To Post Or Not To Post
I have been mulling some things over in my mind... trying to decide if I wanted to share everything I felt about the retreat or not... I decided to post this because if there are moms who went who felt a bit overwhelmed... or moms who didn't go but might come to a future retreat... but like me they're anxious about meeting everyone... I want them to feel free to talk about their feelings and fears... So I finally decided as I said to post this in spite of my fears that I might offend someone...
Seemed like in the weeks prior to going I made all kinds of social blunders. I didn't want to offend anyone. I guess I was stepping into other people's space. I just hadn't realized there were concerns about who did what kind of. I thought and think it'd be nice if we could not have the petty, my province jealousies etc. To my mind we're not supposed to be about making money or social position or who gets credit for doing what, etc.
I know what I'm writing won't be received well, and perhaps I should scrap it. I really feel like I need to write what I really feel, so that's why I'm writing it here in my journal. It was so bad at one point I was ready to cancel my booking at the hotel and book somewhere else and just not attend. I had to go to Boston as we had already bought our tickets and we had plans to go on from Boston to London.
Friday Evening: My husband went to watch the Red Sox vs the Diamondbacks game at Fenway Park. I took a deep breath and headed down to meet the group. I did find it very hard to go down to the lobby that first evening. I don't live close to any of the moms so I didn't know anyone. I went down to the lobby but no one was there. I saw a group out on the terrace but wasn't sure if that was the ForMomsOnly people or not. I think there was a sign but I didn't see it. I was too insecure to go out and introduce myself. In case that was them I thought I'd sit inside and hopefully someone would come in and introduce themselves. I sat in a chair for a few minutes feeling anxious. I glanced out at the group and was pretty sure I recognized some of the moms, but I'm so insecure.
Please understand I am writing the truth as I see it. I am not asking for sympathy. I am fine with who I am and how I am. Yes sometimes I am uncomfortable and sad. I am strong enough to handle it. I am writing this mainly so any other mom who is struggling as I did and do won't feel like she is alone.
I finally went back up to my room. I gave myself a talking to. I had a perm just a few days before we left to go to Boston and so I said to myself, probably no one recognizes you. "Self" I told myself, because that's what I call myself... (Yes please do chuckle...) You need to go back down and go out and introduce yourself.
So I did. Whoosh... The first few minutes were uncomfortable... probably is for everyone. I had brought the scrapbook pages I had for Yvonne's daughter Laura and my daughter Cara. OOPS! That's not when I was supposed to bring them I was told. Ouch! There were some albums some of the moms had brought and I took refuge in looking at them. I was glad to have something to do to busy myself.
I truly am grateful for the albums because it's just so moving to see the collections the moms have put together to share their child(ren), just awesome really. I really wish so much I had gone a day early to give myself an extra day to help me not feel so estranged.
I talked to a couple of the moms but still felt quite strange. Its almost amusing. I think I was putting a decent front on of being okay, but I sooo was not.
Lynette saw me and came over and was so kind and welcoming. I noticed Lynette and her mom reach out to several of the moms; pull up a chair, come on there's room, we can move over. It was so kind of them.
After the meet and greet we gathered in a room. I don't remember too well what was said. It has been several weeks since then. It was basically a welcome to everyone and then an introduction of the FMO Administrators, the plans for the next day's activity plan with Joan Anderson and a bit more.
After the welcome and Intro those moms who had brought things for everyone handed them out. That was so nice of the moms! I do have to mention my turtle. Lynette had knitted/crocheted... I'm not sure... anyhoo... she made some turtles for each of us. I love my turtle! I wrote about my turtle visit recently, and then you know we all connect Barbara with turtles, so for me the turtle was a big wink. I wish we were on Skype... I'd show her to you. She's so cute. Yes she is a girl. I decided that's why... LOL
Then someone put various colors of fingernail polish on each table and handed out seashells. We painted our child's name on a seashell that were all placed around a tree in a memorial garden... I painted a shell for Leda's son Josh and Andelene's daughter Colleen also. I have a copy of the picture of the memorial if you have not seen it. It is lovely!
