Today

At this point I don't know what to think or to do or say. All I'm left with is three words, I'm so tired. I'm tired of thinking that things are going to change. I am tired of thinking that my life is going to hit a postive turn. I am tired of thinking that I may one day be permantly happy with if not everything than everything. 

 Courts have been closed down, so that means more delays. More delays in closure, more days in thinking that I actually did what needed to be done against these monsters, and (what I've been told) more days in thinking that I'm going to go anywhere with my life. As far as I know, both my perpatrator and abuser are still out roaming the streets. They get to live their lives as though nothing has happened or that they did nothing wrong. 

How am I supposed to continue my life with that thought in my head?? I have been constantly meeting with a counselor and attempting to go to a support group, but of course that was changed to online only. Other than that, how? Can someone please help me understand that part?? Like geez!! I am so ready to give up, I am so tired! I don't know what there is to do or what to think about what all is going around me. And you know what the worst part of all of this is?? I am not feeling any need to second guess the feeling of wanting to give up.. 

 Before there always seemed to be a reason to hold on, to keep fighting. But now... not so much. I know that I have family and friends that love me and care about me and will always support me throughout everything. But just here recently it seems that I feel like I can't feel the meaning of that anymore. That , no matter how many times I remind myself of that, I still feel like the world and everyone on it is going to go about their days and not phase for a second over me!