Today, I don't feel good enough

i wish I could say I didn't love her and didn't want her in my life. I wish I could remove my depression and anxiety. I wish I could forget the fact she had an affair. 

I can't though. 

These feelings consume me. Make me hurt.

I want to cry but my sobs are dry. I want to run far away and never look back. I want someone to love me. I want someone to need me. 

I am praying for peace and release from these feelings. I am praying that my stbx finds peace. I am praying that my kids will be ok.

This feeling of abandonment strikes me to the core. I can't sleep. I don't feel like eating. The little joy I find is fleeting. 

I wish she still loved me. I wish she could appreciate the strides I took to try and win her love back. I wish she would act like a responsible adult. I wish she would  actually parent. I wish she never moved closer to her sister. 

I want the wasted years I spent drinking and alone erased. I want the foreclosure and repos forgotten. I want the stress of unpaid bills and student loans dissolved. 

These are the thoughts of an abandoned man. I'm left here alone and 20 minutes from my closest friends and family.

I have thoughts about slitting my wrists and dumping myself in the river. Giving my best friends and family my new bestie's phone number to let her know when I'm gone. Researching donating my body to science to make sure it doesn't conflict with my faith although the irony of suicide being a grave sin (no pun intended) is not lost on me. 

It's hard to take it minute by minute when I don't even see myself making it through the year. I want to believe there's someone else out there for me, but she can't see me now. I'm a mess. I'm a disaster and not ready as much as I wish I were. 

I'm exhausted and heartbroken