I had notes to our children for Cara, Josh and Colleen which Teri so kindly and cheerfully came and got to bring to the Cape. Teri was another blessing during the retreat. She works so hard. I can't name all the people who I see trying so hard to make the group work. It doesn't just happen. I sincerely wonder where I would be today if not for the moms here on DS and in FMO.
As mentioned, I was unable to go Saturday as during the night I had muscle spasms so badly I had to take pain meds and they pretty much knocks me out for about 12 hours. I'm glad to say although I had spasms a couple of times during the rest of our vacation they were never quite as bad as that night. Over exertion and anxiety tend to tie me up into knots.
Richard and I joined the group at Legal Seafood Saturday evening. It was quite pleasant visiting with Joanie. We didn't see much of any of the other mothers there as they were at various tables throughout the restaurant. We walked back to the hotel, Joanie surprised me when she joined us shortly after we left while we were walking back to the hotel. It was a pleasant surprise. We joined a group of the moms who were having a drink at the pub there. We visited with them for a bit then went on up to our rooms.
The next day we joined the group for the tour. I know you've probably read about our tour guide, Cracker Jack. He was fantastic! We continued to remark and gawk at the "tourists" all over London... LOL Unfortunately Richard's sugar was going low and he had to eat so we had to part from the group after we made the ride around Boston.
No problem. We were back by Legal Seafood... and the food is quite good... so yummy, we did lunch... the got on the harbor tour boat and went across to see the USS Constitution. Then we re boarded the harbor tour boat and went back across and made our way back to the hotel. We ran into Kelly and Nora and some of the other moms in the lobby. Then it was time to collect our luggage and get on out to the airport as we had a flight leaving out of Boston at 9:30pm for Iceland then on to London.
I am glad I went. I hope to go to Tahoe next year. I do feel I could grow close to several of the moms. I want to get to know the moms as more than just words on my computer screen. I'm so awkward when I first meet people. Its rough for me and them. The thing is it gets easier as you get to know people, so I am planning on going again.
To be blunt that's the main message I want to share with everyone. No it wasn't perfect for me, but I do not regret going. I did get some positive things from the retreat. I think its worth doing again till I'm more comfortable. I hope my honesty will help others as I said at the beginning of my journal entry for today.
With much love and sincere apologies to any I have offended. Elissa
Seemed like in the weeks prior to going I made all kinds of social blunders. I didn't want to offend anyone. I guess I was stepping into other people's space. I just hadn't realized there were concerns about who did what kind of. I thought and think it'd be nice if we could not have the petty, my province jealousies etc. To my mind we're not supposed to be about making money or social position or who gets credit for doing what, etc.
I know what I'm writing won't be received well, and perhaps I should scrap it. I really feel like I need to write what I really feel, so that's why I'm writing it here in my journal. It was so bad at one point I was ready to cancel my booking at the hotel and book somewhere else and just not attend. I had to go to Boston as we had already bought our tickets and we had plans to go on from Boston to London.
Friday Evening: My husband went to watch the Red Sox vs the Diamondbacks game at Fenway Park. I took a deep breath and headed down to meet the group. I did find it very hard to go down to the lobby that first evening. I don't live close to any of the moms so I didn't know anyone. I went down to the lobby but no one was there. I saw a group out on the terrace but wasn't sure if that was the ForMomsOnly people or not. I think there was a sign but I didn't see it. I was too insecure to go out and introduce myself. In case that was them I thought I'd sit inside and hopefully someone would come in and introduce themselves. I sat in a chair for a few minutes feeling anxious. I glanced out at the group and was pretty sure I recognized some of the moms, but I'm so insecure.
Please understand I am writing the truth as I see it. I am not asking for sympathy. I am fine with who I am and how I am. Yes sometimes I am uncomfortable and sad. I am strong enough to handle it. I am writing this mainly so any other mom who is struggling as I did and do won't feel like she is alone.
