Tired (sorry i've been MIA)
Hey, I haven't been here in a while! And I kinda miss talking to everyone here.
For the past two months, my friends have been complaining a lot that I've stopped going out with the frequency I used to, and that they miss me and blablabla. And my mom has been on my case saying that I don't go out anymore (I have two other sisters that are very social and go out all week, so my mom expects me to do the same)
So lately (for the past three weeks or so) I've been going out A LOT, because I decided I don't want to lose the people I love in my life. I've been going to a lot of social events, family dinners and get-togethers with my friends. I know it might sound fun, but it has been SO EXHAUSTING. As I've said before, I don't show symptoms of anxiety or depression when I'm in public. I've learned how to control and hide it very well. But when I get home I feel drained, sad and I cry a lot. I've also been getting panic attacks during my sleep or when I'm trying to fall asleep. My heart just goes crazy and I feel like I'm suffocating. It's scary and I hate it.
I've been cutting a lot. And suicide is always in the back of my head.
So yeah, things have been pretty rough lately.
Living a double life is not easy, but it's what people expect from me and I grew up learning to always live up to the expectations, doesn't matter how high they are.
For the past two months, my friends have been complaining a lot that I've stopped going out with the frequency I used to, and that they miss me and blablabla. And my mom has been on my case saying that I don't go out anymore (I have two other sisters that are very social and go out all week, so my mom expects me to do the same)
So lately (for the past three weeks or so) I've been going out A LOT, because I decided I don't want to lose the people I love in my life. I've been going to a lot of social events, family dinners and get-togethers with my friends. I know it might sound fun, but it has been SO EXHAUSTING. As I've said before, I don't show symptoms of anxiety or depression when I'm in public. I've learned how to control and hide it very well. But when I get home I feel drained, sad and I cry a lot. I've also been getting panic attacks during my sleep or when I'm trying to fall asleep. My heart just goes crazy and I feel like I'm suffocating. It's scary and I hate it.
I've been cutting a lot. And suicide is always in the back of my head.
So yeah, things have been pretty rough lately.
Living a double life is not easy, but it's what people expect from me and I grew up learning to always live up to the expectations, doesn't matter how high they are.
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