To open yourself up to someone who's insensitive can leave you very hurt
"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it." --Hardy D. Jackson
Why did I keep going?Because she was attractive, and I hoped something would happen.But the more it went on, the worse I felt.
We were at a gathering in a bar. I don't even like bars, but it was a friend's (small) party. Just a few people at my table. All girls. One was just a friend, another I wasn't attracted to really, and the last one...
I've known her for a while now. I met her at a party and kept seeing her around in my social community. I thought she was cute but found her dull in conversations. But, being the dumb heterosexual guy I am, I kept trying to talk to her. Because she was attractive. And I badly need...Well, it's hard to talk about. But you get what I'm trying to say. (Even if that's an incredibly complicated topic for me.)
I invited her to get together. She agreed. We saw each other a few times— went to a restaurant or café or social event. She told me at some point, not too long ago, that she and at least one of her friends "liked" me as a person. I took that to mean they admired me, or enjoyed my company. It was nice to hear. But it also stung, because it meant... I thought... that I may have been liked but not desired. A very important distinction to make when you're at where I'm at now.
Last night, we found ourselves in a restaurant with a bunch of other young adults in our social community. This girl, the one I'm physically attracted to but with whom I do not feel an emotional connection, made a dirty joke. It snowballed to someone else, and... well... I wanted to impress this girl— which is to say, attract her— so I joined in. Made one dirty reference about someone else, and then another pertaining to someone else. I would later learn that this girl was surprised by my talking like that. In the sense of intrigued... maybe more attracted.
I invited her and her friend to join me at this small gathering tonight at the bar. To my surprise, they accepted. Tonight, we— I— continued the dirty jokes. After they left, the back-and-forth took a turn for the more crude over text messages.
After a few, I stopped. Stopped the texting. I couldn't anymore. I had strayed too far from myself.
Of course, I had already gone too far just by continuing to try to talk to the girl. Worse, by inviting her to get together. And I did those things for one reason: hormones. I'm very uncomfortable talking to her now. But I still find myself thinking of how I can attract her further. Of whether something physical might happen between us.
I already told her, when we were talking about relationship stuff, that I wanted to be more desireable to girls— not just "nice." She said the way I was talking last night was the way to do that.
But that's not me.
------
Those who know me know that I waited many years to get married before having sex, and that that felt deeply, absolutely, positively right to me. And then I found myself in my late 20's nowhere close to marriage, and as such, nowhere close to having sex.
But so badly needing it.
Since then... it happened one time. It was awful, in the sense of not memorable. I didn't even feel comfortable with the woman.
My dream died. It was going to happen... it was all going to nose dive. There was nothing I could do to prevent it. Indeed, what prevented it from happening sooner was my not finding someone sooner.
For all those years, it felt absolutely right to wait. The thing is... in looking back, I don't know if I could have had it. That remains an unknown variable in my life that PLAGUES me with wonder now! Strangely... it brings up a great amount of guilt, too. I thought at the time that I couldn't get it, anyway. But... as I look back, I see that my attitude contributed to that— if it was, indeed, the case. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I could have had it.
------
The other awful part of our exhange tonight: She told me that, when she was a little younger, and living in another city, she met guys in bars and brought them home.
It hurt so, so badly to hear that. Like a knife to my chest.
My dream had died, after so many years of my waiting. And now, what I want so desperately to find... and can not find— not on my terms— she had found, and relatively easily, at that.
It's not fair.
She says she doesn't want that anymore. Like so many women who get older, I feel like. They say, "Oh, I had that back then,"... indicating it was easy— and that's the first thing that hurts.
Then they say, "Well, I don't want that anymore." "I'm getting too old for that... I want someone to settle down with."
I wanted to find my life partner when I was younger. It didn't happen. And so, I never had sex. I barely even had kissing until I was into my 20's. And not more than that until years later.
Now... I want SO BADLY what these women had easily when they were younger.
It makes me want to cry.
Why is it easier for women?
Why can't I find someone for what I'm looking for— on my terms?
How did I get to be so desperate? If I'm as attractive as I've been told... and women have been interested in me... why is it so difficult to attract someone now to do more?
To open yourself up to someone who's insensitive can leave you very hurt. But if you're desperate, you keep doing so, hoping things will change.
The question is which force is stronger: That of honoring yourself— honoring your feelings— or that of the potential of sexual interaction?
