs my brother being planned, that somewhere deep inside that was held against me all my life. Maybe I read into things but she has always been so hard on me all my life...funny I see me doing that to my first son, but he WAS wanted and I don't ever want him to feel like he wasn't. He is a sensitive boy, just like me...I fear he will grow up like me and be overly sensitive and find the wrong person in his life.
But....back to my day today, May 3rd. It is a day I would, for today, like to forget, but cannot. I pulled my wedding dress out to look at it...thinking how pretty it was. I was 28 1/2 when I got married and we dated for 7 years before we did. We were married 6 years before Aidan was born, so had 13 years together and did stuff with no kids. Why wasn't all that time together enough before the kids came. Good grief...kids require patience, nurturing, and time...why wasn't I good enough, is what I am asking? I guess I will never know that answer because anything that will ever be explained regarding that will just be a lie, as I see it, anyway. I miss being a stay at home mom, now, being there for the boys...I think, for me, that is the thing that upsets me the most. The fact I am so tired and can't do the stuff with them now, can't go on the class trips, and can't get my act together regarding trying to get them to practices and homework, and just other stuff in a matter of 3 hours a night before bedtime. Funny today, I didn't let him see me cry I held those tears back and he didn't know I even called in. I got ready for work, made coffee, and the kids ready for school like I always do. Didn't even acknowledge I knew what day it is...how do you acknowledge something like that...it is too awkward. I don't even know if he knew or knows but I am sure he does. I am sure he feels bad too, somewhere in that rock of a heart of his. At least I would like to think he does. He is on 16 hours today, whether is was intentional or not but I bet he can't face me today and is relieved because I will be asleep when he comes home. Then it will be tomorrow and May 3rd will be over....with nothing said or acknowledged about it. However I do go back and forth about sending him a text saying I am sad for today...just to see his response. Dont' know if that will do any good or not. I thought about writing him a letter, and maybe I will do that. I don't know...that will just be something for them to make fun of me again...maybe not but that is how I see it. So, on this May 3rd, my first anniversary separated...I am ending this journal entry with tears, sadness, and crappy weather. I think I am entitled to just reflect on the day and feel this way.
Now I just wonder what life has in store for me and my boys...how they will grow up affected by all this moreso what the judge will award and where I will go and live. I just want a home for my boys and me...something with a yard but that may not be possible. I am trying my best, trying to move on as best I can..it's a slow process but it is getting better. When you start accepting what crap has been thrown your way, and you have to, things do get better. You see what the person has become instead of the person YOU thought they were...the fantasy you lived. But still it hurts...it hurts and anyone that says it doesn't a year after finding out is a better person than I am.
Funny, my mom told me a few days ago I am too sensitive. She is not...she is mean and nothing phases her and just runs her mouth, even when not called for. I am the complete opposite and wish I could be more like her. I am sensitive and have a big heart. I look to "fix" everything, even when in my heart I know it's not possible but I try and try and try. I wish at times I could be more like her but it's just not me. And I know I have always looked for her to support me or just hug me at times like this or just be a little sensitive. I have looked for her acceptance all my life...something I may never get. I feel that because I was NOT a planned child vs my brother being planned, that somewhere deep inside that was held against me all my life. Maybe I read into things but she has always been so hard on me all my life...funny I see me doing that to my first son, but he WAS wanted and I don't ever want him to feel like he wasn't. He is a sensitive boy, just like me...I fear he will grow up like me and be overly sensitive and find the wrong person in his life.