I finally went back up to my room. I gave myself a talking to. I had a perm just a few days before we left to go to Boston and so I said to myself, probably no one recognizes you. "Self" I told myself, because that's what I call myself... (Yes please do chuckle...) You need to go back down and go out and introduce yourself.
So I did. Whoosh... The first few minutes were uncomfortable... probably is for everyone. I had brought the scrapbook pages I had for Yvonne's daughter Laura and my daughter Cara. OOPS! That's not when I was supposed to bring them I was told. Ouch! There were some albums some of the moms had brought and I took refuge in looking at them. I was glad to have something to do to busy myself.
I truly am grateful for the albums because it's just so moving to see the collections the moms have put together to share their child(ren), just awesome really. I really wish so much I had gone a day early to give myself an extra day to help me not feel so estranged.
I talked to a couple of the moms but still felt quite strange. Its almost amusing. I think I was putting a decent front on of being okay, but I sooo was not.
Lynette saw me and came over and was so kind and welcoming. I noticed Lynette and her mom reach out to several of the moms; pull up a chair, come on there's room, we can move over. It was so kind of them.
After the meet and greet we gathered in a room. I don't remember too well what was said. It has been several weeks since then. It was basically a welcome to everyone and then an introduction of the FMO Administrators, the plans for the next day's activity plan with Joan Anderson and a bit more.
After the welcome and Intro those moms who had brought things for everyone handed them out. That was so nice of the moms! I do have to mention my turtle. Lynette had knitted/crocheted... I'm not sure... anyhoo... she made some turtles for each of us. I love my turtle! I wrote about my turtle visit recently, and then you know we all connect Barbara with turtles, so for me the turtle was a big wink. I wish we were on Skype... I'd show her to you. She's so cute. Yes she is a girl. I decided that's why... LOL
Then someone put various colors of fingernail polish on each table and handed out seashells. We painted our child's name on a seashell that were all placed around a tree in a memorial garden... I painted a shell for Leda's son Josh and Andelene's daughter Colleen also. I have a copy of the picture of the memorial if you have not seen it. It is lovely!
I had notes to our children for Cara, Josh and Colleen which Teri so kindly and cheerfully came and got to bring to the Cape. Teri was another blessing during the retreat. She works so hard. I can't name all the people who I see trying so hard to make the group work. It doesn't just happen. I sincerely wonder where I would be today if not for the moms here on DS and in FMO.
As mentioned, I was unable to go Saturday as during the night I had muscle spasms so badly I had to take pain meds and they pretty much knocks me out for about 12 hours. I'm glad to say although I had spasms a couple of times during the rest of our vacation they were never quite as bad as that night. Over exertion and anxiety tend to tie me up into knots.
Richard and I joined the group at Legal Seafood Saturday evening. It was quite pleasant visiting with Joanie. We didn't see much of any of the other mothers there as they were at various tables throughout the restaurant. We walked back to the hotel, Joanie surprised me when she joined us shortly after we left while we were walking back to the hotel. It was a pleasant surprise. We joined a group of the moms who were having a drink at the pub there. We visited with them for a bit then went on up to our rooms.
The next day we joined the group for the tour. I know you've probably read about our tour guide, Cracker Jack. He was fantastic! We continued to remark and gawk at the "tourists" all over London... LOL Unfortunately Richard's sugar was going low and he had to eat so we had to part from the group after we made the ride around Boston.
No problem. We were back by Legal Seafood... and the food is quite good... so yummy, we did lunch... the got on the harbor tour boat and went across to see the USS Constitution. Then we re boarded the harbor tour boat and went back across and made our way back to the hotel. We ran into Kelly and Nora and some of the other moms in the lobby. Then it was time to collect our luggage and get on out to the airport as we had a flight leaving out of Boston at 9:30pm for Iceland then on to London.
I am glad I went. I hope to go to Tahoe next year. I do feel I could grow close to several of the moms. I want to get to know the moms as more than just words on my computer screen. I'm so awkward when I first meet people. Its rough for me and them. The thing is it gets easier as you get to know people, so I am planning on going again.
