today is the day ... & I WANT A SMOKE!

Ok, friends coming over today.  It's 9AM.  I woke up from my 7:30 alarm (should've disabled it seeing as I wasn't going to work today).  And of course I couldn't get back to sleep.  So I listed some more auctions.  BTW, please check 'em out (http://www.gothauctions.com/Auction/XcAPViewInCat.asp?CMD=VIEWUSERAUCTIONS&OwnerID=6989).  I've been selling online for years.  It's one of my hobbies.  And in times like these (when the bills pile up & "drone" employment doesn't quite cut it), the auctions help keep me going.  Now, I really need to shower, clean the bath, clean the cat box, etc.  I want this place to look good.  Hubby says he'll vacuum.  He's sleeping now.  I know this place won't sparkle, & I know my friends won't care.  But I do.  I can't NOT care.  I keep forcing myself to "accept less than the best" to try & tame this perfectionism.  It's hard though.  I've spent 30+ years trying to always be #1.  I hate settling for #2, #3, or *gasp* #10.So, ok, now to motivate my arse away from the PC.  I've had 3 cups of coffee already.  No food yet (I'm a bit concerned about my dietary habits of late, but we'll save that for another entry).  But yet, I turn around & the cats are laying in front of the sliding glass door just soaking up the rays!  *sigh* It looks soooooooo inviting!  Kitties, may I come lay w/ you?  We'll nap in the sun!  No, can't do that.  Must shower then clean!  I know I'll feel better once that's all out of the way.  Then I can just chill & relax w/ a book until they come over.  Of course, what I really want is a goddamn smoke!  It's been 2 weeks since I slipped up, bought a pack (Marlboro menthol lights *yum*), smoked 5, got chastised by the ol' man, then tossed the others in the garbage.  I really really really want a friggin cigarette!  I've noticed that I've even started grinding my teeth more (even though I'm trying to limit my caffeine & sugar intake), because I want a smoke.  I'm chewing more gum than usual.  Often, if I grind my teeth against gum, it helps take the edge off.  Not really working this week.  I'd go back on a low dose patch (that's how I quit in April/May).  But, the patch makes me a bit jumpy & definitely inhibits sleep (produces some f-ed up dreams too!).Alright, I do believe I'm procrastinating now.  Yep, I'm calling myself out.  Get on w/ the day.  That's what I tell the ol' man.  Sometimes, you just have to start the ball rolling.  Then it gets a bit easier.  Take your own medicine, Ange.