today.
today I have been able to be more present of mind about what I am experiencing
rather than forcing my mind and body to blindly bury my head and myself as I worked.
I was reasonable with myself and likewise when I came home I found (eventually after getting
over some bad juju at the market) that i was having a hard time just dealing with peacefulness.
I have been watching documentaries on PBS this afternoon - and the peacefulness just had me wanting to sleep at like 1 or 2pm. I was peaceful but It felt like a deadening head against cement.
Maybe I am tired and deserve a nap? But it felt like the tiredness was also from boredom maybe.. I go to sleep so early I couldn't reconcile having a nap.
I can do that on Fridays when it's the start of the weekend - but I guess I have a hard time indulging that
on a school night because it will probably mess up my internal clock.
I do have this massive engine inside that I am trying to deal with - I watched a PBS documentary on Teddy Roosevelt and indeed saw how he had that engine as well ... I know we all do...but again I have to ask God to help me walk with it - and guide my thoughts and actions while I deal with this need.. It overwhelms me - I could never satisfy myself growing up - and right now I am learning to understand it a bit better. I can see it.
The bad juju at the market was with the produce manager who for some reason has a problem with me - I don't work for him - I am not in his department - but he is always angry and does things just to get in my way...I'm serious - He's been documented doing this stuff before - and my boss knows about him - and today I told her what he did again today - and she said 'he's a dick and a douchebag.' So anyways, it's just crazy and I can deal...But i guess what i wanted to say to you is that it's taken some time to process this guy's nonsense out of my system after I came home from work...and it occurred to me that people like me - who can so 'blown off course' by things in their life it's no wonder I've had a hard time making and keeping goals and a plan for myself. But maybe that's a little harsh. I think at this point I am learning a new way to appreciate how my mind works so that maybe I am putting new 'eyeglasses' on that will help me allow for time to get over things and make allowances for the disruptions that blow me off course. Maybe while being guided to deal with my need/appetite-engine I will get better at dealing with my days and not feel so lost.
Replies
Mark - Sorry about the run in at work. There are always douchebags out there to get in out way. Just go around him or make him madder by ignoring his actions as they are done just to get a rise out of someone. That is the perfect revenge for someone like that.
I'd opt for the name. An old saying in the military is "never pass up an opportunity to sleep"
Perhaps the most difficult part of my own anger management was/is keeping a check on the random targeting where my anger channels itself at whomever/whatever is handy. The innocent targets were/are far more convenient than the guilty. The guilty are just too damned good at evasion and/or fighting back. Among the too many fatal flaws of that subconscious psycho tick is that it provides more additional guilt, etc., than effective channeling. Then we get to the many whatevers I invariably broke when I random targeted at things instead of people. The dollar toll was staggering but still not as high as the toll for random targeting at live beings.
I tell you this by way of offering insight to how such inappropriate behavior really does reflect more on the cunt/dick than on the victim. Perhaps the insight can even inspire you to project healing hopes for all. No exceptions.
For what it's worth
Being a royal cunt wasn't as fun as folks kept implying on my meanest cunt days. I was literally dying inside on those days and the angels who threw me lifelines remain my greatest living heroes. I remain thoroughly grateful they were wise and compassionate enough to throw me a lifeline instead of eating the verbal vomit. I still feel guilty about the folks who were trusting and naive enough to eat the verbal vomit.