To be blunt that's the main message I want to share with everyone. No it wasn't perfect for me, but I do not regret going. I did get some positive things from the retreat. I think its worth doing again till I'm more comfortable. I hope my honesty will help others as I said at the beginning of my journal entry for today.
With much love and sincere apologies to any I have offended. Elissa
Replies
Yes, it is helpful to read this, and I thank you for your honesty. Women together have an estrogen high I think, and jostling for recognition is par for the course. Love, and will see you in Tahoe, I hope. Abby
I was so looking forward to meeting you and finally getting to HUG you and feel CARA\'S love right along with yours. I completely understanding the ability to become overwhelmed because it is scary that first time, and with each year it becomes easier. Sweetie, I did not make the crochet turtles, \"Nora\" did. I love mine too. Especially how it tucks it\'s little head and feet in, just like my avatar. I\'m so proud of you for having your self talk and making it downstairs, next year it can only get better. Hugs and love to you and CARA!
I understand. That was me last year; and frankly I was overwhelmed with the number of moms who came this year. I never did get to talk to everyone - I am very shy too but have had to take a deep breath and just do it.
I am glad you brought up the fact that you were unsure about things. I wonder if there could be better signage. Walking in to the hotel is scary the first time. It would be nice to see a schedule and list places and perhaps have cell numbers so that moms can be met when the arrive. That first afternoon and evening are nervewracking if you are shy. I too remember thinking that going to the retreat was a stupid idea. I too am glad I went. It is the one time of the year that we can talk about our kids and our feelings without fear.
I am so glad you posted this journal. Love and hugs, Marlene
From what you\'ve written, and in no way intending to criticize the organizers, this sort of group event requires a great deal of TLC. For one thing: each parent that signs up should be sent a plastic ID card on a colorful ribbon they can wear around their neck, i.e. \'JILL FMO RETREAT\'. I\'m going to Europe for the third time this year with 206 Tours and i have met people at JFK airport who are going to be my companions! We are then all met at our final destination by a guide. This means: a final destination meeting should be designed so that all who have checked in (which requires record keeping) know they are supposed to be at A location at B hours/minutes, and then greeted formally, introduced to one another, and given a CLEAR agenda of meals, meeting places, events. It takes quite a lot to put together this sort of thing and perhaps they are still learning their way around, so no blame intended. But no mother should have to wander around wondering, or feel in any way uncomfortable because of what she did or did not bring (especially if no instructions were given). This is why I don\'t attend conferences, retreats and meetings that revolve around the loss of my child. I discovered that the first thing I wanted to find once I left was a steep cliff. :o/
Elissa, I am so sorry you had a rough time in the beginning. I just know how caring you were to me on the bus tour. You made sure I got a chair when I needed it and were so attentive to me. Just want you to know I really appreciated it and I consider you a dear friend. I am uncomfortable with people I haven\'t met in the beginning but all of the women were so welcoming...I don\'t think I\'ll be able to make next years because I get vertigo when I fly...Love and Hugs, Connie
Elissa I\'m so sorry I didn\'t get to meet you. I cancelled out of going to the retreat at the last minute. Meeting new people and not knowing what to expect is always hard but as you said it gets more comfortable as you get to know everyone. I think all of us feel a little hurt when we are told now is not the time for something. Sort of like hushing a child. How can it not hurt.
Hugs to you Elissa and love to Cara
Terry
I think you did a brave thing, by posting this journal.I am sure it will help the moms who did not go, to understand how we all would be nervous and it is alright!!
I have not gone to a retreat yet. It has only been two years for me and it is still new and raw in my heart.
I do think all of the people who work on organizing the retreats are awesome and work so hard. Thanks, for being so honest and sharing your feelings....
