today I discovered the idea of weaponization in my experience
It's wild but, I realized today while in service
and outside of service too - that I can't get too submissive
to the aesthetic of things I am involved with aka trying to fit in
or being perfect expressor at something that is really just a subjective use
of a set of tools, language manners etc.. ..I may look for ‘a way’ to follow
in life - but I'm realizing the way is YOU (myself). I was so conditioned do this,
to follow people's aesthetics growing up. My mother controlled us
with that shit, she would capitalize on what we said or reacted
with no real sense of what was affecting our development. I was stunted
for sure. She would weaponize things we put out there against us -
and then also be the self appointed paragon of sensitivity and victimhood
for me to emotionally cater too. I was her emotional servant and I think
I became accustomed to getting into unhealthy relationships where people
would weaponize my docile nature and then also treat me badly. I would feel
bad for them first because I couldn't completely cut them off for their humanity (foibles.)
But now I see that's a touch of Stockholm's syndrome. It's been playing out here
at the monastery as well.
So I am realizing there is no perfect picture, we're all human
and individuals and we put out into the world things that
can elicit a response that may influence us blindly if we don't keep
awake to the dynamic at hand.
So I realized too that sometimes people will use an element of what you put out there to
weaponize it against you....likewise I can be unaware of the fact
that when I don't put my own energies into play (my natural aggressivity)
that I myself have thoughts which my mind weaponizes against myself.
It's rough though I know it now and
I know now how to mitigate that - I feel more balanced in how I am handling myself
and so I manage what's real and what's not...
I don't feel at ease with it all - but I am learning more about what that's all about
that moments of vulnerability are just that, and connection can be lovely if nervous making
a wee bit.
Another realization is that I am a productive person
I can get things done, my body is strong but my mind is not so much - It's
like I need a whole world to pay homage to and I guess this is part of the
misconception lesson of childhood I learned growing up.
When I need rest after working - I feel like there's something wrong with me
for needing a rest.but I am learning about that too.
Quite honestly things, in the sense of playfulness, capitalizing on what
someone puts out there in a playful way
can be pleasant dinner guest table talk but that's just fun banter.
I'm reminded of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" where that went to a
really twisted extreme.
Anyways I am reminded of the laughs, and play and
humor at a dinner party I went to in Madrid with my sister.
I don't like when things get too vociferous or stymying
of a personal pursuit - some people are so not good
when they can't tolerate if I expose any bit of personality - and then it's attacked.
THAT's not good.
My mother was that way. She would weaponize everything - and then say
that what I did was out of character....in later years a support group friend
said to me "What exactly is 'in character'?" - that really hit home -
she made us into cartoons in her mind.
Replies
Of course I'm not sure but I think that your mom may have had a personality disorder sweetie and it would have hsd a huge effect on you
Here's so.me possible symptoms of one
It would have been very hard to bear
https://share.google/aimode/65vJEUIgRSikskl6S
Thanks Janet!
I'm never sure what to say....I identify with being a "people pleaser" and adapting my own "character" to the situations I am in, and the people I'm around.
It's easy to end up not being sure who You are, if you do that enough. And I remember how difficult it was, how other people reacted, when some of my Own personality came out.
Just keep finding yourself, Mark. Maybe even make a list of traits you know to be Yours, away from other people.
Thanks GT!!