to expel the innards

I'm trying to make sense of what the drive in me this evening is all about.

My thoughts seem buried in a way and I have intensity that I don't really understand.

The intensity comes and goes all day and most of the time.

I hope to expel, whatever it is I need,here now...so hopefully I can learn something along the way...

and calm down and get to sleep.

Flying my freak flag! (thank you arfus)

But seriously, my mind changes so much it's nearly like I have another being, a kind of beast

within, (like I had mentioned in another post I am reminded of what I said that I have "2 jobs" - managing

this struggle as a job of 'my other within' and 2, my professional job to make ends meet.)

That kind of beast I mention has a drive separate from my cognitive experience that I have to calm

down at times and very much usually it's front and center when I try to go to bed.

Thinking again about what I had mentioned in the other post reminded me to find greater compassion

for the job on taking care of our struggle we have to cope with. 

So when trying to fall asleep tonight at first I did my usual things

this evening - ate a snack et al...to try and calm down.

Tomorrow I go back to work and maybe I am just excited! and I have also gotten

used to staying up as late as I have wanted to in these two weeks of vacation that ends

tonight.

This evening..well this whole day has been about managing. I've been neurotic about it

trying to find... and then finding some solutions and I just feel such intensity that I am wondering

if a medication change or addition might help to calm the beast within.

I'd rather do it without meds though. No want new habits...

My mind changes and evolves so much - like I become different people - in 

the process of consolation and calming myself.

I just don't know how much longer I can go through this...and live without

feeling hopeless about the idea I am imprisoned within my coconut head. I have to remember 

all my experiences today and try not to let the negative undertone rule the roost

and define me and my life right now. Maybe I am just lucky - there's a lot to be grateful

for - the loss of a sense of options about my life and ability might be contrasted with

the simplicity of things and low pressure I have right now (though I do feel the judgement at times.)

I know I can do this..

I yearn and yet don't know what I yearn for.

Maybe it's for an easier life - for an easy solution.

I'll hit the sack again.

Have a good night!