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Th first retreat I went to was sooo hard, as I\'m basically a shy person until I get to know people well...it was nice meeting you and your husband at dinner...I love that you have each been married before...I think I told you that I\'m my husbands 3rd wife too...lol
I met new people this year and believe it or not, you really get to \'know\' people through their journals
Hugs marylou...Jenns mom
I haven\'t been to a retreat. Like you, I am pretty shy in groups - lord, I can\'t even write a real journal!! More power to you for taking that leap and attending even though you knew it might be difficult at first - and being honest enough to write about it. Take care ~ Joanna x
Thank you for being so honest about your feelings. It means a LOT to me! I am much like you in that way. Our church has arranged a big \"church lunch\" for tomorrow. I will not be going, although I\'ve been invited. I fear being around lots of people. I know a few people, but it is just too overwhelming for me. I always thought that I was the only weird person on this earth, but now I know that I am not alone. Thank you!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! for posting this very open and honest journal of your experience! Yes, it was brave of you to go to Boston. Yes, it was brave of you to \"make\" yourself meet everyone when you were having such a hard time doing so. And braver still I think to write your feelings and thoughts here! So, KUDOS to you my friend!!
I\'m sure I\'ve shared many times, but my first FMO retreat.....THE first FMO retreat.....was a very difficult time for me. When I got home my husband asked how it went and I said, \"I won\'t be doing that again\"! But of course by the next year I was ready to do it again....and I\'ve never missed a retreat and hope I never do! But boy oh boy, that first one was a doosie for my heart.
I can tell you from the point of view as one who has been an organizer of retreats and a helper to others who have been the organizer, it takes a small team of highly motivated, dedicated, and energized women to put these retreats together. Everyone has their \"job\" and the chairperson puts it all in order and makes it all happen.....hopefully without too many hitches. Of course each year there ARE a few hitches. And hopefully, thanks to moms willing to be honest about the less than perfect experience they had, we learn from them and make changes for the next year. At least we try~~
When my husband and I first married I made some meal, can\'t remember what now, fairly often. He would always say \"thanks, that was good\". So, I kept making it. Then one day, when he sat down to the same dinner with a look of forlorn on his face, I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn\'t really like it. I asked why hadn\'t he told me before and he said because he didn\'t want to hurt my feelings. OK, I appreciate that, but let\'s get real, if I don\'t know something is \"wrong\", how can I \"fix\" it???? So now he tells me what he likes and what he doesn\'t and all\'s well.
The Friday night gathering on the patio of the hotel was a total surprise for us. A last minute gift from the hotel to our group. When Sharon (momjmc) and I arrived at the hotel and met the hotel rep whom we\'d been working with, she told us that there would be a large sign in the lobby directing the moms to the patio. I actually never saw the sign, but assumed it was there somewhere. Since I knew where to go and I knew most of the moms, and since I\'m an \"out there\" kind of person anyway, it was easy for me to walk onto that patio and start talking to everyone.
BUT, being a shy, reserved, first timer, who wasn\'t sure what the heck was going on or where the heck she was supposed to be, I can certainly understand the fears and nervousness and the need to go regroup and try again. I am SOOOOO sorry that\'s how it went for you!
Our job as retreat organizers is to make sure the attendee\'s know what\'s going on....when, where, how, why! We didn\'t always do that, and for our lack of communication I truly apologize.
I really like the suggestion Jill makes about having FMO badges. Of course we did have name tags, which we wore in the conference room....which was originally to be our first meeting of everyone. But once that plan was changed, we should have thought to bring the name tags to the patio gathering....or maybe Sharon did.....I can\'t really remember. At any rate, you were left feeling \"out of the loop\" and that is surely not what any of us wanted or intended.
What I appreciate so much is you saying that although it was not perfect for you, you\'re glad you went....AND that you are considering joining us again in Tahoe. We\'re not professional event planners....we\'re just moms who are doing our best. Like I said, we get some things right and other things not so much.....but our hearts and souls are in everything we do! Thanks for recognizing that and for loving us in spite of our blunders!
YOU ROCK!
Oh, and BTW, any other suggestions you have on ways to help our next retreat run smoothly are greatly appreciated! So feel free to give us your input at any time throughout the year. I promise we discuss each suggestion offered and do our best to make the right final decision.
Take care of you my friend!