These days, I live torn between two different directions.
Why did I keep going?Because she was attractive, and I hoped something would happen.But the more it went on, the worse I felt.
We were at a gathering in a bar. I don't even like bars, but it was a friend's (small) party. Just a few people at my table. All girls. One was just a friend, another I wasn't attracted to really, and the last one...
I've known her for a while now. I met her at a party and kept seeing her around in my social community. I thought she was cute but found her dull in conversations. But, being the dumb heterosexual guy I am, I kept trying to talk to her. Because she was attractive. And I badly need...Well, it's hard to talk about. But you get what I'm trying to say. (Even if that's an incredibly complicated topic for me.)
I invited her to get together. She agreed. We saw each other a few times— went to a restaurant or café or social event. She told me at some point, not too long ago, that she and at least one of her friends "liked" me as a person. I took that to mean they admired me, or enjoyed my company. It was nice to hear. But it also stung, because it meant... I thought... that I may have been liked but not desired. A very important distinction to make when you're at where I'm at now.
Last night, we found ourselves in a restaurant with a bunch of other young adults in our social community. This girl, the one I'm physically attracted to but with whom I do not feel an emotional connection, made a dirty joke. It snowballed to someone else, and... well... I wanted to impress this girl— which is to say, attract her— so I joined in. Made one dirty reference about someone else, and then another pertaining to someone else. I would later learn that this girl was surprised by my talking like that. In the sense of intrigued... maybe more attracted.
I invited her and her friend to join me at this small gathering tonight at the bar. To my surprise, they accepted. Tonight, we— I— continued the dirty jokes. After they left, the back-and-forth took a turn for the more crude over text messages.
After a few, I stopped. Stopped the texting. I couldn't anymore. I had strayed too far from myself.
Of course, I had already gone too far just by continuing to try to talk to the girl. Worse, by inviting her to get together. And I did those things for one reason: hormones. I'm very uncomfortable talking to her now. But I still find myself thinking of how I can attract her further. Of whether something physical might happen between us.
I already told her, when we were talking about relationship stuff, that I wanted to be more desireable to girls— not just "nice." She said the way I was talking last night was the way to do that.
But that's not me.
------
Those who know me know that I waited many years to get married before having sex, and that that felt deeply, absolutely, positively right to me. And then I found myself in my late 20's nowhere close to marriage, and as such, nowhere close to having sex.
But so badly needing it.
Since then... it happened one time. It was awful, in the sense of not memorable. I didn't even feel comfortable with the woman.
My dream died. It was going to happen... it was all going to nose dive. There was nothing I could do to prevent it. Indeed, what prevented it from happening sooner was my not finding someone sooner.
For all those years, it felt absolutely right to wait. The thing is... in looking back, I don't know if I could have had it. That remains an unknown variable in my life that PLAGUES me with wonder now! Strangely... it brings up a great amount of guilt, too. I thought at the time that I couldn't get it, anyway. But... as I look back, I see that my attitude contributed to that— if it was, indeed, the case. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I could have had it.
------
The other awful part of our exhange tonight: She told me that, when she was a little younger, and living in another city, she met guys in bars and brought them home.
It hurt so, so badly to hear that. Like a knife to my chest.
My dream had died, after so many years of my waiting. And now, what I want so desperately to find... and can not find— not on my terms— she had found, and relatively easily, at that.
It's not fair.
She says she doesn't want that anymore. Like so many women who get older, I feel like. They say, "Oh, I had that back then,"... indicating it was easy— and that's the first thing that hurts.
Then they say, "Well, I don't want that anymore." "I'm getting too old for that... I want someone to settle down with."
I wanted to find my life partner when I was younger. It didn't happen. And so, I never had sex. I barely even had kissing until I was into my 20's. And not more than that until years later.
Now... I want SO BADLY what these women had easily when they were younger.
It makes me want to cry.
Why is it easier for women?
Why can't I find someone for what I'm looking for— on my terms?
How did I get to be so desperate? If I'm as attractive as I've been told... and women have been interested in me... why is it so difficult to attract someone now to do more?
To open yourself up to someone who's insensitive can leave you very hurt. But if you're desperate, you keep doing so, hoping things will change.
The question is which force is stronger: That of honoring yourself— honoring your feelings— or that of the potential of sexual interaction?
These days, I live torn between two different directions.
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