Tired of the struggle

I try so hard to be positive.  Everyone thinks I am.  And yet there are days in which I am so angry and sad.  I miss my former life.  I miss the freedom to move and feel confident that I can do anything (within reason).  I miss going for a run, swim, or bike ride with my husband.  I am a prisoner of this disease.  I constantly am searching for ways to break out of the prison.  Ways to redefine myself and find joy.  Just when I figure it out, I get hit with a new level of crap.  And what I have struggled to hold on to is gone.  I miss the joy that used to be me.  It is slipping away and being filled up with bitterness.  I am resentful of the world and there mindlessness.  Don't people realize what they have.  It makes me crazy that people have a choice to move there body for better health and don't.  What I wouldn't give to run again.  Heck walk without a cane or a walker.
I just had Plasmapheresis.  I was in the hospital for a 5 days.  Felt good in the hospital and then got out and felt like poop.  Found out last night I had a low grade temperature.  That could have been why.  Watched it all last night and the fever broke at 4 am.  If not I was going to go to the doctor.  I am hoping to see some improvement.  I t has been a hell of a 6 weeks.  Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I had 2 bladder infections, a migraine headache, cold, and a rash.  Then a hospital stay and a fever this week.  Ugh is all I have to say.  I am so tired.  I am so angry.  Why me?  
But I don't have a choice.  Just the choice to change my attitude.  And some days that feels impossible.  I feel guilty that I have to depend on my husband and that he does everything.  I have to ask all the time.  I hate that.  I would rather do.
Well, at least today I don't have a fever and I am moving better.  Hope.  I hold out for hope.