Elissa I am so glad that you wrote about your experiences at the retreat. My first retreat was the second for FMO. My husband and I don\'t travel much (except to beach haha) flew across country to San Diego. I was so uncomfortable and couldn\'t believe the emotions if traveling so far to meet other grieving moms. I t was hard, but the second retreat was easier. I think it will be for you too! Retreats are never perfect, I have helped organize one so I know, but I think we learn something new each time and hopefully improve :-). It was a pleasure to meet you and the other moms new to the retreat. Love and hugs...Karen.
Your journal is one of the things that I love so much about this group. We all \"know\" each other at our rawest and accept and love each other...so we can feel safe to \"share\" our feelings and concerns. My first retreat was Gatlinburg and I was a mess. Not a crying, sharing everything mess, but I had a raging battle going on in my head that I kept locked up there. When I get to know someone and connect with them, I am very talkative and get along fine. If I don\'t know anyone and am new to a situation, I am very withdrawn, sort of stay in the shadows, put up my protective shield and observe. I had some wonderful times at my first retreat, but I also had many times where I went to my room to regroup and talk myself out of getting in my car and driving home to Indiana just as quickly as I could. I absolutely love the Mom\'s who are able to go up to people and talk and interact and be so thoughtful and caring. I so wish I had that ability. I try, but it just doesn\'t come easily to me as I have always been such a loner in life. This year was my 3rd retreat. They are never perfect, what in life is, but I absolutely loved this year. Even with some of the curve balls that were thrown at us, I walked away with so much more than I arrived with and with a deeper love and appreciation of each of the Mom\'s. I am so hoping that all will work out for me to go again next year. The scenery and activity is nice at the retreats, but what I really value is the new connections with Mom\'s I haven\'t met and deeper connections with the ones I have met before. Thank you again for sharing your journal with us. Love and hugs and kudos for your bravery in sharing...Lynn
Being a 1st timer myself this year I had some awkward moments, but I got through them & am glad I went. I hope I have the opportunity to attend in Tahoe next year. It appears that most of the moms 1st retreat is a bit difficult.
Teri said something in her comment to this journal that I think is important. She said as retreat organizers they are not professional even planners, just moms trying to do their best to plan a retreat. I think they did an awesome job in the planning. What a beautiful hotel....that was kind enough to surprise us with gifts. Reservations for dinner Sat evening was not an easy task because of our large number. The day of retreat with Joan Anderson. And the city tour/harbor cruise was really fun. The planning that went into the retreat was much appreciated!
For Fri evening I kind of felt like Elissa. I went to the lobby & saw a small group of moms sitting there, then we were directed to the patio. I can be pretty shy myself & I did feel a bit misplaced. There were several who seemed to know each other, perhaps from previous retreats & I could see their excitement & joy. A couple moms came up to me & introduced themselves & that made me feel better. I spotted Debi, Devan\'s mom & decided to come out of my comfort zone & go meet her. She\'s the sweetest! Got to meet her mom & aunt too, yep.... sweetest runs in their family. :)
Teri mentioned that the goal of the organizers is to make sure those attending know what was going on.....when, where, how & why. Great idea!
Just a thought.....perhaps a mom who has attended several retreats could be matched up with a new mom for that 1st meeting. Mingling the new with the experienced. :)
This really is a special place we can come & feel comfortable saying what is on our heart. We are blessed.
Grateful that you shared your feelings because that is how we improve and grow.
Just wanted you to know that it was Sharon that dined with you as I was at the other table with Teri, Ann M etc., and I know that Sharon spoke of the delightful time she had with Richard and with you. Remembering names is next to impossible so please no worries there, yet wanted Sharon to receive the nice compliments because they are meant for her. :)
I remember my first retreat too in Asheville and what I noticed was the warm and heartfelt welcoming that was happening and most especially between the mothers who knew one another. I hoped in my heart that I too would feel that way one day and I certainly did at the next retreat in Park City. It didn\'t take long for me to feel like one of the \"fold.\"
Onward we go and always with the hopes of making everyone feel as comfortable as possible because the healing and well-being is what it\'s all about.
Hugs, Joanie