Today
Today, I’m feeling like I am almost a monastic but
not 100%
I feel that way at times in Maryland
I need personal time and I miss diversity
though I believe in the dignity we bring here.
I am in my room and I will go for a walk. I’d be very happy to sit here and drink water. That is my inclination
My anxiety feeds and is assuaged on the stillness peace and quiet of my room. The muffled sounds of the city and the cool of the air conditioner.
I sent texts offering my help to the brothers but no texts back yet.
Replies
I went for a walk, I am detached from here but I’m trying to focus on healthy thoughts rather than go down a rabbit hole. I can’t suddenly be paranoid about my place here and everything. I need to take care of myself and get back to my relationships. I can’t wait to see Blue.
I am also realizing that when I fatigue that I just shut down emotionally and conversation wise. It’s like part of my brain goes to sleep and I can be an introvert. It’s not personal at all, they’ve got the stamina here.
I also realize that doing art as a young man was a conversation that I could have. It appealed to me when I was younger. A beautiful conversation I could have, that calmed me and expressed my own intellect, vision and voice. It gave back to me when social stuff made me want to escape.
Yes, yesterday was a good day and I can be grateful for that. Not every day will be like that. But now I have to get lunch and back to taking care. I have a lot of time alone today. I ought not look for hate in others’ eyes towards me. Maybe there’s a way to filter that. Human nature? Social fatigue? Self preservation amongst vulnerability?
There could be thoughts or preoccupations of any kind. Let humans be human myself too.
Love for all of us!
I’m alone in my room today and all those human qualities of questioning are is raining down on me. Am I living right? Am I doing ok. It’s like human aggression on my head.
my hands are shaking, anxiety is setting in,
So many questions, no definites, the elder has been so cloak and dagger with regards to my return and what plans he has for me. My friend the Eldress told me to listen to a supplicatory canon of St. George.
It releases feelings.
I’m thinking about you all, the pressures you have in your life and not just a tabula rasa sounding board for my complaint. Thank you for being a comrade. I really appreciate you guys.
Mark, does music ever help you when your thoughts become overwhelming?
When I am alone, my thoughts, paranoia, etc sometimes just come racing in, but music helps me focus outside myself.
I hope you can get back to Blue soon!
Thanks GT!! You are right on! I need to listen to music and also….
The Eldress, my friend, recommended I listen to a supplicatory canon of St. George and one of St. Nina.. listening to them on my phone really released my feelings. It helped me understand my situation and spirituality and what I am dealing with. I felt the pressure today of folks here not really being keen to talk about things personally. My friend S says she plays tennis to work things out emotionally. These two canons did that for me. They feel like a solution for how to deal with things that are emotional but also so they keep emotional and not tweak my brain into abstractions. We rely on each other on this site which is huge but also today’s solution helped me keep human and yet not rely on the clergy.
It’s like a way to self validate but keeps things not all bunched up inside and still socially available.
One therapist talked about how he was constantly knitting and letting go inside. I took that, which I underwood finally yesterday, is that he was gathering what things meant as the input came in and the releasing it as there is ‘no way’ perfectly to respond and there is the present emotional humane reality.
Anyway that was his take. My last therapist said she didn’t really get that so I stuffed it. We’re all trying to cope! The canons helped today!
I’m seeing everyone out there on the streets is dealing with and working through the emotions in their days. Their stresses and responsibilities l. I saw at a coffee shop as I was just walking through the city of Kerkera (Corfu). Everyone has their tools that work for them or decidedly do not work for them and for yet for some reason they keep using them. But we all have things we use to cope.
It reminds me of something I heard, a very interesting quote from Zen Buddhism today. “Some people understand, some people understand after suffering, and some people never understand.’
Dignity for all though in my book.
Big squishy hug sweetie
I'm glad that the cannons helped!!
Anxiety is miserable no doubt about it
I hope that you can rest well tonight...xo
Thanks Janet!!