today
I woke up and made my way down to the chapel for 730am
service wearing my cassock today/ I felt very abject and I started to realize that when I do
have a sense of dignity sometimes others will react in a way
that serves to knock me down a peg. I think some people
try and control your sense of dignity - and this just may
be my shadow side talking - but after I came to chapel - I started
thinking about home life and church life and the application
of that thought on where I am and where I have been....
and as I was sitting behind the screen in chapel and I realized that christianity
gives a sense of platform of grace to interact with each other in diversity
and promote in the best possible way (faulterings permitted)
to behave well with one another as a matter of intended design.
My uncle once said something about 'social lubricant."
I found myself tiring out very much during service - I wasn't getting
a lot from it - I recognized I need a lot of pleasure - and my character seemed
more athletic than the posting required - and despite
my attempts to behave with a kind of pride - I fell into myself - if that makes sense -
and accepted 'who I am' - Just kind of humble, goofy do gooder.
I thought how great it would be if someone wanted to choose
me to be their partner in life - if they saw potential in me -
I know that currently I am making my life here - and living in
respect to the communal way of life - it's a little confusing -
sort of like 'where do I stand??" and yet there's always some
task to do here and a sense of appreciation for the additions (contributions) we each
make towards the workings of this place. There's a sense of purpose and community here
that is wonderful!! I can't stress that enough!!
I feel very good when in my cell up the hill from my chapel.
I love living in community and yet having time to be alone with Blue
and doing all that I do here in my cell is really great too .. Sounds maybe selfish? But I'll reframe
to myself it to the better conclusion for my own well being.
I also thought about if this feels like a place where I am (this might be harshly and impulsively thought)
is wasting my time - but in truth it's a bucket list thing for me in my life - and I love it and deserve to live my dreams and so it's a place that I need to keep at - for the agreed amount
of time - I think I am learning and developing here already, and I have to give
it a chance and be patient with myself and all that happens here.
and now that i've been in my room since writing this - we had a family zoom
and we all had a good time it seemed and yes my new sense of things is starting to carry
me to a happier and contented place with those family connections -
I am now reframing what I want to do after spending so much time alone - happily yes I love the quiet times -
but I seem to have come to a dead end in my cell here and so reframing things for myself helps me look outward and towards the idea that I want to do other things now - again so reframing and going down to meal prep soon.
I want to go into DC in October when my benefit comes through so I'll be able to pay for parking
and lunch. I'll go into town soon to check out the market I'll be working at - and I need to get a Maryland ID.
I also want to say that at the end of meal time they had some announcements and I have to be honest - I had some ugly
reaction to it within me. I felt it and then adjusted - I didn't want to be that way or have it be what I act on.
I am still back in my room - and I admit after a while of sitting here peacefully with the classical radio station
playing and keeping in touch with people online.....playing with and caring for Blue - I can get lost in grace - and yet I also know as I have to remind
myself to come to my senses - that survival is key - and so I am bringing myself back down to earth - like some bracing
cold water on me - I have a sense now - how to keep myself - keep on keeping on.
Replies
It’s funny but I came down to the chapel common area and I am not getting all existential, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be, it’s a sense of purpose, social purpose and also knowing I am expected at the kitchen to help with certain tasks tonight. I feel as though I am in a good place, though I worry and question if I am doing the right thing, I know I am surrounded by icons and photographs of learned people who focused on this very thing.
In other words.. I’m in good company:)