But....back to my day today, May 3rd. It is a day I would, for today, like to forget, but cannot. I pulled my wedding dress out to look at it...thinking how pretty it was. I was 28 1/2 when I got married and we dated for 7 years before we did. We were married 6 years before Aidan was born, so had 13 years together and did stuff with no kids. Why wasn't all that time together enough before the kids came. Good grief...kids require patience, nurturing, and time...why wasn't I good enough, is what I am asking? I guess I will never know that answer because anything that will ever be explained regarding that will just be a lie, as I see it, anyway. I miss being a stay at home mom, now, being there for the boys...I think, for me, that is the thing that upsets me the most. The fact I am so tired and can't do the stuff with them now, can't go on the class trips, and can't get my act together regarding trying to get them to practices and homework, and just other stuff in a matter of 3 hours a night before bedtime. Funny today, I didn't let him see me cry I held those tears back and he didn't know I even called in. I got ready for work, made coffee, and the kids ready for school like I always do. Didn't even acknowledge I knew what day it is...how do you acknowledge something like that...it is too awkward. I don't even know if he knew or knows but I am sure he does. I am sure he feels bad too, somewhere in that rock of a heart of his. At least I would like to think he does. He is on 16 hours today, whether is was intentional or not but I bet he can't face me today and is relieved because I will be asleep when he comes home. Then it will be tomorrow and May 3rd will be over....with nothing said or acknowledged about it. However I do go back and forth about sending him a text saying I am sad for today...just to see his response. Dont' know if that will do any good or not. I thought about writing him a letter, and maybe I will do that. I don't know...that will just be something for them to make fun of me again...maybe not but that is how I see it. So, on this May 3rd, my first anniversary separated...I am ending this journal entry with tears, sadness, and crappy weather. I think I am entitled to just reflect on the day and feel this way.
Replies
((((((((((((((Llmt)))))))))))
I know what you mean. Don\'t ever think that YOU were not good enough. HE is the one who couldn\'t keep it in his pants. HE is the one who isn\'t good enough. You deserve so much more. It\'s so hard, to remember the good times. Take this day for you, get your thoughts together, grieve the loss of your marriage. We will hold you up while you do. Love you!
I\'d advise against contacting him. I reached out to mine when I was feeling sentimental on our seventh dating anniversary and his response was brutal. Don\'t give him any ammo. Do something for yourself today. Get a pedicure! Write a list of things to celebrate about your new beginning.
I agree with both... do something for you! It is very difficult to see that what you thought was, is not longer...you worked hard...you didn\'t fail. Try to think of one silly thing today, laugh, breathe...you are here for a reason. If you need to cry..do it...everyone here supports you. Take care..((HUGS)) Kate
I am with you. Try to hang in there. It is very difficult.
Yeah, a very tough spot to be in, I know! YOu\'ve been dreading today for weeks already! Definitely let it out, let the tears flow, let them cleanse your heart! I feel so badly for you, that my heart actually aches, too! It is such a sad situation, and I don\'t think there is any other way than to get through it, other than to experience the pain, and hope it doesn\'t keep washing over you, with this same damened intensity.
Isn\'t it amazing, that even tho papers have been served, you still ache, and still want to text him?? I don\'t know that anything good, or sentimental will come out of it! \"Really, I don\'t! But do what you want, what your heart wants.
I just can\'t wait til y our heart catches up to your brain! When that finally happens, the rest finally gets a tad bit easier! It\'s getting over that hump. Again, try to do something for yourself today! Can you go out shopping and buy yourself a beautiful designer handbag, or something that you\'ve had your eye on for a while? Maybe a new perfume, to put on, each time you want to remind yourself, that it has to be different, your life, your smell. Buy a new CD, a new group, and make that your music, tohelp you thru this. When I got divorced the first time, I used Graceland, by Paul Simon. I reminded myself that it was me on the huge screen, driving with my music blaring, and that I was the character that had tobe strong, and had to move on! I don\'t know why, but it helped me. I imagined the audience all watching me, be brave, be proud of me, and also comiserating with me! It helped me feel not so alone.
A little goofy, perhaps, but that\'s what I did, and it did help! I also changed my hair up a bit, and in those days, lost weight, bought a couple new clothes, and reminded myself as the outside changed,so would the inside. I just needed to change things up, as if I was transforming from that caterpillar which can only crawl, to that beautiful butterfly who could fly! I liked flying better anyways!
So, I\'m thinking ouf you today. I\'m home,if ya wanna call me! Just call!
L, it\'s not easy for any of us but you\'ve had an especially hard time due to his not leaving. Don\'t send a text or expect anything from him. You can\'t control him and he can\'t control you. Time to break away and create/find that new life out there for you and the boys. I can\'t say if it will be good or bad but much of that is how we decide to look at it. Stay strong and know that all of us are in your corner now and forever!
Anniversaries are hard once they are no longer \"celebrated\" in the fashion they should be. I am sure it is that much harder having to still live with him, the awkwardness of the silence about it, and so on. I couldn\'t even imagine. But it is good that you are taking this day to spend it as you need to and deal with all these feelings and flooding memories.
As for being tough like your mom. I am sure in some cases, when you feel so beaten in life, you wish for that. but at the same time, the strength and toughness you show in dealing with it, yet have the heart to care still, are all qualities that make up you, and I couldn\'t see you or want you to be any other way. I am sure there are many that feel the same.
As for writing him, I don\'t know. I know there were times I took that chance and sent something short and sweet on certain days, it was not received well and really just opened the door for more nastyness from her. I look in hindsight and know it was cus of how she felt about what she did and couldn\'t deal with all that came flooding to her when I did. But at that time, I didn\'t see it that way and it just took me down a road I shouldn\'t have been on. But if you feel so compelled to write him, write it out, like you are going to send it, but dont. just save the draft and walk away for a minute or two. Come back to it once you have had time for the emotions and feelings to resonate. You will most likely feel different about sending it.
On this day, May 3rd, I wish for you to find that peace your mind and heart are seeking and that your day ends with just a bit of that.
*bear hug*
J
Ps. you put a drink down in front of me at a wedding, or shoot, anywhere, it will be gone!! :)
well, you made me sad, too, so now you\'re not alone....it was hard reading about your wedding day. All that love and promise and to see it shattered after having kids is just heart breaking to me...((((((((L)))))))))) Big, big hugs for this anniversary. I had mine in January and it was truly awful.
I would not text or write him anything about it. You may just be setting yourself up for more hurt...
But YES, you are entitled to feel sad and crappy and do whatever you need to today. I\'m so glad you called in sick. You deserve to have this day. I\'m very happy he doesn\'t even know that and won\'t be home until after you\'re asleep, too. Perfect! Grieve and eat and cry and listen to your heart today.
Today is certainly a sad day for you and I understand it completely. You have come so far with this whole mess and I am pretty confident that you will come out of this situation happy and healthy.
Don\'t feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. You\'ve certainly earned it. Do something nice for yourself today. Be kind to yourself.....you are worth it.
My anniversary was last week. Celebrated a few days later actually watching him perjure himself in Federal court. The gift that keeps on giving..... Sue is hard to have it all taken, i know just how you feel......
You are not the one that is \"not good enough\".... you have a heart of gold and in my opinion, he is the one that is not good enough!
Hugs for your bad day, just to try to help you through!
\"I wish he would have had enough respect and thought for me to communicate that he wasn\'t happy and how we could change what we were doing wrong.\"
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Above all else...this statement stands out to me more than anything. Failure to communicate or even lack of an attempt is often what leads to this situation. I know it was a huge part of mine but above all else, L, regardless of what you did wrong or what he did wrong, he was the one who chose to stray and brought this into your lives. That is a fact.
It was probably good for you to take this day and not risk having a meltdown at work. Good to sometimes just have a mental health day and kind of clear the air. I am so sorry that you had to go through this though. 13th anniversaries are just sh*t altogether. That was the last one I had and it was me taking her out to dinner and pretty much the whole evening was a farce because by this time, she had already started her fling with the idiot.
Tell you what, you go ahead and just cut May 3rd off your calendar and I\'ll remove November 5 from mine. Sending giant bear hugs your way!!
Thank you all of you...as I read these responses, I sit here and cry tears of happiness that I found great friends like you all. You have all helped me thru this day more than you know.
Im so sorry to hear that this was a crappy day for you! All i can do is give you a big hug!
our divorce meeting before the judge was 6/30, 3 days after our anniversary; we split after 23, but legally was 26 years and 3 days